Rene's Revolution

You've had the bad, and now.... the GOOD stuff.

2012-02-17T15:02:00.000-08:00

So, yesterday I posted about some of my fears of being in this business and how it affects me negatively. I am hoping that most people who read it understood that I just wanted to ~~vent~~ explain why sometimes I am a worried, anxious mess and didn't think I sounded ungrateful or too ~~bitchy~~ whiny. But really, when it comes right down to it, it doesn't matter what people thought because this is my blog and I am gonna talk about things that I want to talk about and how I feel about things. Really, I just touched on what it's like being the wife of an actor/producer, I could do a whole other post about what it's like just being an actress over the age of 22 and not "Hollywood Skinny" and dealing with THOSE prejudices, frustrations and fears. But I'll wait and do that one later.

That all being said, I wanted to now take a moment and acknowledge the good things about being in this business. Obviously there is a reason I am in it myself and then also compounded it by marrying into it as well. :)

The other day it started to rain and my first thought was "Oh no. Frankie is going to have another day of not being able to potty when he needs to." My second thought was "We need to go to Disneyland!" because going to Disneyland on a rainy day is just simply magical. Luckily, we were able to do just that.

See? Magical! Rainbows and everything! :)

You see, what I like best about this business is the ability to somewhat work from home. Now, when Curtis or I am cast in something we obviously have to go to wherever they are shooting or rehearsing and performing. But other than that we are mostly home when not at our day/survival jobs. So, while Curtis works pretty hard and puts in some long hours as a producer, right now we are lucky enough that he gets to do that from home. And while I don't exactly love my day job as a restaurant manager, it means that my shifts are mostly nights right now and with only a few shifts a week, I'm home quite a bit too, which is something that I love. So, when I woke up to rain on Wednesday, I waited until Curtis finished all his work for the day on his website, deal emails, phone calls and all that, and then we headed over to Disneyland for a bit before he had to go teach his acting class. There was only a 10 minute wait for Space Mountain so we jumped in line for that first.

As we were on the roller coaster enjoying one of my very favorite rides I had a very happy and content thought of "You know, I would still like a honeymoon kind of vacation somewhere romantic and relaxing someday, but even though we never really got a honeymoon, our life is kind of like a honeymoon in some ways and for that, I am truly grateful. We get to spend a lot of time together, we get to hang out at Disneyland on off season, mid week rainy days, we live in an adorable house that looks like something from a fairy tale (well, at least from the outside) and we get to "work" in places like the beach, Beverly Hills and to top it off we get to work with our friends! Also, we have great parents who spoil us with good food and helpful gifts and we often get to "work" together doing things we love. We have met amazing people in this business too! Some we are lucky to now call friends. We have been invited to some amazing parties and have been given some amazing opportunities just because we are in this business and also a little bit because Curtis and I are an awesome, and apparently, likable team." :-) See? Such a wonderful thought! I was very happy the rest of the day from that.

The other thing I like about being in this business is the ability to try and make a difference while doing something that I love. I really enjoy talking to people so doing the interviews for the documentary was interesting and fun. Also, I just really, really like performing. I think that I might like doing stage more because I feel so at home on stage. Being in front of a camera can be fun, but I haven't done it enough to feel completely at ease or myself there yet. But that is something I am working on thanks to Curtis.

I love dancing, singing and acting and writing. Those are all things that I have done pretty naturally, since I was a kid, even before I started taking lessons for them. So, getting to try and make my living doing those things is pretty cool. And I am at my happiest when doing one (or several at a time) of those things. I love lots of creative things actually. I also love taking photos and playing with different camera settings and lighting as evidenced by the 8 million photo albums, negatives and piles of photos I have. I recently realized that I also love crocheting. I love making photo albums for people. (though I haven't done that in a very long time) I feel my most fulfilled when I am able to fill my days with creativity and self expression and in our life, I am able to do that more than I could if I worked 9-5 in some non entertainment business office.

So, that's why even though this business drives me to the brink of insanity at times, I stay. It isn't always pretty, and it's damn near terrifying during the times when you can't pay your rent on time or go three years without health insurance or are faced with a surprise giant vet or car repair bill. It's pretty crappy when I need gas for the car and can only put in $10, or when I know I need voice lessons to sing as well as I can (thereby making myself even more marketable) and we can't afford them, or when I miss dance class so much but we just don't have the money, or when I can't do shows that I really want to do because of my new day job work schedule. Those times, well yeah, they suck. But the good things are so good and so fulfilling when you get to do the things you love to do. The camaraderie of being in a show with a great cast that you love, the thrill when you are collaborating with like minded and super talented individuals. That stuff is all great! Seeing yourself on film and for one split second thinking "Hey, I was pretty good!" just the feeling of a performance well done that you put your whole heart into is indescribable and I just love it so much. Sometimes, when I watch other people performing I am enjoying the show and yet so jealous that they are performing and I am in the audience that I get a little teary with regret. It's a weird, feeling but it just reminds me that yes, I do love this. And you know, on the occasions when when we're at a party at the Sundance Film Festival or at a gorgeous mansion in the Hollywood Hills sipping free cocktails and eating gourmet food, that's not so bad either. ;-) But it's not like that happens all that much.

I'll be honest, it is not always easy for me to remember the good times since there has been so much struggle for us. And to be really, really honest sometimes I wish I'd married a nice, stable, boring accountant and had a nice stable, boring life. How blissfully easy that life sounds sometimes. . ;-) (No offense to the accountants out there) But then I wouldn't be living this great adventure with my wonderful, brave, adventurous husband who drags me out of my shell and into the light, even when I am hiding terrified of the dark.

I am indeed lucky in many, many ways. I just want to make sure that everyone reading knows that I know that. But just because I am lucky, doesn't mean I don't have moments that are scary or frustrating or stressful or all of the above! But yes, I do know just how lucky I am. I have a husband who loves me for me, even with all the bad stuff. He loves me even though I freak out sometimes, and lets me take all the time I need when I am feeling down or scared or if I just need to cry. He also helps me to follow my dreams by gently ~~pushing~~ nudging me when I get to stuck in the negative head space. Having a wonderful, supportive, encouraging husband who is in the industry and who understands the ups and downs and who has been in it all so long that he doesn't freak out like I do, has been one of the best things about my life. I am lucky to have him. I am lucky to have some really good, really understanding, really talented and loyal friends too. And our families are pretty awesome as well and have to put up with our crazy weird schedules all the time.

I am a lucky girl, leading an exciting, if not a little scary and broke sometimes, adventurous and fun life! :)

So, yeah, there you go. You got the bad and the good. My next post about this business might be on the ugly. ;-)

Insecure Girl in an Unsecured World.

2012-02-16T15:45:00.000-08:00

I have been silent for a while for a variety of reasons. Mostly though, I've not felt motivated to write about anything in particular. Or maybe I've had ideas but were too lazy to write them down right away and then forgot them. Maybe it was a bit of both. :-) Also, the holidays were insanely busy, as always. Also, as previously discussed and admitted, I don't have a real strong uh.... hmmm... how should I put this? Drive to succeed when it comes to my own projects? Yeah, we'll go with that. I am one of those women who seems to be better at helping my husband succeed than I am at doing my own stuff. It is not a way of being that I recommend per se, but it is what it is and yes, I am working on getting better about doing things for me. Luckily for me my husband, Curtis Andersen, while very appreciative of any help or support I throw his way, also REALLY wants me to do my own things too and is one of my biggest supporters and cheerleaders. So, it's not like he's an enabler of my inertia.

So, what have I been doing since last I blogged? Well, Curtis and I finished the show we were doing "Earthlings Beware" and we were sad to see it end. We had an absolute blast working together.

We hadn't worked together on a show in about a year since right around the time of our wedding. The last time we worked together it was on a campy, funny show called "Zombie Love: A Musical" This is a scene from it. I played a girl who's father had died leaving her alone with some abandonment issues. Curtis played a zombie who saves her from thugs, then pretends to be a real guy to date her. This is a scene from that. Please beware: it is meant to be very campy and silly, we had no budget, about 2 weeks of rehearsal and I had not sung in public (other than karaoke) or had a voice lesson in years, had some ridiculous almost laryngitis going on, and well, sadly, my voice is not what it once was. But I don't think it's awful and this scene always makes me laugh, so I am gonna post it. I'm being incredibly brave by posting this, so, be nice.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0Uly1t9E5s&feature=related

After finishing Earthlings Beware (of which I have no easily uploadable scenes to show you) we went straight into Thanksgiving and then, we jumped into another show called "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" That was also very fun. We played Martians in a fun, campy Christmas show. As you can see "campy" is a big part of the shows we do. But, for the record, it's not all we do.

Then it was Christmas and New Years and lots and lots of day job work for me but not enough money coming in for both of us. So after the holidays we were broke, my hours at work got slashed and we spent the majority of our time trying to get a lot of Curtis's projects off the ground. Yup, this is the life of anyone in the entertainment industry. So, Curtis has been working his butt off trying to get several awesome projects funded and going, while also teaching his acting classes and producing a book trailer for his boss's new young adult novel. I helped with that. :) (Everyone over the age of 32 should now have in their head that little kid from the Shake N' Bake commercial saying "And I helped" in her cute little Southern Accent.)

When not helping him with that, I was either at my part time and way underpaid day job not making enough money to survive, or at home worried sick about everything and anything, but mostly, about how in the world we were ever going to make it? Oh, I also was continually looking for better/more jobs but right after the holidays is not prime job hunting season. Meanwhile, (bless him) Curtis was killing himself to make sure all our bills got paid. (They did)

You see, I have nothing but faith in Curtis and his abilities. But I also get so very stressed out about the ridiculous and completely unsecure nature of this business. A business where reality "stars" make millions and truly talented, funny, brilliant people very often can't catch a break and where even if you do catch a break you have to really hustle to make it keep working for you. It's frustrating and maddening at times. And for, me, unfortunately, I am not exactly at my best when I am completely and totally stressed out. I pretty much just shut down or completely freak out. This time, with the exception of one tear filled freak out, I shut down. When this happens, I do what I absolutely have to do to survive, and nothing more. It's not one of my better qualities. I tend to my jobs that are paying me, to my husband and pets (making sure they are fed and walked and such), and I workout or exercise when I can manage the energy (being stressed sucks up quite a lot of energy). Oh and I will sometimes lose myself in books or movies. Last month it was "The Portrait of Dorian Grey" "Bossypants" by Tina Fey and "Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me" by Mindy Kaling. That's it. Which means that I don't write, create, or do much of anything else really during these unfortunate times.

You might think that reading those last two books by those authors might inspire me to go out and be a powerful, awesome, hilarious woman right? To go out and take this industry by the horns and say "Bring it!" No. Instead I felt like a big fat failure. These women were freaking superheros. They were super smart, college graduates who pretty much leapt into their careers full speed after college and never looked back. They didn't listen to the nay sayers. They didn't stop doing what they love because they needed to lose 5, 10 or 15 pounds first. They broke through so many barriers and never, ever gave up. They ARE truly inspiring. They are amazing. They are wonderful. And sadly, they are still the exception in this ridiculous business. But yes, I don't want to veer too much off point. They are totally inspiring especially if you are 15-22 and just starting out. They are the women more women should look up to and aspire to be like. Me? I'm a freaking cautionary tale. "How to Not Succeed in Show Business" is a book I could write but I am pretty sure some loser who despite being a loser, still has more drive than me, already wrote that book.

So, yeah, if you are in your 30s and have accomplished close to nothing, you might not feel so much as inspired as you will just feel like a big fat failure after reading these books. You will be laughing as you read because they are hilarious, well written books, and you will feel your inner chubby, dorky 15 year old theater geek becoming inspired. You will wish you had the inner strength and wisdom of these women when you were in your teens and early 20s. Maybe you'll realize that you DID have their wisdom, but nobody listened to you and instead of fighting like they did and pressing on and refusing to give up on your dreams, you gave up. You will then realize that you are getting inspired 20 years later than you should have and then you might cry for several days about what a big loser you are. I'm not saying that I did, just that you might have if you were in my shoes. Or rather, if you were in my fuzzy slipper socks under a fuzzy blanket in last night's pjs.

I eventually pulled myself together and kept looking for jobs, submitting myself for acting stuff and all that but I couldn't shake that feeling of having wasted all my best years. I was sporting a few extra pounds from the holidays which hadn't bothered me before, but now that I felt kind of like a washed up, over the hill loser, they did. In short, I felt kind of gross. My skin didn't look right. My hair wasn't working. All my clothes were just all wrong. Nothing felt like it was "right" in life. Well, except for Curtis and Frankie and Charlie of course. But man, was I worried about our finances and future. And Charlie didn't help being that his new hobby was clawing all my furniture, which just upset me more. I couldn't even control my cat. But then I remembered NOBODY can control their cat and cut myself some slack on that subject. That's why there is no such thing as a "Cat Whisperer". Cat's listen to nobody but their own inner predators. Huh. THAT could be a good inspirational book right there: Be Like The Cat. Cat's don't take shit from anybody! Okay, I digress....

The inner dialogue in my head was pretty much a constant loop of: "WHY don't you have health insurance? Why haven't you had kids yet? Why do you not own a home? Why do you not have any money saved? Why are you still struggling so hard to make ends meet? Why are there still boxes in your living room? What are you 22? NO! You're almost 35 and you are running out of time to make something of your life. So, what's it gonna be huh? DO something for God's sake!" Yeah, that's a pleasant way to go through your day, right? That lovely rant was also mixed with this other lovely and oh so helpful rant:

"The reason for all of the above is that you are a lazy, idiot dreamer who didn't finish college because you thought you wouldn't need it as an actress/performer but then you STOPPED performing! What the hell is with that? Then you took 8 million idiotic jobs to support yourself while barely supporting yourself whilst being completely unsatisfied with your life. You developed an eating disorder, you essentially majored in self inflicting emotional pain. So many people around you were telling you that there was something good in you, that there were dreams worth pursuing, that you had so much more value.... but you kept hiding. You kept starting and stopping. You kept giving in to the dark side and swimming slowly in the pool of pain you had become so accustomed to instead of fighting against the current long enough to get to the good stuff for once. What the hell is wrong with you? You are and always have been smarter and better than all this bullshit but you kept feeding into the bullshit for all the wrong reasons! To make your family happy, (but it didn't because you just blamed and resented them for your own unhappiness which just lead to more needless pain and strife for them and yourself) to make society like you (uh, have you seen or heard society? They're mostly stupid and not worth listening to) or to make (and really this is the worst of them all) boys like you. UGH. Gross. And then you wised up, you finally fought off the eating disorder, you picked a boy who loved you for you, flaws and all, you started a blog, you were performing again, you realized all your past mistakes and became determined to make your life the amazing one it should have been all this time! But you STILL haven't really done anything and you are STILL working in a BS job where they are paying you way too little to run a restaurant and yet you STILL won't speak up or leave or find something better! You still get too scared to really put yourself out there. You have made some progress, but you're still the root of all your problems. You know all this, but just owning up to it isn't enough. DO something. FIX it! FIX IT!"

Now, as you might imagine, all of this was not exactly calming or putting me in a positive mood. I did feel inclined to keep making necessary changes, but I was so overwhelmed with disappointment in myself I didn't know where to start. So, I just kept taking it day by day. But the blog or anything that was creative, took a back seat as I just tried to find ways to help us make money to make ends meet.

Then, out of the blue Curtis got a call that he was up for a commercial. They put him "on avail" which means that he can't book anything else for those dates and that he is one of the top people in contention for the job. Now, a brief history of Curtis's career: In the late 90s when we were first dating if Curtis was put "on avail" it usually meant that he booked it. Then we broke up and then eventually, completely unrelated to he break up, things slowed down for him for a bit. Then we started dating again. Things were tough for both of us career wise at that point. He started to get more auditions, and he frequently made it to call backs and getting put "on avail" and every time with fingers crossed we would hope that he'd get it this time. But he wouldn't. Then he started to make strides in his producing work. And people would want to pay him to produce things. And meetings would happen and deals would be promised. And then- poof- they'd fall through. And so, with each new "on avail" or each new possible deal, we'd think "This HAS to be it! Our luck has to change soon, right?" but it didn't. It got to the point that with each audition, call back, or being on avail or any possible deal happened, I would just flat out refuse to get excited until the check cleared so to speak. The disappointment was killing us and terrifying me. You see, I know that it seems like I put all my stock in Curtis and not enough stock in myself, and well, that is true to a certain extent. But I have also been trying to line things up for me too. It's just, well, Curtis had more going on that could end up in lots of possibilities for both of us, so, in a big way, his success was my success. Also, many of the opportunities and things he has going on, would not have happened were it not for my influence in one way or another. So, it's not like I am completely selling myself out.

Then we were hired to make a documentary. And we did. And for 9 months that's all we did. I didn't have to have a crappy day job and things were just a little bit smoother and we were ok. Things were kind of looking up. Until that ended and there was not another project funded and ready to go......And so the cycle started over. The life of anyone in this business....

Anyway, this time, he ended up booking a commercial! Hallelujah! Booking a commercial is a big deal at any point for a working actor, but this was even bigger in that it gave Curtis and I hope that maybe there was a change in the air. Maybe the good things were finally happening. He flew out to Connecticut to film it. His co-star in the commercial was also a Sabrina the Teenage Witch alum, the lovely Jenna Leigh Green. They had a great time catching up and filming. It should be airing soon... we'll let you know as soon as we know.

So, now with that success to help us keep the wolves at bay for a little bit, we continue moving on. And now, with all the stress of December and January behind us, I can breathe a little bit, calm down, find inspiration and sit down and write.

And there you have it. A long winded explanation of well, so many things really. I don't want anyone's pity. I chose to write all this for 2 reasons. 1: To explain why even though I love performing, and how my life can seem exciting and wonderful and full of good things, I can still be sad or worried or stressed or scared. In short, how this business is amazing and wonderful and yet still, kind of kills me. To give insight into what this business is really like. There are glamorous moments, but it is still a really hard business with so many highs and lows. 2. To let any girls out there like me know that they should only read my stuff as a cautionary tale and should immediately go out and buy "Bossypants" by Tina Fey and "Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me" by Mindy Kaling for REAL role models and real inspiration on how to break into this business. :-)

Something Awesome this Way Comes! And his name is Ray Bradbury!

2011-11-10T22:08:00.001-08:00

Wow. I haven't blogged since Sept 3rd?! Well, it HAS been busy. Work, family visits from out of state, our wedding anniversary, Halloween activities, auditions, rehearsals, a show, birthdays, cat having surgery... these things have kept Curtis and I crazy busy. And tired. SO tired. So, yeah... Curtis and I are both in a show called "Earthlings Beware" at The Costa Mesa Playhouse. If you live nearby you should come see us! It's a funny, campy spoof on 1950s Alien Invasion Movies! It's great fun and the audiences so far have really enjoyed it!

Also, the cat had surgery because of an infected abscess on his foot. He had a weird bandage on his foot, a cone of shame that he repeatedly escaped from and drove us crazy with and a $600 vet bill. Ouch. He's doing much better and is back to terrorizing the household. We're still recovering. Right now he is trying to eat peppermints I just bought and is digging them out of the grocery bag that they were in as well as their original packaging. I kid you not. He also likes to eat any baked goods left on the counter. Bagels, cookies, breads.... and it doesn't matter if they are in plastic wrap or plastic bags. He'll chew right through it. Nothing is safe in this house since we got the cat. But we do love the little bugger.

But the main reason I wanted to blog tonight was because I just finished reading "Something Wicked This Way Comes" by Ray Bradbury. I LOVED this book for so many reasons. You see, I came to love the wonderful works of Ray Bradbury late in life. I had the opportunity to get to know this writing genius in high school when a couple of his books were required in my English classes. However, I didn't read them because they were sold to me as "Really Good Science Fiction" and at 16 I had no interest in science fiction. Or rather, I had no interest in what I thought of science fiction which was space wars and aliens and stuff of that nature. Had I known better I would have devoured Ray Bradbury! I always loved books. As a child I used to spend hours in the local library collecting a stack of books to take home in the basket of my bicycle. I could get lost in books and I loved to inhabit the worlds in them. I was a voracious reader then and still am now. The main problem with this is that once I start a book I have a hard time putting it down, to the detriment of my "real life" at times.

But I digress. Back to Ray Bradbury. I finally read Fahrenheit 451 a couple of years ago and it was so amazing! It was like Bradbury saw eerily into the future! It still kind of blows my mind when I think about it, which is often. So, now onto "Something Wicked This Way Comes". It's kind of as if this book has been inside of me for years just waiting for me to realize it. You see, the movie version of this book came out in 1983. I have a very strong recollection of watching this movie, or at least part of it on tv a few years after that. Maybe as a Disney Special? Or possibly we rented it? I'm not sure you see because the ONLY thing I remember about that movie is the lightning rod and the storm brewing and the feeling it left me with. I think about that movie probably EVERY Autumn yet I couldn't have told you anything about the plot or premise other than that it was eerie. That's weird right? Anyway, I have been meaning to read the book for years. Years. So, this year, I was thinking about buying the book for myself once I was completely off book for my lines in the show as a little reward for hard work and also as a nice celebration for Autumn. But then I was reminded that the first wedding anniversary gift is supposed to be "paper". I thought the book would be a nice gift for Curtis to give me and so, he obliged and as part of my gift, I got my book! I was so happy! I started to read the book and this is where my love for all things Bradbury grows even stronger. :)

First of all, the book is dedicated to Gene Kelly. GENE KELLY! I LOVE GENE KELLY! LOVE! And apparently Ray Bradbury, who is freaking awesome did too. But he got to be friends with him! The dedication in this edition says "With Love to the Memory of Gene Kelly whose performances influenced and changed my life." ME TOO Ray! ME TOO! I actually remember the day Gene Kelly died. I was with my high school boyfriend Aaron and I remember he and his family were all very sad both for the loss of Gene and for me and my sadness. Gene was so talented and brought so much light to the world.

Then in the prologue is this: "But one strange wild dark year, Halloween came early. One year, Halloween came on Oct 24th, three hours after midnight....And that was the October week when they grew up over-night, and were never so young anymore..." Curtis and I were married on Oct 24th. And while this sounds dark and ominous, once you read the story, it is really about good triumphing over evil and looking evil in the face and laughing and the power of happiness and the realization that most of the things we worry about in life are really, really stupid. And well, it may seem weird, but it's kind of fitting for the beginning of the journey of marriage. At least to me. So, it is bizarrely fitting. And it made me happy. I got it on my anniversary and our anniversary is an integral part of the story! Crazy!

And lastly, in the afterward is a story about Ray himself that he published in 1988. It is about how "Something Wicked This Way Comes" came to be. It's a fascinating story. At first he just wanted to write something for Gene Kelly to star in. But Gene Kelly couldn't get financing for the screenplay. Let me repeat, GENE KELLY couldn't get financing for a screenplay written by RAY BRADBURY. What is wrong with the world?! But that does make me feel better about Curtis and I having a hard time finding financing for projects and makes me even angrier that movies like "Jack & Jill" somehow get made.... but I digress again. So, Ray decided to write the story as a novel instead. Lucky us. Then, over 20 years later, Disney finally made it into the movie that I seem to have both imprinted and blacked out from my mind. There is also a story about his own carnival experiences that lead him to want to write about the side show "freaks". He was once terrorized by a merry-go-round when he was four years old. But the even more interesting story is that when he was older, he once met "Mr. Electro" who "dubbed me with his fiery sword until my hair rose and sparks jumped from my nostrils, and cried 'Live forever!'" the next day he went back to the carnival and met all the carnival people and Mr. Electro said that he had met Ray before. Ray said that wasn't the case and Mr. Electro said that he could tell by the light in Ray's eyes, that he was the same soul as the friend he'd lost in WWI. and then said "Welcome back to the world." that's an awesome story right?

So, there you have it. I LOVE Ray Bradbury. I think he's an amazing person who writes amazing and insightful stories and has lived an amazing life with other amazing and supremely talented people. Now. Go READ!

On Gratitude and Happiness

2011-09-03T12:08:00.001-07:00

Last weekend after months of awesome and inspirational things, I had a bit of a run of bad luck and some other things in my life started to show some signs of stress and well, I was just having a tough time of things. I had a rough few days at work and it ended up sending me into a bit of a downward spiral. I was upset that I had to work where I am working, that I wasn't making enough money and that we had to struggle so much all the time to make ends meet. It continued and I was mad that the world seemed to reward idiots and criminals with fame and tons of money while so many good, talented people struggled and had to slave away at jobs where they had to fight with trash in dumpsters, get trash juice on them, and go home with achy backs and feet. Stupid ridiculous movies like "Bucky Larson" somehow find money to get made but the 4 awesome films that Curtis and I are looking for funding for (not just his horror film, there are other really great scripts that we are shopping around that are not all ours but that we believe in) can't find money and just flounder for years....I was angry.

This happens to me from time to time. Usually when I am scared or stressed about my future and/or about finances. It lasts a day or two and then usually goes away as quickly as it came. What helped me to get out of it quicker than normal was that I had been talking about all the things I am grateful for and posting them on facebook, twitter and even sending cards to people to tell them that I appreciate them. And knowing that I had just posted about something awesome in my life, made it hard for me to really believe that everything was all THAT bad. And I brightened up pretty fast. :)

So, because it had helped my mood so much, I decided to continue to try and focus on the positive publicly. Something about putting it out there to other people really made it sink in. I had a meeting with a mentor of mine and when I was telling her about me and Curtis I found that I was getting excited about our lives the more I told her about it. I wasn't lying about or embellishing anything, I just wasn't putting the focus on the really hard things we've had to deal with at times. I kept to all the positive stuff and I left there feeling like our life was AMAZING and full of AMAZING people. And you know what? It IS. It's just that it is so easy to get sucked into negativity. The news, the media in general and often a lot of the people that hang around our live can just suck the positivity and love right out of us at times. Emotional Vampires as my friend Heidi calls them. ;-) But after talking abut the good things for a couple of hours straight, it was like I had had a therapy session. I think it really sank in that when you look at it there will always be good and bad things in life but if you focus on the positive and are actually grateful for the good things, it sure makes things easier to deal with.

Obviously, you can't just ignore all the bad things. They need to be dealt with and sometimes, let's face it, bad things can happen, and at those times, a good venting or a good cry is helpful. You don't want to live in denial or be one of those weird "fake happy" people with that tight, fake smile that looks like The Joker and you fear that they are about to snap at any minute. But trying to spin your life in the most possible light seems to invite more light in and make most things good and bad and in between easier to deal with.

So, lately I have been getting rid of the dead weight and trash in my life. If someone always brings me down, or undercuts me or just plain doesn't really seem to like me, they are not allowed into the inner circle anymore. And while I can appreciate a funny snarky comment here and there, if that is ALL someone can talk about I find that their bitterness and anger rubs off on me. So, people like that got cut out too. I found that after getting rid of a lot of those people, sites and tv shows I felt SO much lighter, happier and hopeful! It was so great! There are so many really great people in my life that inspire me and lift me up and make me want to be better, that to spend any time on the people who bring me down and make me feel bad all the time was just really not worth it. I encourage you to all get rid of the dead weight and trash. :)

Then to really make it all hit home for good, I started to tell people what I was grateful for and I told some people how very much they meant to me. I really am a lucky girl to have so many wonderful and amazingly talented and kind people in my life.

Then the other day my friend Stephanie posted about a gratitude challenge she was doing. For 21 days you post what you are grateful about on facebook or twitter or your blog or whatever. Since I had kind of been doing that recently I decided to do that too and join her!

So, if you like go ahead and join me!

On my first day I was grateful for my awesome husband Curtis for his support and love and acceptance. He encourages me, helps me, and loves me unconditionally. It's freeing and empowering to be in a relationship with someone like him. :) On the second day I was grateful for my family. Both my own family and my in laws. I've been really lucky with my in laws. I know a lot of people don't really get a long with their in laws, but I get along with all of them which is nice. Not only that but both my in laws and my own family love and support both Curtis and I. We are lucky. And grateful.

So, what are you grateful for?

Here's a hint of what I'm gonna be grateful for tomorrow! Let his happiness rub off on you! :)

Just a plain, really good day!

2011-08-22T21:45:00.000-07:00

So, today turned out to be just lovely. I had a meeting that started at noon with one of my mentors and it was such a great meeting that we just talked about acting and life and stuff for about 2 hours! It was lovely and informative and fun and well, just really good! As I left, I ran into an old friend and it was nice to say hi quickly before heading back out into the "real world" on my good conversation high. I was wearing this year's favorite summer dress with a fabulous sun hat, my sunglasses and cute shoes so, I felt pretty and breezy and just kind of floated out to my car. Since my meeting (happily) took much longer than I had expected I decided not to go home before heading over to my sister in law and brother's house for dinner since they live in the area.

My sis in law had a couple of other friends over as well, one that I knew and one that I did not and I really liked them both so that was nice. It's good to chat with new people and get some new perspectives and stories! My nieces had friends over and were making mini donuts in fun fashion colors! My nieces are pretty cool! They were tasty little donuts! And then my sis in law whipped up some delicious cookies, some tortellini, spinach and tomato soup, a really great salad and bread! It was a delightful summer dinner with fun conversation and good people. I'm sure it was enhanced for me because I was already in such a good mood.

Then I came home (with leftovers for Curtis!) to my wonderful husband and the two fur babies Frankie and Charlie.

It was a very good day. :) I love days like this.

Random Thoughts While Looking Through a Magazine-August

2011-08-19T11:19:00.000-07:00

So, I posted a blog where I just wrote down my thoughts as I flipped through a magazine earlier this year. I'd like to make this a regular thing. At least monthly, maybe more. I get a lot of magazines. I hope you like it!

Magazine: Glamour September Issue

I like Target. I need new makeup. I like that Target has cheap makeup that isn't crappy.

I don't like fur. boo fur ad. Maybe It's fake fur? Probably not.

Tiffany's! Oh.... to have money....

Banana Republic has a mad men collection? I love these outfits! Oh to have money...

That male model looks weird. I don't want to buy jeans when I look at this ad, I want to run away from that weird dude.

Look! We used three models of different races in this ad! We're multi-cultural and hip!

Hair in the face is still cool. Good to know that the "hair mask" is still alive and well.

But what if I don't want to look like a hippy?

I WANT those boots! (Ugg Australia heeled boots)

Rhianna. Like her music, kinda iffy on her though. Can't decide. Sometimes she seems cool and sometimes she bugs me.

That picture looks like a dead body is hanging out of the car. I don't understand photo layouts sometimes.

Julianne Moore is amazing. Seriously. Are she and Demi Moore drinking from the same fountain of youth? How can I get in on their deal with the devil?

This chick has a pitbull in her photo for her quote. I like her. Thanks Erin Wasson model/actress/designer! Yay for positive pitbull press!

This ad for piperlime says "Be the girl you were too lazy to be yesterday." I like that. I need to remember that. But it's 11:30 and I am in my pajamas still so, that quote may need to wait until tomorrow for me. ;-)

Call me unhip, too old, whatever, but I'm sorry, I really want someone to give Lady Gaga a makeunder.

There's a list of reasons why you should be glad you aren't famous. They are all somewhat valid but if I am ever famous I am going to re-wear outfits anyway, dress like I am grocery shopping when grocery shopping and post whatever pictures I like. ;-)

I think I need to start investing more in really good sports bras. The girls deserve it.

Can we please lock Sienna Miller in a dungeon somewhere so the rest of us can stop feeling so inferior looking? She makes anything look good. Disgusting.

I have to say, those Zappos ads with the naked women? All of them have awesome yet reali-ish looking bodies. Thanks Zappos!

I would like to try some clip on bangs.

Boots! Yes, I am clearly ready for summer to be over. I want my boots back!

If I wore that fringe skirt I would look like an idiot. Seriously. It IS cute, but there is no way for a normal person to wear that and not be mocked publicly. Hell, that's the kind of outfit that even stars get mocked for in the back of US Weekly.

I'm not on board with this whole Native American Print fashion trend. For me, unless you live in New Mexico, Oklahoma or one of the Dakotas, this is not "in". This is best left to cowgirls and actual Native Americans. I feel the same way about big chunky turquoise jewelry. And this is coming from a girl with a real love of cowgirls and cowboys.

Those pants are ri-freaking-diculous. Again, the sort of thing that will get you on the back pages of US weekly where you will be mocked. And rightfully so if you wear these pants.

Quilt print? Quilt print! Why would I want to dress like a quilt?!

ooohhh.... a spread with Christina Hendricks. I love her. And her outfits.

There is an actual article on blow jobs. I'm not kidding. It even has a timeline titled Blowjob milsestones in History. Hmmm... I didn't know anything about the old porno "Deep Throat".... until now.

I'm never going to jump on board the jumpsuit trend.

And there were some really nice articles as well in this issue! But I didn't really comment on them. So, I really liked the article by Jess Weiner about how she was known as a plus size love your body advocate and when she lost some wait for health reasons she got some fan backlash. And there was a nice article remembering people lost in 9/11 and a spot on an Army Girl working hard in Afghanistan. :)

Summer time and the Living's Busy

2011-08-18T12:29:00.000-07:00

So, I was apparently not done being MIA. This is going to be several blog ideas in one so that I can catch up on everything that's been going on. I've been writing this for weeks. Today I will actually post it! ;-)

This summer has been insanely busy for Curtis and I! Aside from the 8 week acting intensive, I had two part time jobs and Curtis had his teaching job as well as working as producer for the documentary and for the horror movie he is trying to get funded (see his kickstarter page HERE!) AND working on webisodes for his web channel! Oh yes, and we somehow acquired a cat! He was supposed to just be a foster cat but it looks like we are keeping him. His name is Charlie!

So, because of how busy we were and all the changes we were also dealing with schedule wise and with the cat, we didn't have much time for fun for most of the summer but we are trying to make up for it now before summer ends! So, here's a recap of our summer fun so far!

The Professional Intensive Acting Program was indeed intensive and it was so much fun! Acting everyday with some of the best teachers/performers and fellow students around was amazing and I hope to do much more of that in my career!

We even had a little beach bonfire one night!

The acting program wrapped up with two weeks of rehearsal and then a showcase of all our scenes. The showcase went well but the two weeks leading up to it were very stressful. Here's hoping that my scene showed me off in the best possible light for the directors, producers and artistic directors who saw our dress rehearsal. That's right, they came to the dress rehearsal, not the performance, but you know, no pressure or anything. ;-) Here are some photos from our last days. I am going to miss these folks so very, very much! For two weeks after the program ended I had dreams about them! It was such a great experience with some genuinely great people!

The showcase was a fun day and night. We had two performances on the Argyros Stage at South Coast Rep which was very exciting! It's a big space and it was kind of magical to get to work on it! My parents came to the afternoon performance and then Curtis and his parents came to the evening performance. My mom came back for the night performance as well and brought me flowers!

Then, afterwards, I went out with Curtis and his parents to dinner at Maggianos! I LOVE Maggianos and right now they have a really great special where if you order off their "classic" menu you can take home a full size portion of anything else from the classic menu! The portions are large to begin with so if you get this deal you end up with about 2 to 4 meals (depending on how much you can eat at once)for the price of one! We had a nice time and then Curtis and I headed over to the local Fridays for a cocktail with some of my fellow classmates. We also had a good time there!

Then the day after the program ended I got sick. I had wanted to go to the OC Fair that day but instead I was in bed sick all day. I remained sick for the next 3 days as well. Some sort of awful cold from hell. And I had to work two of those days so, it was a bit of a lost week for me in terms of any productivity creatively or around the house.

But then I started to feel good enough to do things again so on Thursday my parents and I took our dogs Frankie and Maggie to Dog Beach! That was really fun! Maggie is their recently adopted dog. She came to them straight from the pound and had no manners or training but she ended up coming in first place in her doggy obedience class! And she did very well her first time at Dog Beach! Frankie is always good at Dog Beach! :)

Then on Friday we went to the OC Fair! What can I say? We love the Fair and we get Super Passes every year so that we can enjoy it on several different visits instead of trying to rush through the whole thing in one day. We love to try the foods, see the animals, go on the scary rides, see the exhibits and maybe catch a musical act.And we always get photobooth photos there. Every year. :) On Fridays they have a $2 tasting before 4 pm where you can try small portions of fair food for $2! It's a great deal and also better for your waistline! We tried: Fried Zucchini, Gelato, Chocolate Covered Strawberries, Falafel, "Australian Battered Potato" (not really an Aussie thing from my experiences in Australia, but still quite tasty!)and a mini crepe!then later that night we had dinner from our favorite place there, the sushi place. I had a tofu and veggie rice bowl and Curtis had actual sushi. Some spice tuna and unagi if I remember correctly.

I bought a VERY LARGE hat! I love it!

We ate a lot of fair food!

I played with llamas and goats!

More food!

Hung out with my sis in law, nieces and parents and went on some scary fair rides!

Then I worked that Sat and Sunday and worked on getting the house in order. But then I started 7 days straight of work and that pretty much wiped me out. We did make one more night time fair venture after work one day though where we went on more rides and ate more yummy food!

My first day off after 7 days was on me and Curtis's "Elop-iversary"! the anniversary of the day that we went up to a winery in Temecula and "eloped" 2 months before our wedding. We had been really stressed with the wedding and we wanted a day that was just for us with no stress and we had really wanted a winery wedding. That day gave us the best of both worlds a ceremony that was relaxed and personal with just our immediate families and closest friends and also a more formal, traditional wedding with our extended families, friends and wedding parties! We were very lucky to have our family and friends support for our two crazy weddings! And we both loved both days for different reasons so we are celebrating both days in different ways. :) What can I say? When I can't decide between two things I want, I do both! :)Here are some pics from the semi "elopement" from last year!

So, on our elope-ivesary we went to Disneyland for a bit and had a nice southern lunch of fried green tomato sandwich, crispy chicken sandwich, zesty slaw and sweet potato fries! Then we finally got to ride on the new "Star Tours" ride! We loved it! Same feeling of the original with new plot lines and fun new technological surprises and twists! Then we walked around the "happiest place on earth" for a bit before heading home to go meet my parents for happy hour at a place by our house. That was fun and we met some cool people! We really need to get out more in our neighborhood. Then we went to Taco Tuesday with our friend Dean, at The Matador Cantina, also by our house. It was so good! They have vegetarian Tacos! Yum! Then it was home to relax with our fur kids before hitting the hay! It was a great day and I loved having the whole day to spend with Curtis with nowhere to rush off to!

Now that things are somewhat back to "normal" here is what I am hoping to accomplish before the summer is officially over:

1. Enjoy more ice cream cones on hot days outdoors.

2. Enjoy a mellow day at the beach with Curtis. Possibly with a little picnic.

3.Get to Disneyland again! We have passes but were too busy most of the summer to go.

4.Go to a water park!

5.Host a BBQ at our place. :)

What are your end of summer plans?

MIA ~ Missing in Acting

2011-07-13T22:38:00.000-07:00

I've been a busy little beaver acting my ass off and working. I was accepted into the South Coast Repertory's Professional Acting Intensive Program this summer. So, for the past 5 and a half weeks I have been in acting classes from 10 am -4 pm and working on the weekends and a couple of weeknights.

The program is amazing and I feel like I have grown so much both as an actor and as a person just from being involved. The teachers are all brilliant and wonderful and tough and my classmates are all talented and all bring something to the table. I've made some new friends that I hope will carry over into my real life when the program is over.

I'm watching "So You Think You Can Dance" right now and the thought just occurred to me that this program is very much like "So You Think You Can Act"! So, you're good at contemporary stuff, how about Shakespeare? Okay, can you do Improv? How good are your auditions? Can you do dialects? How about Classical? Everyday we get put through our paces and it is always a challenge but also always rewarding. So far, most days have been good days and I leave feeling pretty good. Last week was a bit rough around the edges for me. It was week 4 and I was feeling over tired from dealing with work stuff as well as my classes and I started to feel like I was faltering a bit, but now I feel back on track this week. It has been a challenge for me both as an actress and a person. I don't always handle stressful situations well. But I feel like I have been handling this pretty damned well if I do say so myself.

One of the best compliments I got was that the director of the program and several students said that I seemed to be very confident and self assured with no self image issues. Yay me for being able to put my mature, self assured adult face on! Look at me, I'm growing up. ;-)

I always knew that I loved acting but being able to act everyday has shown me that it is a love that was stronger than I ever knew. It has made me happier, more creative and more fulfilled. It has also made me ridiculously exhausted. There are a lot of expectations to meet which brings on pressure and there is a LOT of homework so, in addition to the joy it also brings stress and exhaustion. ;-) In fact, I had wanted to blog about this process all the way through but I was always way too tired after classes and working and/or busy with learning lines or reading plays to blog! Tonight is a rare night without much homework so I am able to take a few minutes to write. :)

By the end of this week we will be done with our classes and will find out who our scene partners are and what scenes we have for our final showcase. Next week we start two weeks of rehearsal with one of three possible guest directors! That's exciting! I'm really excited to see who I am lucky enough to work with!

I'll try and keep blogging about this regularly. It's been an amazing experience. I feel more confident and stronger after just 5 weeks. I can't wait to see how it all comes together in the end and I will be very sad when it all ends.

I'm sorry I never finished the blogs on the trip to New Orleans. I'll finish those sometime. Or you can just check out Curtis's blog on the trip at Curtis Andersen Super Blog!

New Orleans! Day 1

2011-04-27T09:21:00.000-07:00

So, our first full day in New Orleans got off on a late start due to exhaustion from the drive. We woke up, had some coffee and I did some exercises and stretches since I'd been cooped up in a car for 2 days and also had been cooped up in bed sick for 3 days prior to that. It felt so good to move!

After that we headed into the French Quarter. We went straight to Central Grocery for their famous muffalata! Curtis loves a muffulata sandwhich! It consists of Italian bread, Central Grocery olive salad (olives, carots, peppers, couliflower all marinated in olive oil and spices)a whole bunch of Italian meats and cheese. Since I don't eat the meats I just take those out and let Curtis have them and eat the sandwhich with just cheese and olive salad. It is SO good. We also had some stuffed artichoke and some Barqs rootbeer.

Then we headed out for a walk. I took Curtis down by the Mississippi River and then back into the Quarter. They were filming two movies there right now. A Nic Cage one called "Medallion" and the "Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter" one as well. We saw them filming all over town.

We walked around a while and then ended up in a Voodoo Shop getting Tarot Card readings. The lady was pretty good! Curtis's reading was pretty scarily spot on. I felt like mine was good too but mine was a little less specific and more vague. Still though, she predicted good things for both of us. We are both supposed to write and act more. Yay!

Then we met up with my Aunt and Uncle to have some oysters before heading over to watch my cousin's band play at a club on Bourbon St.

The band was really good and we all had a great time! Curtis wanted to start a band and move to New Orleans to perform in the band and also make movies. Movies are big business there now. We're considering trying to do some work down there. Fingers crossed!

Then it was off for some dinner and some more fun int he French Quarter! We headed to a restaurant called The Gumbo Shop for dinner and were seated at a little table that is half inside and half in the courtyard. It was really a cute little place! New Orleans reminds Curtis and I of Europe in a lot of ways. It's small streets, old buildings, good food, even the smell.... Ahhhh. I miss Europe. We really want to do more travelling.

After dinner I ended up pretty much hitting the exhaustion wall after about 5 nights straight of hardly any sleep. So, instead of having more fun in the French Quarter we called it a night and went home. What can I say? We're old. ;-)

Road trip to New Orleans! California, Arizona and New Mexico Portion!

2011-04-23T14:13:00.000-07:00

So, we decided to drive to New Orleans to visit my family down South for our first real vacation as a married couple. I had done this trip with my family every Christmas vacation for 16 years. My parents are hard core and were able to make this trip through blizzards, with 3 whiny kids in the back and other crazy trials and setbacks with just the two of them trading off driving in less than 2 days without stopping somewhere to sleep. Curtis and I are not that hard core, so we planned on stopping to sleep so our trip would be about two full days. We set out bright and early on Tuesday morning. We dropped Frankie off at our parents house and then hit the road, our hearts heavy with the guilt of slipping out while Frankie was playing with his cousin Maggie. We hate leaving him. It's pathetic really. I can't imagine having kids and leaving them. There wasn't much traffic so we were pretty lucky with that.

We drove for a while and then stopped in the Banning area of California at a place called the Farm House for Breakfast. It was adorable and looked like a barn on the outside and a quaint country home on the inside. There were banners supporting the troops and a memorial for a beloved friend of theirs who was a fallen soldier. There was a giant Rooster outside as well. We HAD to stop at this little slice of Americana. The people that worked there seemed like the salt of the earth. Friendly, simple, hard working. The sat us down and we looked over the menu. Our coffee came quickly and so did the food. I had a hearty oatmeal (in anticipation of breakfasts of beignets) and Curtis had biscuits and gravy. He could barely get through half and he had a half order!

Then we headed out and made our way through the rest of California. As usual, I had to pee in the middle of the desert and so we stopped at the next place we saw. As it turns out, there was a General Patton Museum right there! When we parked in the lot we noticed a dirt devil cyclone to our left. That was neat! But man am I glad not to live in that kind of desert. SO DRY! We really enjoyed the little museum which was full of General Patton and WWII memorabilia. They also had an outdoor area full of tanks and old trucks. It was really interesting to see.

Then it was back in the car to power through some more desert. We stopped in Phoenix, AZ for a late lunch. Thanks to social networking (Thanks so much PETER! GREAT suggestion!) we were told to go to Pizza Bianco. I cannot rave about this place enough! It is a little tiny place on 7th Street near the ASU campus and apparently it usually has an hours long line, but we arrived on their very first day of being open for lunch and walked right in! It is adorable and the employees are all knowledgeable and nice. The food is amazing. They have salads and pizza. The salad we got had arugula, strawberries, goat cheese and walnuts and the most delicious, light and fresh lemon vinaigrette! It was SO good. Then we split a simple Margarita pizza. It was amazing. It was very thin crust and had light sauce and cheese and fresh basil. It reminded me of the amazing pizzas I had in Italy and the South of France. SO GOOD. I had a Peroni beer with my meal and Curtis had the House Amber Ale. Both were tasty and complimented our meal. Our server's name was Tyler we think. We can't quite be sure though now. In any case he was nice. We then had a cappuccino that was also like the cappuccinos I've had overseas (why is it SO hard to find decent cappuccino anywhere in the states?) and some delightful biscotti. It was so lovely I didn't want to leave but we were already behind schedule so, we had to be going.

See how happy we were there?

We then continued on through Arizona and New Mexico. By the time we crossed the Texas border we were getting tired as it was getting pretty late. We still had a couple hours to go until we got to our stop to sleep in Van Horn, Texas. When we were very close to Van Horn we came upon the Border Patrol Checkpoint. It was 2 am. We were exhausted and loopy. We answered their questions as the dog circled the car. Imagine our surprise when we were asked to pull over for a secondary check because the dog had supposedly signalled something having to do with narcotics or human trafficking! We pulled over and were told to get out of the car with our hands in view and asked if we had weapons. We were then told to stand a distance away and to keep our hands in plain view while they continued to grill us about everything from our relationship and when we got married and why we were on our trip and where we were going and such. The looks we were getting were not the trustworthy kind and when they finally let us go because believe it or not, we were NOT transporting illegal people or drugs, they seemed disappointed. The main guy that did the talking seemed nice enough but the other guys really seemed to want us to be criminals. It was weird and they made me nervous. I was very glad to get out of there and back on the road. Welcome to Texas! ;-)

A while later we finally checked into our hotel in Van Horn at 3 am. Lucky us! The final time change happens literally RIGHT before you get to Van Horn! So we went from 2 am to 3 am the blink of an eye! It was not exactly a 5 star establishment, but it was probably the best we could get in Van Horn for $60. the people checking us in in the middle of the night were nice and we didn't contract bed bugs or lice so that was good. That's really all I ask of a hotel these days. Especially of a hotel that I am only spending about 4 hours in.

We awoke the next morning after not enough sleep, got showered and then headed out again. We missed the breakfast buffet. My parents have stayed there and they said that it was quite a nice little breakfast for such a run down little hotel, but alas, we missed it both going and coming. Oh well. We could have stopped at a McDonald's on the way out but neither of us were fully awake enough to be hungry. That was a mistake. You see, once you enter Texas it can be hundreds of miles before a decent food option (or ANY food option really) presents itself. when we finally stumbled upon Ft. Stockton, TX it was nearly lunch time and a McDonald's seemed to be our only option so I got a Fruit and Walnut Salad. Let me just say this: THANK YOU MCDONALD'S FOR HAVING THE FRUIT AND WALNUT SALAD FOR OTHERWISE I WOULD SURELY PERISH ON ROAD TRIPS THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE! You see I had that salad about 4 times on this trip. Twice on the way there and twice on the way back.

Awaiting food..... somwhere in Texas... I named this Boob Mountain.

The rest of Texas was pretty normal. This was my view for most of it.

We stopped in San Antonio for lunch. And in the afternoon it was really nice to see greenery in the Southeastern area of Texas after so much empty desert.
Green!

It was even nicer to feel the humidity in Houston signaling how close we were to swamps and water. We also LOVED this rest stop outside of Houston called Buc-Ees! It was awesome! The best truck stop EVER! It was huge and clean and had everything you could possibly need!

And then it was onward once again. When we got to Louisiana the unmistakable scent of heavy, swamp land air filled out lungs we were nearly ecstatic.

We rolled into New Orleans at about 1 am on Wednesday night! We turned onto my Uncle's street and I saw the drive thru daiquiri place on the corner! So, of course we HAD to stop and get some! Then it was on to my Uncle's where we unloaded the car, talked a little with my Aunt and Uncle and then hit the hay for some much needed sleep.

To be continued.....

Sick!

2011-04-23T13:47:00.000-07:00

I got sick 2 weekends ago. At first I just thought I was sore from all my new workouts. But the thing was, I wasn't that sore the days after my hardest workouts, but then 2 days after my last workout I started to get REALLY sore. Like achy awful sore all over. I had a thought that I could be getting sick as that is how most of my flus seem to start. When the pain hit my lower back in an ache that always precedes sickness (when I was younger I was always afraid that I had spinal meningitis because of this. I had and still don't have any idea if you get pain in your lower back when you have spinal meningitis but for some reason that was always my fear) I was worried, but I HAD been using different muscles during the circus workout so, I hoped that that was all it was. Then during a walk with Frankie in what was admittedly cold and windy weather I got REALLY cold. That's pretty normal I suppose. But then I couldn't get warm again. For the next two days I was freezing, shivering cold no matter what. Hot baths, lots of blankets, nothing made me warm. And oh was I sore and achey. Then, half way through Saturday as I was cleaning the house I suddenly felt the undeniable flush of fever up the back of my neck and a little faint. I had to admit it then: I was sick. Crap. There was so much to do before vacation!

After I finished cleaning I went to bed and stayed there. Curtis got home and I didn't feel like I had a fever, but I had goosebumps from being cold despite being in a warm house under a down comforter. That night I went to sleep and when I woke up a few hours later I was drenched in sweat. This is how my weird body gets sick. I don't get fevers right away. I remember that as a kid I would wake up feeling like death warmed over and my mom would take my temperature and send me off to school thinking I was faking since I didn't have a fever. I was usually sent home from school later that day for being sick. OR I would suffer through school for a day or two before the fever kicked in and I was allowed some respite. There was also the time that I had strep throat. I got strep twice a year as a kid up into my teens. So, I KNEW when I had strep. One time I made my mom take me in and the doctor did the strep test and it came back negative. I was horrified. I KNEW I was right but the doctor and my mom wouldn't listen to me. The next day I was sent off to school in ridiculous pain. That night I finally got a fever so it was back to the urgent care. That time the test came back positive. My body is weird. I also have had in my health care repertoire, Scarlet Fever,The Beijing Flu (that one got me my first experience with an IV) and a bacterial infection in my throat that lasted for 10 months of hell with 104 degree temperatures, puss in my throat and pain like you can't imagine like razor blades in your throat, before I changed doctors and they finally took my conquered tonsils out.

I get weird sicknesses and my body doesn't conform to normal symptoms right away. My healthy normal temperature hovers around 97 degrees instead of 98. So, maybe I just run a little cold?

In any case, after my first night of sweats and chills, I hoped to wake up feeling better. Alas, in the morning I was still sick and had an actual fever. I stayed in bed and hoped to feel better in time to leave on our vacation the next day. That night I seemed to be doing better. I didn't feel great but my fever had broken. I went to bed hopeful. Then I woke up at 4 am and was starving. I got out of bed and as soon as I stood up I felt nauseous. That started the puking portion of my flu. When Curtis woke up a few hours later I was a mess and there was no way I was getting into the car for a road trip.

Luckily, by that night I was feeling a bit better and was able to get packed up and ready to go. The next morning, bright and early we set off on our trip. A day late meant less time in New Orleans for us, but we still wanted to go! Blogs about that to come.

Tabata Intervals and More Circus Classes!

2011-04-07T09:52:00.000-07:00

So, on Tuesday I did the Tabata Intervals again and this time I am proud to say that I was up to the 8 intervals again! And I wasn't crippled by it the next day! I did however look like this when it was done. ;-)

Then, last night my friend Ami and I took our second "Circus Class" the Static Hoop. It's not all that static though as that thing spins around and swings a lot. There were only 4 of us in this class so we got to try a lot more tricks, poses and stuff like that. Because we were trying so many new things we had to get on the hoop a lot. That's the hardest part, getting on. At least for me. I don't have any photos of that part because I imagine I didn't look that graceful getting on. It's kind of like gymnastics or playing on a playground. There are a few different ways to get on but the one we did the most was you hold onto the bottom of the hoop, then kick up and pull with your core muscles to hook your legs around the hoop so you are hanging upside down. Then you have to pull yourself up with your arms and core and also kind of your legs to a sitting position. That is much harder than it may seem. Anyway, once you are up there's all kinds of cool things you can do.

It was definitely more of a workout this time than the Tissu class only because there were a lot of people in the tissu class so we only got up in the tissu a couple of times. By the half way point in the 2 hour hoop class I had callouses already forming on my hands like I did when I was a kid in gymnastics. I also had rope burns and a scrape behind my knees. Today I am only mildly sore but the scrapes and the callouses hurt. Still though, I had so much fun! It reminded me of a combination of gymnastics and dancing with a little bit of playground daredevil thrown in. All things I enjoyed as a kid and teenager. I'd like to keep taking classes. We'll see.

Anyway, this is what we learned.

The Mermaid

The Lean Out

Peter Pan

Man in the Moon

Split something or other

Eagle's Nest

Ami

In Case you missed it... Random Thoughts While Looking at a Magazine

2011-04-05T12:45:00.000-07:00

So, I was trying to keep two blogs going but every time I do that I find it difficult and also, I can't seem to get many followers on the other blog so I guess I am just going to stick to this one for the time being until I figure out if there's any reason to keep the other one. In any case, I posted this blog on my other blog but if you didn't see it there, here it is because I think I am going to make this a regular series as I have subscriptions to many magazines and while I enjoy them, I do find that they frequently have funny or silly things that I think you may also find funny and silly. :)

Hiding behind a hair mask is now a "Do" thanks to Lady Gaga! ;-)

So, yesterday I was thumbing through some magazines that have been piling up. Here is some of the advice or suggestions given and my reaction to them (clearly I am not a high fashion kind of gal...):

Mag: The key to rocking something as bold as sequined leggings? Low key nuetrals on top.
Me: The key to rocking something as sequined leggings? Amazing legs that most people don't and won't ever have. Or possibly a long skirt.

Mag: (in an article about hair) I wanted to make the most of Oh Land's natural wave...
Me: Hold up! This model's name is Oh Land?! WTH?! Oh wait, this says she's an Electro-pop Danish musician. Well. Okay then. That explains it.

Mag:8 Key Pieces for 2011~An oversize sweater,a pleated skirt, a fringed bag, track pants, major volume- could be your hair, your skirt or both!, something color blocked, the great white shirt, wider leg jeans
Me: (Looking at photos of 8 outfits I would probably never wear ever) These are all horrible. Clearly 2011 is going to be a bad year for me in terms of fashion. I might rock a pleated skirt, possibly some color block (I did grow up in the 80s and 90s after all) and how the hell can a white shirt be on any list? Isn't it a "classic" meaning it's always a good item to have? But I'll leave the giant fringed bags to the hippy wanna be starlets, the track pants to people actually participating in sports and wide leg jeans? When you are only 5'3" these are not a good idea. Unless you are pin thin. Literally pin thin. I'm talking Ashley Simpson, Nicole Richie or Rachel Zoe thin. Otherwise you need to be about 5'10" to even try to pull that off. Long full skirts look ridiculous and schlumpy on most people. The oversized sweater shown made even the stick thin model look heavy. Point taken. Thanks designers for making such ugly un wearable clothing "fashionable". Bleah.

Mag:Photo spread featuring thigh high and ankle high socks with sandals.
Me: I'm sorry but nobody normal can pull that off. In fact even these beautiful girl models would look ridiculous in public like this.

Mag: Four Women, Four Ways to Wear a Tie
Me: please, just DON'T.

Mag:DO matchy matchy lipstick and shoes- at the so and so show models wore bright orange lipstick and wore bright orange heels! So Chic!
Me: Orange lipstick with orange heels? So, Eek!

The Great Return to Fun Fitness Experiment

2011-04-05T12:10:00.000-07:00

So, this year, one of my goals was to take more dance classes and different fitness classes. I am able to do this partially through things like Groupon and Living Social, both websites I highly recommend for good deals on everything from dental visits, restaurants, crafts, classes and adventures.

So, first up in the great return to fun fitness, Circus Classes! My friend Ami and I both took Social Living up on their offer to try out to "Circus Classes". We had the option of Tissu, Static Hoop and Static Trapeze. Tissu is the art of doing graceful poses and movements while essentially tying and untying yourself in stretchy fabric suspended in the air. If you've see Cirque Du Soleil shows or watched the most recent "America's Got Talent" you've probably seen people performing in Tissu.

The first thing you do is warm up which involves a lot of yoga like poses and pretty intense stretching. It reminded me a bit of yoga and a bit of my old dance class workouts. I know I am getting old because when we were stretching on the wood floors my knees hurt from being on the wood and i was wising for my comfy yoga mat. When I was 16 doing stretches like that on a wood floor was fine and didn't even phase me. Ha! How cruel time is. I am proud to say that although I haven't done "crow" pose in a very long time I was able to hold it! Go me! Also, I have kept my splits up and I can still do both right and left splits. As usual I still can't do center splits. I never could. Not when I was 8 and in gymnastics for years, not when I was a teenager after dancing for years. Never. But almost nobody in class could so I took comfort in that. ;-) Only people like this weirdly flexible and clearly deboned child made of rubber can do center splits.

So, the first thing you learn in terms of the actual tissu is how to climb up the fabric so that you can start doing tricks in it. This is essentially like climbing the rope in gym class only with trickier foot positioning. In other words, it's hard.

Then you learn how to wrap your foot in different "locks" to support yourself.

Then you learn a pose. If you continue taking classes then you get to learn more tricks and poses.

We had a GREAT time. I would like to take more classes but I think the schedule for it won't work with my new work schedule so, we'll see. There's another dance studio that has those classes but I have to check their schedule too.

Tomorrow we are taking a Static Hoop class where you get on a suspended hoop and do stuff. Reminds me of playground fun! Can't wait to see what it's like!

Tabata- I will conquor you!

2011-04-01T10:04:00.000-07:00

So, this week my workouts have been going very well. Mon and Wednesday I did cardio and stretched a lot. Tuesday and Thursday I did the Tabata workout. Today is supposed to be another cardio workout but we have to go to LA for the documentary and Frankie's allergies are acting up so last night our room was haunted by the ghost of Thumper as he scratched and scratched so I finally got out of bed and slathered him in anti itch cream which means I didn't get as much sleep as I'd like and so we slept in a bit today. (Total run on sentence, I know.) So, I am hoping to do some cardio when we get back,but who knows? Tomorrow will be the Tabata workout again. I did 5 out of the 8 intervals per exercise to get used to it on Tuesday. Then yesterday I did 6 out of 8. But, because I cut the intervals at the end of the workout I continued to do intervals of exercises that don't make me feel like I am going to puke on both days to add to the workouts a bit. The good thing is, I've been able to workout and do lots of things all week because I haven't been crippled by ridiculous soreness, so, I think I am going about this the right way. The plan was to go up to 8 intervals on Sat but, I think I may stick to 6 or maybe go up to 7. I don't want to push it too much. I have a very busy week next week and I need to not be crippled.

For those who might not have known the Tabata interval workout is from the Self Magazine's "Drop 10" plan. "I don't think I will drop 10 pounds just by doing this workout. And I can't stick to their diet plans whatsoever for some reason. But, the workout is a good workout to try if you're interested. Just start out slow if you're new to that sort of thing. Well, to be fair, my crippling soreness last week could have also been due to me not stretching as much as I should have after that workout as well as the fact that I then went and did almost 50 minutes on the elliptical and then walked the dog for 2.5 miles that same day. But since I can't be sure, I am very glad that I cut back a bit on the workout and am slowly working my way up to the full workout. I still walk the dog at least 2 miles every day no matter which workout (cardio or Tabata) I am doing. But this week I have been only mildly sore which has been nice. I also had a massage on Wednesday. Thank the heavens for massages! So, that has probably helped in alleviating soreness this week too.

I literally drip in sweat when I do any tough workout and the Tabata intervals are no exception. It feels good to push myself but man do I hate how much I sweat. It's disgusting. I'm one of those people that really HAS to shower and change into dry clothes when I am done working out. It's not fun. Sweat wicking workout clothes are a necessity for me. I bought some supposed sweat wicking workout pants not too long ago and they are anything but sweat wicking. And it seems that all the ones that look like they may be sweat wicking are REALLY expensive. So, I may have to save up and purchase some sweat wicking workout gear a little at a time. Until then, I'll be the girl working out in cotton and spandex blends soaking wet.

There's more I want to blog about but it's gonna have to wait until another blog because I am too tired to remember what it was. but it will come to me. And I have my notebook and voice recorder on my phone so, I'll try to remember to get those ideas recorded somehow.

Happy April Fools Day! Don't go too crazy!

Cooking with Quinoa

2011-03-29T09:28:00.000-07:00

So, I' have been into quinoa for a while now. Quinoa is a "super grain" full of protein and amino acids. You can find it at most stores but I usually get mine at Trader Joes, Mother's Market or Sprouts. But when I first tried it I just kept trying to cook it by by sauteeing it with onions and garlic. It was ok that way, but not really GREAT. Then my friend Karen (Who blogs here about her adorable son Henry at www.ourlittlehenrymiller.blogspot.com) introduced me to quinoa salad which mixes quinoa with grapes, cashews, green onions and a dressing of olive oil, lemon juice and sugar and salt. It is SO good. People love this stuff. It's great as a side dish or as a main course. The recipe is as follows:

3 cups cooked quinoa
1 and a half cups chopped grapes
1/2 cup cashews, hazelnuts or any nut you please.
1/4 cup green onions

Dressing: 1/2 cup olive oil, 2 TB fresh lemon juice, 1 TB Sugar and 1/4 teaspoon salt- mix together.

Easy right?

Since then I've tried adding it to other things and I REALLY like it as a substitute for brown rice and also in salads.

Yesterday I made a salad with romain lettuce, yellow bell pepper, quinoa, garbanzo beans, tomatos, celery and dressing with balsamic vinegar, olive oil, brown mustard, and a garlic seasoning. Let me tell you, it is delicious!

Next I am going to try a quinoa stuffed pepper with quinoa, cheese and tomato sauce. I have high hopes for that. I think I stole that idea from my friend Kimberly Rae Miller who blogs about food, fitness and her life in general at www.thekimchallenge.com .

My other friend Liz who blogs at The Insane Ramblings of a Happy Housewife told me she made some quinoa by substituting tomato sauce for the water when cooking and it came out like spanish rice and they used it as part of the stuffing for burritos.

Those are my tips of the day! Hope you try some!

Jobs! Food! Travel! (overwhelmed!)

2011-03-28T12:47:00.000-07:00

So, the documentary is rolling along and is scheduled to wrap in the end of May. The thing about documentaries is that you can't really talk about a lot of the stuff that goes on because there are so many privacy clauses in the contracts. We were hired to make this documentary, it's not "ours" so, I am not at liberty to talk about all the juicy stuff that I would like to speak about and that I know that you would all find interesting/entertaining. So, I apologize for not writing more about it. Let's just say that I've learned a lot about plastic surgery and the doctors involved and that it's definitely not all good, but neither is it all bad.

In any case, when the doc wraps I will need to have another source of income. I am also hoping to be a part of an professional acting intensive in June and July so, I needed a part time job or two with flexible hours to help get us through the summer without being evicted. We've got to keep a roof over our heads you know. ;-)

So, I applied for some jobs recently thinking that it may take a while to actually land one in this economy. I was also planning a trip for Curtis and I to go to New Orleans to see my family and so that Curtis can finally visit there since he's always wanted to go, even before he knew me. I figured it would take a while to get a job and that I probably wouldn't be starting any of them until after our trip in mid April. I also wasn't sure if we would even be going on the trip since 90% of the trips I plan for Curtis and I fall through due to lack of time and or finances.

As usual, because I "figured" something, the universe laughed at me and made the exact opposite occur. The same day I sent out resumes I got two interviews. In the next 17 days I had landed two part time jobs! This is very exciting and a bit overwhelming since I really wasn't expecting this so soon! One place is a fancy restaurant where I am a hostess but really more like a manager or maitre d. There is a LOT more responsibility than just "hostessing". But it is a cool place and it is privately owned and not a corporate chain and I really like that about it.

The other place I haven't started at yet. It's a gourmet store and tasting room run by a local small brewery. I'd be working in the tasting room and possibly waiting tables when they open their planned beer garden in the near future. The guys that run it seem very nice and it is a really nice place full of cheese, beer, wine and chocolate! There is also meat for those of you that enjoy meat with your cheese beer and wine.

When I had been planning our possible trip I found that it was REALLY hard to find cheap airfare to New Orleans from the west coast for some reason. I have a great ability to find cheap airfare but I fail when looking for cheap airfare to New Orleans. I was in despair about the over $800 it would cost us to fly versus the amount of time that Curtis could take off from work. Then, I got the jobs, and then, in an odd twist of fate Curtis was actually able to take time off work from his teaching job! That meant that though we weren't sure we could afford the ridiculous flights to New Orleans, we could drive to New Orleans and make a road trip adventure out of it! Yay! So, yeah, I got the jobs and they both started right away.... Yay! The restaurant job is cool with my being gone in April. I have not spoken with the other job about that yet because it wasn't a for sure thing when I was interviewing with them, though I plan to when I go in to fill out paperwork soon. I think they will be okay with it, but you just never know. Here's hoping!

The restaurant job is more exhausting than I remember. Standing in heels for 6 hours at a time is not something I am used to. I need to find some good comfy, but pretty shoes for this job. The perks of the job are lots of free food, nice people to work with, nice clientele for the most part, and for the most part, it's easy. The downfalls of the job are that the hours are a bit later than I had planned on and the free food.

Yup, I put free food in both columns. Why? Because though it it delicious, it is also a bit more rich and fattening than what I usually eat. I've noticed that people that are there for a while start to customize their food to be healthier. Salads that aren't on the menu stuff like that. But right now I am being pressured into trying everything on the menu. But I am also gearing up for a trip down South. I love visiting New Orleans but the food choices there are not at all the same as they are here and I find that it's REALLY hard to eat healthy there. So usually before I go I try to lose a few pounds and eat really healthy before going. That was not easy this past week. Aside from the new job and tasting their foods, I couldn't workout as much (see post below) and I also had a beer tasting party to go to and I couldn't not go to that because I need to learn more about beers for the other job! After you've tasted 10 beers, and had a beer at dinner, those chocolate covered, chocolate stout dipped, handmade marshmallows and chocolate covered pretzels become pretty hard to resist. Then last night I met the owner of the restaurant for the first time and when he is there he has dinner with the hosts/managers. Being that it was my first meeting with him, and everyone was raving about the fried chicken, I ended up having the fried chicken dinner with mashed potatoes, green beans, a salad, a roll and a biscuit with honey followed by apple pie with ice cream! (All American dinner!)I didn't eat it all and brought home half the fried chicken dinner, but I am not ashamed to say I ate all my pie and ice cream and the biscuit with honey! Still though, I'm not exactly feeling my fittest after last week.

Being the new person is kind of weird. It's like your dating your new job. "So, do you have kids? What do you like to do? Oh, so you don't eat red meat?" It's a lot of explaining. I'm not complaining though, like I said everyone is really nice. It's like marrying into an already established family and trying to figure out where you fit in. I love that the restaurant isn't "corporate", but it does mean that I don't really know what to expect. As much as I hated most "corporate restaurant guidelines" I am used to them.

So, starting today I am going to have to forgo trying everything on the menu and try sticking to my usual healthy choices. Then when I get back from vacation I will slowly work my way through the foods I can eat on the menu. As a mostly vegetarian, that shouldn't take too long. ;-)

Well, I gotta run! Busy day today! I have a feeling my days are gonna get busier and busier over the next few months!

Tried a New Workout. Ended up Broken.

2011-03-27T15:06:00.001-07:00

So, Last Monday I tried a new workout: The Self "Drop 10" Tabata interval Workout. AKA: The Workout of the 7th Circle of Hell. The gist of it is that you do 20 seconds of high intensity exercise and then rest for 10 seconds and you do that 8 times for each exercise and there are 8 exercises. They do say it's a challenging workout but then they also talk about how fast it is and time saving. Uh-huh. Unless it cripples you for a week. Then it's not so time saving. The exercises are pretty hard and you'd think that getting to rest for 10 seconds every 20 seconds would be kinda easy, but, um, no. It was the hardest workout I'd done in years. Self didn't mention that maybe you should work up to doing all 8 exercises if you've never done something like this before or if you weren't an Olympic Athlete or Navy Seal.

You're supposed to do this workout 3 times a week. I did it on Monday and then I went to my usual gym time for some straight cardio with Curtis. I knew as soon as I finished the grueling Tabata workout that doing more may be over doing it, but I didn't want to interrupt my usual flow so I figured instead of doing it Wed and Fri which are also my big cardio days that I would skip until Thursday to do the next workout and then finish up the week by doing it on Saturday. What happened instead was that the next day I could barely move. I was seriously so sore that I felt like my legs were made of lead. Or Cement. Solid, heavy and unable to really bend or move in any way. The rest of me was sore too, but it was really my legs that suffered. I was like an old woman leaning back to put an arm down to help ease me when I had to sit down. Pushing myself up a bit to try and get to a standing position. It was awful. I figured one day of really bad soreness wasn't too much of a price to pay for awesome fitness though. I managed to get out and take Frankie for a 2 mile walk but that was about it and that in itself was difficult.

Then I woke up on Wednesday. I was starting a new job and was STILL amazingly sore. I had to stand and walk and go up and down stairs in heels for the new job. I nearly cried going up and down the stairs. And by the time I got home I was too tired and sore to workout.

Then Thursday was a repeat of Wednesday. I wasn't as sore but I was still feeling tight and I was just generally unhappy in how my body felt. I had to work again and when I got home after being on my feet for 6 hours, I was exhausted. Yeah, you can call me a wimp. It's ok.

By Friday I was doing better. Curtis and I went to the gym and walked the dog and I did a different strength workout and a lot of stretching. Saturday I did some cardio and more stretching and now on Sunday I feel almost back to normal. I have a feeling that I'd have fared better if I hadn't started the new job this week or if I'd have started out a little slower on the workout. The new job threw off my schedule quite a bit and also required me to stand and walk about in heels for long stretches of time which I am not really used to anymore.

So, on Tuesday I will try again, but I will do only half of the intervals. Instead of 8 I will do 4 and when I am done I will do a lot of stretching. Then on Thursday I will do 6 and hopefully by Saturday I can try to do all 8. We'll see. I'm all for pushing myself but when one workout makes it hard for me to workout the rest of the week, it seems to defeat the purpose. And listen, it's not like I've never worked out before. I've been getting back to my old workouts for the past couple of months and doing pretty well with it with only slight soreness after starting. So, this was a pretty challenging workout. I would caution any beginners to ease themselves into this one. Either that or it's just not a workout for me. Different bodies respond differently to different things. I guess we'll find out.

Magazine Lies

2011-03-14T23:31:00.000-07:00

Every so often I feel the need to lose myself in a trashy gossip magazine. I'm not proud of this fact, but sometimes the mindlessness of those magazines is just the guilty pleasure break I need. To be fair, I don't take much, if any, of what they say as truth. Knowing lots of people in the entertainment industry and watching a reality show get filmed means that I know how this machine works. Most stories are "leaked" by publicists (even the so called "bad" ones) and the rest are made up or leaked by so called friends or neighbors. In any case, sometimes, curiosity gets the best of me.

So, today I was thumbing trough a Life & Style Magazine from a couple weeks ago. It's the one wit Kim Kardashian and Holly Madison on the cover that says "We Have Cellulite! So what?"

I ended up purchasing this particular gossip mag because of an article on a blog I follow on here called "The Feminist Guide to Hollywood". They mention the magazine and that Holly was involved and that she and Kim would have photos of them un retouched in the magazine. I am always intrigued by these "un retouched" photos since almost every image we see these days is re touched.

So, when the magazine came out I bought it. It took me a while to get around to it. Well, today I was not feeling well and was tucked up in bed and miserable and I finally had time to peruse some magazines.

You can see part of the article here:

It was supposed to be a "girl power" article about two famous women who are not "Hollywood" skinny and who are okay with their curves even if people in their industries are not as okay with it. They may have succeeded in that had they not thrown in some complete inaccuracies about Kim that seem meant to make you feel that she isn't quite okay with her body at all times and that maybe you shouldn't be either. Magazines do this a lot and it pisses me off! Luckily by now, after years of getting sucked in by this crap I can see through all the smoke they blow.

In the portion that talks about Kim they mention a nude magazine shoot she did and how she had gained 10 pounds before the shoot while filming her reality show with her sister in New York and how when Kim saw the cover of the magazine she cried. Umm... Not QUITE. I don't watch the Kardashian show for the most part but I have caught a couple of the first episodes of the most recent one with her sister. First off, the shoot took place either before the show started filming or VERY early on, so the lie that hanging out and filming a show made Kim pack on some weight would be hard to sell. I SAW the episode where her magazine images get sent to her and yes, she cried, because they were supposedly to photo shop art images all over her naked body which she said was the only reason she got naked for the shoot because she didn't want to do anymore "nude" shoots, but then they didn't put the images on her and it really was just her naked body. At one point a tearful Kim is on the phone with her agent crying and the agent says "But, you look REALLY good Kim" in a weird effort to console her. So, the way she looks in the photos aren't "fat" or "10 lbs heavier" they are probably at her "physical best" all worked out and dieted down. The issue was her blatant nudity, not her weight.

The fact that the magazine so blatantly made up this story to make Kim appear to be even more worried about her weight is just infuriating to me because it undermines the entire "girl power" idea of the article. And yes, this is common in women's magazines build you up and then knock you down a bit. It's what most magazines do. If they get everyone really and truly on board with being okay with cellulite and being all "You go girl!" instead of snickering and bitching about other peoples weight gains and body issues, they wouldn't sell so many of their vicious magazines. Especially the ones where stars talk about their diets and what not.

Learning Curve

2011-03-13T14:56:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been feeling like I am not living up to my potential. I feel this weird sense of dissatisfaction in my life. Like things are just not quite right. So, I'm re-vamping my plan for things. I've been setting new goals and working on new learning opportunities to help me achieve these things.

That being said, I know that some of these goals feel heightened because of recent natural disasters. Things like that really shake a person up. I actually get a bit depressed over things like this. Yesterday was that day. I just felt down and a little hopeless and I know that it was the tsunami that triggered that. It's just so sad and scary when Mother Nature rears her ugly head in a way that is just so otherwise inconceivable and so utterly heart wrenching and horrifying. The recent earthquakes in New Zealand, the floods in Australia and the earthquake, tsunamis, and nuclear meltdown in Japan have really heightened the things I want to accomplish in my life. You just never know what is going to happen. Not to be too depressing but, you may not have a tomorrow. Or maybe you will but maybe your whole life will be turned upside down in ways that you can't even fathom in some nightmarish possibility reserved for disaster movies. You just never know. And that makes me, who feels very behind in what I hope to accomplish in my life, feel a bit under the gun so to speak.

My heart truly breaks for and goes out to the people of New Zealand and Japan. I cannot even begin to fathom the horror of that monstrous tsunami in Japan. Those poor, poor people. I came across the news coverage just late enough to miss the coverage showing people actually losing their lives. I am very glad that I didn't see that coverage. There is something that just feels wrong about seeing someone lose his or her life in front of your eyes. During 9/11 I remember watching people holding hands and jumping off the towers to avoid dying in the fires. I was so horrified and so saddened by those images and I never want to have to see that again. It's just so sad.

Japan was a place that Curtis and I wanted to visit in our travels together. He has been to Japan 3 times and loves it very much, but I have never been and he really wanted to show me Japan. We still plan on trying to go at some point in the future, but when that will be is anyone's guess. Both of us have travelled a lot, but we've not travelled a whole lot together. I've been to Australia 3 times and I cannot wait to show him Australia. And both of us have been to Europe and would love to go back together. We'd also like to visit family and friends in New Orleans, Chicago, Montana, New York and Florida. And we'd like to go somewhere tropical too. So, as travel goals go, we have a lot to do!

But right now, we still need to get things like health insurance, and figure out what our next paying project/job will be when the documentary we are working on ends. And in the meantime, even though we haven't done the travelling we want to do, we are just grateful for each day that we have with each other, Frankie and all of our loved ones. It's a scary time to be a live. The world is indeed changing and we are all feeling the effects in many ways.

So, as I was saying, I have been feeling pressure to do accomplish things. But what I have come to realize and appreciate today is this:

Whether or not Curtis and I accomplish all our other goals, we have a pretty nice life right now. All I can do is hold on and enjoy the rest of the ride and do as much as I can now to accomplish as much as I can in whatever timeline that ends up being. In short, I've decided to stop thinking in terms of "should" be doing and what I "should" have accomplished in life by now and just do what I can accomplish.

I'm also sorting through the things I am trying to accomplish because I feel like I "should" versus what I actually "want" to accomplish. That's a big step. For example, Society says that now that we're married we will naturally start working on adding to the family. But we are not entirely sure that having kids is in the cards for us. We'd like to, but I've reached the end of my "very fertile" time and am swiftly moving into "less fertile by quite a bit" years. That's hard to acknowledge. I don't feel old. I've always been a late bloomer in my life and I really feel like I am just starting my life with Curtis and I want to do so MANY things with him. I don't want to rush into having kids, but neither do I want to have kids later in life. That had me in quite a stressed out bind for a while as I contemplated it. But now? Now I just want to take our marriage one day at a time. We'll work towards our goals, we'll work at getting some more financial security and things like health insurance and if we end up having a kid or two, then, we do. If not, we won't. But we certainly can't have kids just because our families would like us too and because that's what people THINK we should do.

The world is scary and unstable right now. The least we can do is wait until we can provide a safe and secure home before bringing a child into the picture. In the meantime, we are gonna make the best of our life together. We will make the best of it, whatever should chance to come our way.

Wanna know what's been going on with me?

2011-02-26T14:00:00.000-08:00

It's been a busy couple of months! Lots of stuff going on in my life and also in the world! So many exciting things and also so many scary and unnerving things. At the very least it's an exciting time to be alive! I'm crossing my fingers that when all the dust settles that it's all for the better but there are some situations and possible laws going onto ballots that definitely make me squirm. Here's hoping that in the end commoon sense and decency to fellow men wins!

I'm working on a post about this right now but it's not quite ready yet and I need to get on with my day. So, for now this will have to suffice. Let's ust say I am sick of treating the symtoms of things in society instead of the problems. It really all comes down to personal responsibility and common sense. They keep trying to same "fixes" over and over that don't work. It's costing us so much money as a country and indeed as a world. Education and holding people responsible for their own stupid actions are really what we need more of. Not more bans that won't work and that will only inconvenience innocent people. And no, I am not just talking about dogs. ;-) I'm talking about everything from stupid world dictators, drug laws and this new "attack on women's rights". Education, prevention, compassion and personal responsibility. That's all the world really needs right now to be on the road to being better.

If you'd like to see how things are going for me and my show and my personal life then head over to the other blog Lil Vixen Stirs Things Up!

What's Going On? Touching on a Touchy Subject

2011-02-26T13:40:00.000-08:00

So, there have been a lot of events lately that are kinda freaking me out. All the I feel like we are moving backwards in this country. For example, it is NOT okay to murder someone for performing an abortion on a woman who consented to one. No matter how you feel about abortions that is NOT okay. South Dakota and Nebraska are both considering a bill that would make it justifiable homicide to kill someone who engangers the life of a relative including a fetus and the bottom line in this law is that it makes it okay to kill an abortion docotr if a female relative, wife, daughter or girlfriend decides to have an abortion. That is insane!

I've never had an abortion. I don't think I ever could. And so I suppose that makes me pro-life in terms of how I feel about that personally, yet I would never judge someone let alone KILL them over an abortion.

There are also laws being considered that would make it illegal to perform an abortion even if the mother's life is in danger! What? Are you kidding me? Yes, it's always much better for a child if they come into the world knowing that they killed their mother and caused ridiculous suffering to their father and grandparents and possibly other siblings. HOW IS THAT OK?

Then there is talk of cutting funding for Planned Parenthood. Here's how I feel about that: If you are anti abortion that's fine but please get it through your heads that A: Not all Planned Parenthood clinics offer that service and B: more people go there for basic women's health services and for birth control to PREVENT unwanted pregnancies than they do for abortions. For people without health insurance Planned Parenthood is a literal life saver. You can get free or low cost services for basic women's health like pap smears, female problems like bacterial infections or yeast infections or even scary stuff like pre cancerous or cancerous issues, STD tests, pregnancy tests, pre natal care, and if you have abnormalities they can treat those scary health situations as well. If you are anti abortion than you should applaud their efforts to educate and provide birth control for women who need it who don't want to ever deal with an unwanted pregnancy. They also have counciled people to give up their child for adoption. They are not just an abortion place. They do SO MUCH MORE good than bad. Really, they do. I don't love everything they do. But all in all they help more than they harm. There are more healthy babies born from pre natal care than there are babies aborted.

If you don't want to pay for teenage mothers or poverty stricken mothers on welfare, than you should also applaud Planned Parenthood. Wouldn't you rather pay for birth control rather than welfare or abortions? And as far as I know NO federal funding goes to the abortion services that they sometimes provide.

I'm ok, you're okay

2011-02-06T11:23:00.000-08:00

So, last night was the "Gala Opening Night" of our show. It went really well! If you'd like to read and see photos from that please check out my other blog Lil Vixen Stirs Things Up.

But what I want to write about here is how women will put themselves down any chance they can. I never know how to react to that. If it's a good friend, or if they are seriously body dysmorphic and are being absolutely ridiculous about whatever they are complaining about, I tend to tell them so. But what do you say when you don't know them that well, and the things they are complaining about are somewhat true and what you really want to do is tell them why they should just love themselves as they are or do whatever it may take to change that quality if it is truly making them unhappy?

I'm not saying that I don't ever complain about myself. I do. But I have definitely been making an effort to do it less around other people if for no other reason than that we need less negativity in life and more positivity and also, because it makes the people around you feel uncomfortable. It either looks like you are fishing for compliments or at least fishing for re-assurance or it looks like you truly dislike yourself and that's just awkward to be around too.

Think about the people that make you happy to be around. They are usually happy, somewhat confident people who are relaxed and comfortable in their skin. So, it makes sense that if we want people to want to be around us and enjoy our company, then a little self deprecating humor is okay, but when it seems like complete insecurity or if we are being completely uncomfortable in our skin, people don't like it.

So, come on girls! Let's be okay with who we are. Let's make peace with how we look. Let's focus on our health and how we feel instead of how we look. Let's let all that inner beauty shine through! Let's take the things we don't particularly love and find something that we love about them anyway. I'll start.

~I don't have much of a waist. I've got a very slight curve there but I am far from hourglassy. Part of this is due to my narrow hips. But, some people would kill for my narrow hips and that lack of hips mean that I can fit into smaller jeans. So, Yay for not having much of a waist!

~ My boobs are lopsided. One is bigger than the other and consequently they are two different sizes and shapes. So, My husband gets one bigger, heavier boob, and one smaller perkier boob. The best of both worlds! And in most bras you really can't tell anyway.

~My thighs are what you may call muscular or thick. They are like tree trunks. But man are they strong. I can run, walk for miles, hike, dance, jump and possibly crush a walnut with my things. ;-)

~I'm short which means I am far from a lythe, leggy beauty. But on the bright side, shorter guys were never off limits to me like they seem to be for my taller friends and I can wear super high heels and still not be taller than a lot of people. (I don't really care about this, but a lot of my tall female friends bemoan the fact that they only feel comfortable with guys who are taller than them or that they can't wear heels because then they are "too tall", I realize this is one of their own body image/confidence issues but in any case, I've never really had that problem)

~My face has a tendency towards being a perfect circle. If I gain an ounce it shows up in my cheeks. Too much salt the day before? Bloat face the next day. I always wanted what the beauty industry has dubbed the "perfect oval face shape". If you have that face shape you can wear any hat and any sunglass frame and look chic and awesome. If you have any other face shape you have to be really careful about your glasses and accessories. It kind of blows. How unfair is that? But in any case here are two good things about my round face: 1. It keeps me looking young. Chubby cheeks are a sign of youth. Seriously. 2. My husband really loves circles. So, he doesn't mind my big ol round head at all. Honest. It's weird but hey, it works in my favor. ;-)

So, there you go. If I can do it, so can you. So, take all the complaints you have about yourself and find something good about that part instead. Then, instead of focusing on the negative aspects, focus on the good aspects. And here's one last tip. If you focus on the beauty around you, especially the beauty in other people that also takes the focus off of you and anything you feel insecure about and makes the people around you feel beautiful and happy to be around you. So, spread the love and give out genuine compliments when you can. Wouldn't the world be so much better if women built each other up all the time instead of tearing them apart?

Check out my other blog!

2011-02-05T11:26:00.000-08:00

So, I moved some blogs over to my other blog "Lil Vixen Stirs Things Up". That is the blog where I will blog about things like acting, traveling, my shows, daily everyday stuff and other more fun stuff! This blog will become much more focused on the two causes that started it- Body Image and Pit bulls/Animal Welfare.

Today I posted a recap of our opening night last night, on Lil Vixen.

So, please check out and follow Lil Vixen HERE.

Thanks! You all rock!

Documentary and Stage Shows

2011-02-03T12:56:00.000-08:00

I didn't have a great photo for this post so, I just used a couple of my new headshots. That one in the green won't really ever get used, I don't think, it was one we took just for fun. But I like it. :)

A couple of days ago Curtis and I woke up early and headed to LA to do some filming for the documentary. We were in a plastic surgeons office. We got to see a lot of things including part of a breast augmentation. Boy, I always knew that surgery wasn't "pretty" and that it would be rough going when filming surgeries but man- it was really disgusting. The smell alone was gross. But the sight of someone cutting and cauterizing skin is really gruesome to me. Curtis handled it a little better than me, but then, he doesn't have boobs. ;-)

It's been a busy week in general on the documentary front. We're really getting into the filming part now. Most of the paperwork and research is behind us. That is exciting! Add to that business the fact that I am just finishing up "Tech week" for the show I am doing. Tech week is also known as "Hell Week". It's the week of dress rehearsals, sound and light cues and last minute changes in blocking, costumes and stuff like that. It's not always bad. This director is actually really good about getting us out at reasonable times, but it's no matter what it's always a somewhat stressful and busy week for the actors and tech crew involved.

We open tonight! Last night we had our final dress rehearsal with a small audience. It went okay, but not great. One of our actors was sick the night before our dress rehearsal so that rehearsal was a little out of sorts without him. The dress rehearsal was good for us to get back on our feet all together but it was a little rough. I think tonight will be better. Let's hope. ;-)

I play 4 different parts in this play. A cockney accented Ukrainian immigrant, a touch chick truck driver/delivery girl, a recently sobered up alcoholic doctor and a somewhat bitchy recovering alcoholic waitress.

I won't lie, the cockney accent was hard for me. Some accents come somewhat naturally to me and others not so much. Cockney is not one of my strengths. But I gave it my best shot with accent cds and such. But by this week, I had to just let go of the idea of being perfect and just have fun with it. I believe that while I will probably have critics critiquing my accent, I would have had them even if I was better than I am and more people will enjoy my performance if I am having fun with the accent than if I am nervous or trying to hard. Also, at one point I felt really good about the accent but the director was afraid that some of the audience wouldn't be able to understand me so, we dialed it back a bit so now it's a watered down cockney. In any case, it's a much more fun part when I am just having fun with the accent than it was before when I was nervous and trying hard to make it perfect.

In other words, I don't think that all the great, real "chameleons of acting" out there have to worry about me catching up to them, yet, in terms of accent mastery. Oh well, I did the best I could on my own and with a couple of accent cds. ;-) Also, my character is Ukrainian who learned English from a cockney speaking teacher. So, really, that accent could be very varied. That's my story and I am sticking with it. ;-)

Sometimes it's not about being "perfect" as much as it is making the best of what you've got. :) I took this part because going between characters and doing different accents and voices would be a challenge for me and would help me grow as an actor no matter what. I'm glad that I took on that challenge and I hope that it pays off in terms of audience enjoyment. :) I should probably take a couple of improv classes though. I think having more improv experience would have helped me in this show.

I am excited to be a part of the show though. It's written by the Amy and David Sedaris and I love them both. David has written some of the funniest stories I have ever heard. My friend Karen and I had a great time listening to his books on cd in her car whenever we went places together for about a year straight. We also went to one of his book readings and he signed our books. He was very nice and funny. His sister Amy is also quite funny and she is an actress. I am also a fan of hers. You can check her out HERE.

I am thankfully not playing the part she plays. I'd hate to ever be compared to her playing a part that she and her brother wrote for her. I also now really regret not getting to see her in this play years ago. My friend Karen and I were going to try and see it when it was up in LA but we ended up just never being able to. I would love to be able to see her vision of it now. I wonder if it was ever recorded? Hmmm. I should look into that.

So, that's where the show stands as of now. I will leave you all with a little blurb about the play from the playhouse website:

The Book of Liz
From one of the wittiest satirists of our time and his comedienne sister Amy comes the wacky tale of Sister Elizabeth Donderstock, cheese ball maker for her cloistered religious community, the Squeamish, who leaves the compound for the very first time to discover the lunacy of the outside world.

The playhouse website is

www.costamesaplayhouse.org

Sled Dog Slaughter

2011-02-03T12:38:00.000-08:00

This is a very gruesome article about a Canadian Company who brutally and cruelly slaughtered 100 sled dogs when business slowed after the Olympics. It's horrifying that anyone could even think to do this let alone actually do it. This is why I fight for animals. They can't protect themselves against us. They need some of us to be on their side to protect them from the violent, cruel humans among us.

The article says that they looked for adoptive homes for the dogs but couldn't find any. So they were going to euthanize the dogs but the vet they consulted refused to put down 100 healthy dogs. My question is, was it ethical to increase their dogs by a hundred to accommodate the extra business of the Olympics without a plan of what to do with the extra dogs once the Olympics were over? What were these people thinking? They were thinking greed. There was no reason to increase their dogs that much. They would have had more than enough extra business to begin with. And I truly don't believe that they tried as hard as they could to find homes for the dogs. I am certain that there were multiple dog rescues and possibly even sled dog companies in Alaska or other areas that would have taken on some of the dogs if they knew the alternative was that they would be slaughtered in the most cruel and inhumane way that they were. These were smart, friendly, highly trained and more than likely highly pedigreed dogs. There was no reason that they couldn't have been used somewhere.

Hell. Sending them to a pound where they would have most likely been euthanized but at least somewhat humanely, or would have at least been given the opportunity to be seen and adopted by the public would have been better than what they did. Read the article and decide for yourself.

I'm only posting it because it so perfectly exemplifies why we need to stand up for animals. I hope that the people involved in this are punished accordingly. I hope that they one day know the same sort of extreme fear and confusion that those poor dogs did knowing they were about to die slowly and painfully at the hands of people that they loved and trusted and had worked so hard for. Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting.

Read the story here.

Happy Birthday Month to Me!

2011-02-01T17:00:00.000-08:00

Hi All!

It's February! I love February. Mostly because it's my birthday month but also because it's now also my niece's birthday month, my nephew's birthday month and the home of Valentine's Day.

Last month my resolutions were to walk at least 10,000 steps a day, to work out 3 times a week aside from my walks with Frankie, to upload new photos to the casting sites and to get my cockney accent down. I think i did average 10,000 steps a day, but I can't be entirely sure because my pedometer broke during the last week. But in general I did pretty well with that. My working out more kind of happened, but it got a bit upset during Sundance. I could have tried harder to make that work in Sundance but in the end, getting at least a little rest during that crazy busy time and still having fun and getting business done took precedence. But for the rest of the month I feel like I did pretty well. I did get my cockney down pretty well. It's not perfect, but when I did it REALLY well the director worried the audience wouldn't understand me so, we toned it down. I think I am doing okay with it. At this point, 3 days from opening night I have decided to just let go of "trying" with it and just have fun with it. And I totally failed at updating the casting sites so that needs to get done this week!

What I learned from this past month is that even at times when I am splurging food wise and maybe not exercising as much as I should, my weight didn't really fluctuate. I think that because I was just trying to move more in general, I felt more comfortable listening to my body and giving it what it wanted and needed. After Sundance and then celebrating my mom's birthday right after, I felt like I would be a bloated mess but actually, I feel like I am looking better than I have in a while. I'm not really sure how I managed that, but hey, I'll take it. I haven't weighed myself in a long time so I don't know if my weight changed during this past month, but I don't care because my clothes fit and I feel good. :)

My goals for February are to meditate more, to see all the major Oscar Nominated movies (a goal every year actually), to actually use the gym membership that I have for me and Curtis (I miss the elliptical) and to really get on the ball with doing more acting and performing. Since I have a show performing more is taken care of but Curtis and I also have ideas for webisodes so, we need to get on that too. Curtis and I are going to start waking up earlier to walk Frankie and get in a workout before taking on our other tasks for the day. And I really need to meditate. I have a hard time keeping calm and not getting upset with myself and the world around me at times. So, I am hoping that meditating will help me to keep in a better headspace.

I'm looking forward to my shows, my niece and nephew's birthday parties and of course, the Oscars! I don't think I will be doing much for my birthday since every weekend is taken up with my show and the kids' birthday parties. I plan on doing a joint birthday celebration with Curtis in March because his birthday is just 9 days after mine and takes place in March.

So, happy February all! I hope it's a great one!

Sundance Recap

2011-01-24T11:52:00.000-08:00

On our first day we flew in and were the first ones of our condo group to arrive.We have an awesome room and it is a beautiful condo. We then headed out to pick up our credentials and tickets and to check out the scene and meet up with our fellow condo mates and also my friend Erica. I met Erica in an acting class a couple years back and then she moved to New York. Her parents have a yearly ski trip here that usually coincides with Sundance so, this year we were able to meet up which was very fun! It was good to see her again!

We had dinner at a Mexican place that could not get my order right if their life depended on it. They brought me out three different entrees. None of them were what I ordered but in the end they brought me a veggie burrito. It was a little heavier than I had planned but it was quite good. So, I just took it and kept it. I had to send back to pork dishes that they kept bringing me. It was actually very funny.

The next day we headed out to some parties, but we ended up walking into town which is about a mile in the windy snow. I got wind burn and also quite wet. It made all my eye make up smear down my face and packed itself into my braids. It was in the spikes of Curtis's hair. It was very funny in hindsight but horribly unpleasant at that point in time. So, we ducked into the first warm place we could get to which happened to be Main Street Pizza and Noodle. It's a landmark here and the food is pretty good so, we usually end up there at least once every trip. They have heat lamps in the indoor corridor by the restaurant so why we were able to dry off a bit and warm up while we waited for a table. Once inside we saw my friend Erica again as she was leaving with her dad. That was a nice surprise.

We then went to the NYU Party and the Columbia University Party. NYU was soooo crowded that it wasn't really easy to move or talk to people, but the Columbia party was a real good time complete with blue drinks and some good appetizers. We met some nice people including the director of programming at The Newport Beach Film Festival. She is a very nice lady and we hope to have some films to submit to her in the future!

Then we headed to a movie a friend of ours gave us tickets to. It was called "Vampire". The good things about it were that it was well acted with a good cast and for the most part well shot. The bad things were that it was horribly disturbing. I won't go into detail here but at every film festival we end up somehow seeing a film that makes us feel like we need to shower afterwards to wash it all away. At this festival, THIS was that film. It took us the rest of the night to actually recover from it. It is not a horror movie. It's not about Vampires. It's basically a weird film about serial killers. But not really.

After that we headed home and went into the hot tub. It was nice. Very relaxing. Getting in was tricky though. Ice on bare feet is not a good combo. ;-) But once in it was actually really nice.

Then we headed out to the grocery store to stock up a bit and then we went out to Main Street. We saw the aftermath of a fight. Cops were involved. It was kind of exciting.

The next day was much better weather and we headed out to the Filmmakers Lodge for some coffee and hanging out before going to the Tweet House Sponsored by Cadillac. The Tweet House was awesome. We saw some neat panels, met some awesome people and just in general had a good time. Then the boys were hungry but I had had a lovely sandwich from the filmmakers lodge. It was veggies and cheese and hummus. SO GOOD.

So, they went to get some BBQ (Man food- hahaha) and I went across the way to meet my friend Art and his friends while they watched the Packers/Bears game. Art used to work with me at Disney years ago and is now working for the Montage Hotel. They have a hotel here now and they flew him in from Cali to work the Sundance events. It was great to see him and he just so happened to be sitting next to the editor from Morgan Spurlock's new film "The Greatest Movie Ever Sold". So, I got to meet him and he bought me a drink, which was nice. Then Art and his friend Eric came to meet Curtis across the street and they invited us to come see them at the Montage so on Tuesday we are going to do just that! :)

Next it was back to the Tweet House for a cocktail reception. We met a DJ from LA named Striker and his wife Katie. They were very nice and interested in the documentary. Then we met some other great people! It's just so awesome to meet passionate, talented people while you're here!

Then we went home to get ready for the Fotokem party. This was our fourth time there and it is always a great time! This time they had people doing tinsel in your hair, a green screen photo area, and of course the massages and oxygen bar and the good food and drinks!

Then we had to cab it over to a theater to see the indigenous shorts at midnight. We shared a cab with some really nice guys who made a documentary about Hurricane Katrina. The indiginous shorts were mostly good though a couple didn't really connect with us. Then it was home to collapse.

We got 4 hours of sleep and then it was off to the Shorts Program 2. They were SO good. There was only one that we didn't really care for. The rest were all REALLY good. Then we went home to change and get cleaned up after our morning rush to the shorts program. We spent the rest of the day seeing movies and meeting up with people. We saw the Documentary Shorts Program as well. Those were also very good!

Then we had dinner with our condo mates in the next condo over. It was really good food. Pasta, salad, garlic bread and awesome chocolate chip cookies!

Then we saw the film Benavides Born. It was REALLY good! We both liked it. It was about a poor girl in a hispanic family in a small town in Southern Texas who is accepted into a university but needs a scholarship to go. She tries for a weightlifting scholarship. Apparently in Southern Texas female power lifting is a big thing. Who knew?

The next morning we headed out to the Meet the Documentary Funders Event. That is always a really neat thing. You get to meet the producers and funders for Documentary Channels like Sundance, HBO,PBS and other production companies. We talked to some really great people. It was a successful event for us I think.

Then it was on to check out the Sundance Channel Headquarters House. It was REALLY neat. It was sponsored by the Comsmopolitan Hotel in Vegas. There was a bar, a coffee house, a computer room, a photo booth room, a milk and cookies room and a shoe polishing room! While we were there we saw Kevin Spacey, Simon Baker and Stanley Tucci. We also took photos, had a cocktail, and a cookie.

Then we rushed over to a networking party for bloggers thrown by Doddle. This is a description of them from their twitter page @doddleme "The industry's first mobile international production guide, digital call sheets & more http://www.doddleme.com" It was a great party! We met some awesome people including the writer of a children's book called "I Love You More". Everyone involved in Doddle was really cool and nice. We really enjoyed meeting them and learning about their awesome new site.

Then it was on to see the documentary "Resurrect Dead: The Mystery of the Toynbee Tiles". It was REALLY interesting! It's about these tiles that have been mysteriously appearing all around the world with cryptic messages on them. It was fascinating.

Then it was home to get ready to meet my friend Art at the Montage Hotel. It is simply stunning. We had a nice drive up the mountain to get there and our driver told us all about the silver mining history of the area. The hotel is huge and gorgeous of course. We had dinner at their restaurant "Apex". It was SO good. And we had a wonderful wine with dinner. It was a lovely time. We got to catch up with Art and enjoy a lovely fancy meal. Rob Lowe was sitting a couple tables over. When he left he smiled at me. ;-)

Then it was home and back into the hot tub for one last soak! We hung out with our condo mates and new friends Carrie and Evan. It was a nice way to end the evening!

The next morning we packed up, checked out and headed to our last movie. We made a pit stop to get a photo with the Banksy Street Art that is on Main Street.

Then we saw the movie "Here". It was really well acted and beautifully shot, but at times it got a little artsy for artsy's sake and it dragged a bit at those times. Overall we liked it.

Then we checked out the New Frontier very quickly before heading to catch our shuttle to the airport. The shuttle driver was not good and nearly made us late for our flight. It was chaos. That's all I'll say. But we did make it just barely so, that's good. It's very nice to be home. :)

Sundancing

2011-01-19T11:48:00.001-08:00

Today we start to pack and get ready for our annual trip to Sundance. Today I need to get the house ready for the house sitter, start picking our warm yet cute outfits to wear and go to the store for food supplies for Frankie and for a new camera and new boots.

Every year I search for the best boots. I've yet to find a really awesome pair of boots the last few years we've gone. I love boots. I'm a "boot girl". That Jet song that goes "Big black boots, long dark hair..." that's me. ;-) But for the last few years I've only had stiletto fancy pants boots, not the cute kinda funky, kinda tough, maybe even horse back riding or cowboy looking boots. And I need those. In the past they were a wardrobe staple. But for the past few years the one's I love are either way out of my budget or just plain uncomfortable or just way too cheaply made to last even a season. So the search continues.

Anyway, as I was saying, I have a lot to do today. I also need to try and get my car in for an oil change. Then I have rehearsal tonight.

Sundance is always a good thing for us. This year we're going to see about getting additional funding for the documentary we've been working on, as well as meeting new people, seeing some good films and going to some parties. The parties at Sundance are always a good time. We're going to at least a few.

We're seeing 2 Feature Films, 1 Documentary and a Shorts Program, an "Ingenous Shorts" Program and a Documentary Shorts Program. I'm pretty excited about this, actually. In Past Years we've been lucky enough to get Credentials and 10 movie tickets for each of us and tickets to either the opening night party or closing night party for free. This was the first year we had to purchase our own credentials and tickets. It's WAY more expensive to do Sundance when you have to purchase everything yourself and there was no way we were getting to go to the opening or closing parties this time. But in a way it's good because we always got the credentials as a very generous favor that came from a Speaker Company that we had ties to, so the credentials were always in that company's name. Now, we have credentials with our information on them. And out of our 17 films that we wanted to see, ended up with tickets to only one of them. BUT I've always wanted to try and see a shorts program or two and the other 2 films that we are seeing are supposed to be very good, so, I think in the end we did alright.

We'll also have a lot more time to meet up with friends and attend some of the really interesting, informative and inspirational panels. So, I think this is going to be a good trip. We have the first few days without any place that we HAVE to be so, we can just sort of relax, enjoy the hot tub at the condo, do some networking and get some work done on the documentary (we'll be doing interviews while we're there). Then the parties start up and the films we have tickets for are all within a 3 day span. The day before we leave to come back home, we are attending the "Meet the Funders" event where we get to speak with different funders of documentaries and pitch ours. Then on the last day we see our last film and then head to the airport.

It should be a good trip. I'm looking forward to it. Well, I better get going. I have 6 hours to get everything done.

Advocacy, Quotes & Personal Responsibility

2011-01-17T15:13:00.000-08:00

Oh my oh my! What a day. It's hard to be an advocate for something that you REALLY care about. I often feel like Sisyphus pushing that rock up the mountain and feeling like I am done as I reach the top only to find that once again I am at the bottom starting over again.

I am exhausted from having to educate, explain and teach people about the two causes I am always fighting about. Pit Bulls. Body Image. The media's role in both. People's responsibility in both. They should be such easy concepts to grasp: Personal Responsibility. Punishing those that do wrong, and leaving the innocent to live their lives. Not making crazy generalizations on knee jerk reactions of fear and guilt. Working hard to make people feel GOOD about themselves instead of constantly lacking and needing. Treating animals humanely. Learning about a pet before you get one. I'm so sick of people not taking responsibility for things. For always looking for a scapegoat. Why does the blame always lie outside of yourself?

Actually, as much as I HATE the media sometimes, my advocacy has taught me that we as people LET the media do this. We LET them get away with horrible "ratings based" coverage that is biased and sensationalized. We LET them get to us and fool us into thinking that we are not good enough as we are when presented with image after image of unattainable and often just plain "false" beauty. The more we buy into it, the more they will sell it. It's a vicious circle, much like those kiddie carousel things at playgrounds that just go round and round until you get sick. So, at some point, we need to stick our collective feet out and grind that thing to a halt so we can shake the dizzy confusion and see things as they really are.

It is time we take some responsibility for the bad things in society and in the world around us. Every time we say "Well I knew/saw on tv about/heard about from a friend a pit bull/doberman/black man/hispanic man who hurt/robbed/killed someone so really,you can't trust ANY of them- they're all bad, dogs/people/race" we are making a stupid generalization and punishing thousands of innocent beings for no reason. We are deflecting from the REAL problems in the world because it's scary to think about the REAL causes behind any violent behavior.

Every time we say "I need to lose 5/10/15/20 pounds or change my appearance in some way before I can go to the beach/look sexy enough to get a boyfriend/be valued at my job" we are devaluing ourselves and adding to the misery in a world over full with misery about REAL, HORRIFIC issues.

Lets STOP with all the scapegoats and all the horrible biases. Lets treat every individual as an individual. Let's punish the guilty and stand up for the innocent. Let's realize how amazing we as humans can be. All of the GREAT things we are capable of. Let's appreciate how beautiful and amazing we all are. And let's all take responsibility for the state of the world and ask how we can help to make it a better place.

I'll start with this bit of advice:
"For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others." ~Audrey Hepburn

It's hard to love the world, when you hate yourself. ~Well, this one was just me. :)

And I'll add in these:

You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty. ~Mahatma Gandhi

The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. ~Mahatma Gandhi

It is wonderful how much time good people spend fighting the devil. If they would only expend the same amount of energy loving their fellow men, the devil would die in his own tracks of ennui. ~Helen Keller (By the way, her beloved dog, the dog of a deaf and blind child, was a Pit Bull. You can look it up.)

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
- Mark Twain

Fail to Plan, Plan to Fail

2011-01-12T14:04:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was a lesson in that old adage "When you Fail to Plan, you Plan to Fail" in terms of my goals. I had planned on getting some cleaning and laundry done, going to the grocery store and getting in a good workout as well as getting some work done and going over my script for the play. Hmmm. That didn't quite happen. But first, just a quick little tid bit on what my goals for the month are:

My goals for this month of January are as follows:

~Get in an average of at least 10,000 steps a day. This means I can do more or less on days but as long as it evens out to at least 10,000 a day, I reached the goal.
~Learn my Cockney Accent for my show
~Work out (exercise aside from the daily dog walks)at least 3 times a week. I used to have a goal of 5 times a week, but I found that when we moved and Frankie needed long daily walks, it was hard to fit that in. So, I adjusted accordingly.
~Try to update my profile on casting sites and actually submit myself for more acting gigs.

I've done ok with these goals for the first week. But yesterday I feel just a little bit off track. Not to worry, it's not a big deal and I know I'll get back on track, but still, yesterday bugged me.

It started out because I overslept. Then I woke up and was bombarded with awful news both for me personally in terms of my own causes and just in the world in general. So, I was kind of a bit off track from the get go and instead of doing all the things I normally do in a day I got caught up in some time consuming and overall somewhat depressing activism, as you saw in yesterday's blog. I also had some work to do and I got that done as well- mostly just a lot of typing. Anyway, I was upset about the random awful Shootings in Arizona, The proposed Texas Pit Bull Ban and my own feeling of not doing enough in life. I got so caught up in everything that I ended up on the computer all morning and part of the afternoon instead of getting my other stuff done for the day that I had planned to do. That was mistake number 1. Getting stuck on the computer looking at depressing facts and figures and typing away.

I left the house at 3:00 pm to run some errands with the dog in tow but I hadn't eaten lunch yet. That was mistake number 2. I really should've eaten something before leaving so I didn't end up STARVING later. I stopped at my parents house for a bit and munched on some trail mix. Then I went home. By then, it was cold and dark so the walk I had planned for me and Frankie seemed less appealing. I was also ravenously hungry so I decided to distract him with his food so I could just really quickly catch up on some emails while I had a quick "snack". That was mistake number 3. I should have just gone on the damn walk.

Since I was ravenous I ended up snacking through my entire dinner and by the time I was done it was almost 8:30 and Curtis was about to come home and I just really didn't want to walk and since Frankie had time in parents yard I figured he could survive a day without a walk.

SO..... this was my food intake for the day. Nothing especially unhealthy or bad, but, uh.... it's not what I had planned.

Mid morning: Kashi Go Lean Crunch Cereal with Almond Milk. coffee.
1 pm small corn on the cobb
4:30 pm Trail mix with nuts and dried berries and cherries.
6 pm carrots and hummus and another small corn on the cob.
6:30 small portion of Curtis' leftover gnocchi (potato dumplings) with a mushroom sauce
7 pm entire can of peas. (I don't think I've done that since high school- I really like canned peas)
9 pm. Curtis came home. He made spaghetti. So, I also had some Spaghetti. Not a lot. I just picked at the pasta as he was making the sauce.

Then I ended the night with some Trader Joes Dark Chocolate with Whole Hazelnuts. We also ended up taking Frankie on a late evening walk but it was just a short one so that he could relieve himself before bed, not really much in the way of exercise for any of us.

I actually am glad I wrote this out. Seeing it in print makes me realize that for an entire day this really isn't too bad. I feel like Bridget Jones now. "One portion Una Alconberry's trifle cake". Hehehehe. :) But because I skipped lunch it felt like a LOT of food for dinner. But now that I realize it was actually "Lunner", I feel better. ;-)

In any case I did not make my goal of reaching 10,000 steps for the day. Partly because I forgot to wear my pedometer and also because I sat around most of the day either in front of the computer or in the car. I was going to do some cardio in the form of Wii Just Dance 2 Just Sweat but I didn't make that goal either. (Seriously, if you do it long enough on the songs with challenging routines, it's quite a workout!)

So although I am glad that I stood up for Pit Bulls, I am sad that I was physically so very lazy.

That being said, these days happen. So, upward and onward! But unless I want a repeat of that today I really need to get going! Wii Just Sweat, Here I come! Then a dog walk, then a shower, then some work, then rehearsal.

This is my life now.

Happy New Year!

2011-01-12T09:00:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year All! I hope that you have enjoyed the first couple of days of 2011! I for one am looking forward to what this year brings!

We rang in the New Year in a bit of an unconventional way for our first New Year as a married couple. We took my nieces to see a matinee of the play "360 Productions Presents Peter Pan" which is the story of Peter Pan but not the more popular musical. This one is a play that is a bit truer to the book and it is presented in the round with these screens all the way around the tent that make up the backdrop in a way. So, when they fly, it feels like you are flying with them. It's really very, very cool! Very innovative. I know that I got goosebumps throughout the show because it was just so creatively done and it was as entertaining as it was inspiring on so many levels. I'd seen it with my friend Karen earlier in the month and when I got home raving about it Curtis decided he'd have liked to have seen it and I really wanted to take my nieces, so we decided that it would be part of their Christmas Present. So we went on New Year's Eve. They really enjoyed it. I loved looking at their little faces throughout the show, smiling, laughing, expectant and then clapping so intently at the end! Getting them hooked on theatre is one of my ambitions as their aunt. My Uncle Francis helped to develop my love of theatre and I would like to do the same for my nieces.

After the show, we went to lunch at Ruby's Diner. It was pretty cool they really enjoyed that too. Then we went back to our house to feed and walk Frankie. Frankie loves the girls so much! Then we went to look at some really cool Christmas lights near our house. And then back to my brother and sister in law's for dinner and hanging out. We left there at about 9:30 and then went back home where we bundled up for the 39 degree Fahrenheit weather and took Frankie on a walk down to "First Night" in Fullerton. It was a neat little festival. They blocked off a few streets and it seemed like a really cool thing. It was a bit loud for Frankie and lots of kids had those popper noise makers that you throw on the ground and Frankie didn't like that so, after a bit we just headed home where we cuddled on the couch and rang in New Year with a glass of champagne and Dick Clark's Rockin Eve on the tv.

It was a fun day and evening even tough it didn't involve any crazy partying. I guess we're older and mature now. A real old married couple. :)

My resolutions for 2011 and pretty simple:

~To Travel more. Curtis and I love to travel but we haven't been able to as much as we;d like. This year we'd like to get out and see more of the world. Both locally and far away in foreign lands. :) We'd really like to see our families and friends in other states. As well as visit the foreign places we love and together. We've both travelled to foreign countries a lot but never together. We'd like to do that.

~To Audition more. I haven't really done as much acting as I'd like. At the end of 2010 I got some new headshots done. I'd like to do more with those now. I've been doing more shows but I can do even more and also audition more for other projects like films, commercials and web projects and stuff. Curtis and I have more web projects we're planning on doing, but I'd like to do as much as possible.

~ To learn a new language. I've been trying to learn Italian for years. It's time I really put some time into that.

~To take more voice and dance lessons. I miss being able to sing and move well. I grew up taking voice and dance lessons and I miss it. Also, since I'd like to do more musicals, I'd better get to working on that again.

I am not resolving to lose weight, or to give up everything I like to eat. I just want to resolve to live my life in the fullest most rewarding ways possible. Everything else seems to fall into place when you feel happy and fulfilled. You know?

Reverb 9- Best Parties! With photos!

2011-01-11T21:00:00.000-08:00

Reverb Prompt 9 (Reverb is a challenge that was supposed to be one writing promt/challenge a day- to help both your writing and also to reflect upon and learn from your previous year while also manifesting things you'd like for 2011-but I didn't do that in time. So I am taking my time going through them but they will all be done by the end of January.)

December 9 – Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans. (Author: Shauna Reid)

That's tough because this year was full of fun social gatherings! And you know me, I can not just pick one of anything. Most were due to the wedding so..... I have to say that my engagement party, elopement and wedding were my favorite parties! The engagement party was awesome. We had just our immediate families and the wedding party there. There were about 26 people. I loved my dress, I loved having it at Karen's house with the dogs, I loved the food, the music, the people, and the fun. It was just a really fun night. Karen went above and beyond with her decorating skills. From the purple chandelier with flower light bulb covers, to the awesome photo wall and the amazing silhouettes of us! My friend Julie made adorable favors for everyone with photo save the date magnets of Curtis and I tucked into little Chinese food containers with hand dipped chocolate covered fortune cookies in purple. My mother made lasagna, salad and adorable cupcakes with rings on them and purple and green wrappers. Curtis' Mom and sister went overboard with appetizers that included a whole Italian anti pasta tray with olives, peppercinis, meats, an assortment of cheese, bread sticks, marinated mushrooms, and other stuff I can't even remember because there was so much! She also brought chocolate covered strawberries! Delish!

The elopement was such a magical day. Because it wasn't as stressful as the wedding I was really able to feel a LOT of different emotions leading up to it, but I also felt very relaxed and not at all stressed. I absolutely loved making my flower arrangements with Karen and Mark the night before. I loved how she put together my bouquet! I loved that some friends and immediate family were willing and able to come out to Temecula on a Monday to see us tie the knot at the winery that we had fallen in love with but couldn't afford for a "real wedding"(though we didn't sign our license there and waited to make it "legal" in October) and everyone got along and there was no drama. It was lovely! I also loved having our old friend Gregory Hayes come out to take the photos for us. Greg took such amazing photos. Some of the shots look like advertisements. He is THAT good. He captured so many awesome candid shots of our closest friends and family. It was exactly what it was supposed to be: A Day that was honestly just about Me and Curtis. It was relaxed. It was fun. It was lovely. We all had some good wine and a nice lunch at the restaurant. It was delicious. I had a southwestern chipotle pasta (divine!) and Curtis had Lobster Ravioli. Both were soooo good. I'm sure I must have started with a salad as well because I always do. They have very nice salads there. We ended with a chocolate lava cake that I don't think we were able to finish. But it was sooooo good.

The Wedding was also just wonderful. It was a bit more stressful because it involved so many other people and planning, but still it was lovely and everyone had a GREAT time. I started the day on my own with a walk/jog with Frankie. Then some Yoga with Brooke. Then breakfast of cinnamon rolls and coffee with Curtis and Brooke. I also had a ton of cucumber. Cucumber helps to de-bloat you so I'd been eating it for 2 days straight. Then it was off to my parents house to get ready. Our hair stylist Michelle came to the house to do my hair. Then it was make-up and dress time. Things started to get hectic as more and more people arrived but everyone seemed to be having a good time. We took some photos at my parents house and had some cocktails made with almond champagne and chocolate port that we brought back from Temecula. It was soooo good.

Then we headed to the ceremony and reception site. We took a bunch of photos before hand which was REALLY fun because they were fun photos with our awesome wedding party and of course, Frankie the wonder dog! And then it was a rush to the ceremony. Curtis and I both forgot to bring our vows and realized it at the same time. That was a cute moment. Our wedding party and families looked divine. We had very cute off the cuff vows. We took more photos and then the Best Man and Maid of Honor made their toasts. They both did SO very well! Both speeches were funny and heartfelt and sweet and poignant.

Then we ate! Delicious Mexican food! Enchiladas, tacos, nachos, salsa, beans and rice and CHEESE! Oh it was so good. Everyone complimented us on the food. We had an absolutely GORGEOUS cake. It was covered in real flowers that matched my bouquet. Orchid, hydrangeas and roses. All my favorites! It was stunning. It was a spiced carrot cake with Cream cheese filling and a butter cream icing. We also had a grooms cake that had Iron Man on it and was chocolate marble with a butter cream icing. Both were quite tasty! There were also some Mexican desserts but I didn't really get to try those that night. But I heard they were good!

Then we danced the night away to the sounds of our friends and their band 7K! They rocked the wedding! At the end of the night it started to rain a bit. Lightly at first and then heavier. It was okay because things were over by then, and it was nice to end with rain for us since it does mean good luck for the bride and groom yet it happened late enough that it didn't ruin the wedding though my dress did get SOAKED and filthy by the time I changed to go home. It was not so nice for the band to deal with who had to pack up and protect band equipment while dealing with rain. But they were troopers and as far as I know nothing of theirs was ruined so, that's good.

Those are my 3 favorite parties of the year. :) I am so lucky to have such amazing family and friends who made it all so wonderful for us. The wedding planning was super stressful and I hated the process, but I LOVED the results and I love how much support and help that we got from everyone. We are truly lucky people and we are extra lucky to have had 3 very awesome parties to write about. :)

A Good Video- The History of Pit Bulls

2011-01-11T18:59:00.000-08:00

Curtis already posted this, but, in case you didn't see it there, here it is again.

Dear Texas, Please Don't Ban or Hate My Dog.

2011-01-11T13:24:00.001-08:00

I just spent an hour composing the following message to Governor Perry of Texas about a Proposed State Wide Pit Bull Ban:

Respected Governor Perry,

I am writing to you in regards to the proposed ban on Pit Bulls in Texas.
I do not live in Texas, but this issue is very important to me and many
others and so, I hope that you will read and consider what I have to say.
I understnad that you are very busy, and this is a long email, so if you
don't have time to read the whole thing please at least read this article
about the Denver Pit Bull Ban. And if possible please check out the links
I have included. I understand that you are busy but this is such an
important issue for both human and animal well being.

http://www.westword.com/2009-09-24/news/for-two-decades-pit-bulls-have-been-public-enemy-1-in-denver-but-maybe-it-s-time-for-a-recount/

I am the proud owner of my second pit bull. Both of my pit bulls were the
best dogs I could have asked for. My current dog is one of the very best
things in my life. He is the sweetest dog I have ever owned. He has
absolutely no agression to people, children, or other animals. He is a
patient little love bug. Some might even say he's a scaredy cat. He avoids
conflict at all costs and just wants to lick and cuddle with you. I would
be beyond heart broken if I had to give him up or be put down as would
everyone who knows him. He is beloved by my two nieces who have grown up
around him. He is such a huge and loved part of the whole family. I have
pictures of them together posted her on a blog of mine.

http://renesrevolution.blogspot.com/2009/10/pitbull-awareness-day-tribute.html

Pit bulls have a long and varied history in our wonderful country's past.
During World War I and WWII these dogs were considered mascots of the
military and were considered heros. The first dog to receive a medal of
honor was a pit bull. Petey, the dog made famous in The Little Rascals
movies, was a pit bull. The RCA dog, Helen Keller's seeing eye dog and
Theodore Rosevelt's dog were all pit bulls. Earlier in the Century they
were often called "Nanny dogs" because they were so patient and protective
with children. Unfortunately that image was shattered when drug dealers
and awful, horrible people started to fight them often turing out former
fighting dogs, who had been abused into the public once they had worn out
their use as a fighting dog.

However, the fact is, that although there are some pit bulls who have
attacked there are even more pit bulls who work as amazing drug sniffing
dogs, therapy dogs and are beloved family pets.

The idea that these dogs are inherently bad, can "snap" and go crazy for
no reason, or have a "locking jaw" are all myths. If you do the research
on these things with people who are knowledgable about dogs and dog
behaviors you will find these to be myths propagated out of fear and
misunderstanding.

I always feel terribly sad at the mauling or death of any person by any
dog. I can't fathom the amount of pain a mother who lost her child in any
way, must go through. I understand that the mother who lost Justin is in
pain and wants to prevent other tragedies. But Pit Bulls are not the only
dogs capable of mauling. So, when would these laws stop? What breed would
become targeted next? Tragedies are awful, but there is no way to make the
world perfectly safe. And banning one breed will not mean that no child
ever gets bitten, attacked or mauled again. A breed ban in response to a
tragedy seems to be a knee jerk reaction to fear and sadness. I can
understand the fear and sadness but the fact is, these laws don't work to
keep people any safer. The problems are just not the breed, but the people
around them. Human beings and the cruelty they inflict on many other
creatures from animals to other human beings are the root of just about
every problem on earth. So, banning innocent creatures because some humans
don't treat them humanely and with love seems unbelievably unfair.

People need to be educated on how to properly raise, treat and handle a
dog to properly socialize it. For example, any dog left out in a yard all
the time without human interaction, especially if tied up or chained, is
more likely to become very territorial and aggressive. It is a known fact
of any animal behaviorist. May I suggest anti- chaining laws? Better
enforcement of dog welfare laws and any existing leash laws often are
better ways to deal with the problem. Many dog attacks occur from dogs
that have spent most of their life chained up in a yard without human
interaction.

Portland Oregon has a wonderful way to deal with "dangerous dogs" that has
been much more successful than the Denver Pit Bull Ban. The following is
from an article on the Denver Ban. I've attached a link to the whole
article, which I believe any legislator considering one of these bans
should read at the end of this email.

"Could Denver find a better way of identifying dangerous dogs? Portland,
Oregon, a city of similar size, was also the site of a pit bull attack in
1986 that resulted in the death of a child: a five-year-old boy who was
fatally mauled in suburban Multinomah County. Like Denver, Portland became
embroiled in a debate over how to deal with vicious breeds. Unlike Denver,
Portland convened a task force of veterinarians, health officials, animal
behaviorists and animal-control officers to study potential animal-control
ordinances. Rather than slap a ban on a single breed, the commission
recommended that the law be adjusted to allow animal-control officers to
take action against the owner of a dog that was displaying certain
aggressive behaviors and label the animal a "potentially dangerous dog"
before it caused serious injury to a human. As a result, Portland created
a model with five levels of severity, starting with any dog, running
loose, that "menaces, chases, displays threatening or aggressive
behaviors" against a human or other animal. Each level involves potential
for a greater punitive action against the owner, as well as certain
requirements for the dog. At the highest level, reserved for a dog that's
caused serious injury to a person, the animal is to be euthanized, and
officials have the additional option of suspending the owner's right to
possess a dog.

Portland's law was put into effect in 1986. Five years later, a study
found that Portland had classified 1,652 dogs as potentially dangerous.
The breed with the most such classifications was the German Shepherd,
followed by the pit bull, then the Labrador Retriever and the Doberman. If
Portland had simply banned pit bulls after the killing of a child, it
might have missed the aggressive German Shepherds. More significant, it
might have punished good owners (and dogs) for the sins of the bad. The
program also reduced the amount of repeat biters by 257 percent."

Which brings me to my next point, the Labrador Retriever was right behind
the Pit Bull in their list of possibly dangerous dogs. Labs are considered
a family dog throughout America, but their size makes them potentially
dangerous. The media isn't interested in villanizing Labs though. You
rarely hear of lab attacks but they do happen, but the media likes to
focus on the pit bulls. In Northern California, there were two vicious dog
attacks within about a week of each other. One involved two loose dogs.
They only caught one and it was a "Pit Bull Type" dog. It made national
news. The other attack, just as serious, involved two chocolate labs. That
attack made just one local news story. The woman who had the first face
transplant in France was attacked by her dog. The breed? A Lab. But Labs
apparently don't warrant hate and fear. So they rarely get reported on.

ANY dog can become or be made into a "loaded gun". To make societies safer
we need to focus on teaching people to be responsible, kind and loving pet
owners and also teaching cildren in school basic pet safety and how to
deal with animals and what to do if they become the target of a dangerous
dog. It won't stop all tragedies, but it will help to make the occurences
less.

The more pit bulls are villainized, the more the wrong kind of people want
them and make them into mean, aggressive dogs. And bad people don't follow
or care about laws. These laws tend to really, only hurt innocent, law
abiding people and their well behaved and well socialized dogs.

In closing, I would like to point out that Denver's Ban hasn't helped to
curb dog bite hospitalizations. Please refer to the following two links
for more information on this very misunderstood and mistreated breed.

The first link is about the Denver Ban and how it hasn't really worked out
and has punished many innocent people and their beloved and innocent dogs.

http://www.westword.com/2009-09-24/news/for-two-decades-pit-bulls-have-been-public-enemy-1-in-denver-but-maybe-it-s-time-for-a-recount/1/

The other link is to a site that has some often unknown facts and
statistics about this breed.

www.dontbullymybreed.com

Sincerely,

Rene Bordelon

Reverb Prompts 6-8

2010-12-29T13:18:00.000-08:00

Okay, back to the Reverb Challenge.

Prompt 6

December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? (Author: Gretchen Rubin)

The last thing that I made creatively speaking is not done. I am working on the wedding albums. One big one for me and Curtis and several smaller ones for our parents and other family members and friends. It has been a long work in progress. I am making them online from a company called "Blurb". They are pretty awesome. You can make any book you like and publish it from there if you like. So, with luck and effort our wedding albums will look like professional photo books. A coffee table book of our elopement and wedding! I'm very excited to see the finished project.

There are other things I would like to make. I'd like to crochet again. I learned to crochet as a kid but I haven't done it in years. I'd like to make blankets and scarves and maybe a hat or two. It would give me something to do while watching tv or movies with Curtis so that I would feel productive even during that down time.

Prompt 7
December 7 – Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? (Author: Cali Harris)

I have found a sense of community in the shows that I have done this year and in the making of my first film, the documentary that we are working on. I really love my fellow actors/writers and other creative friends. I think it is important to surround yourself with people that are happy and doing what they love because that encourages you to do the same. So, that being said not all actors are great to hang out with since not all are happy or really doing what they love. I feel like in this last year we have strengthened and created friendships with a lot of the right people for us. I feel inspired and driven by the amazing, talented and creative friends that we have.

I would like to become even more involved in the creative process of the projects that Curtis and I are working on. I would love to break into professional theatre circles in some way as doing professional theatre is one of my biggest dreams.

Prompt 8
December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Author: Karen Walrond)

Hmmm. This is a good one for me. There are a lot of things that make me different. I am not really "girly" in most ways yet I am girly enough in others. Curtis recently pointed out that I tend to view relationships in a "non-girly" way and almost as someone who has already gone through a divorce in that I see past the flowery, romance and rainbows part and know that for a long term relationship to last it has to be built on a great friendship and partnership. I'm not sure how I got to that without being married and divorced before but he's right. But I've noticed that a lot of people don't really understand that and continue to seek out people that are not really good or right for them in the long haul because of things like looks, status, money or straight up lust. But none of that makes for a great lifetime partner. Though none of those are bad, it's just that they aren't the most important things to look for in a lifetime mate.

I also tend to sing and dance around the house for no real reason often just making up songs or dance moves as I go. Curtis loves this because he likes stuff like that but also because it is me at my absolute happiest and feeling free. I am also very emotional and wear my heart on my sleeve. Sometimes people hate this quality, but it works out really well when I am acting or when someone needs a shoulder to cry on or compassion. Because I wear my emotions so close to the skin, I am also really honest about what I am feeling. If something is bothering me I want to talk about it and either get to the root of it so we can be done with it, or just work it out. There are many people who are NOT like this and prefer to just ignore feelings and keep things to themselves. These people tend to hate that I am like I am until someone else is dishonest with them or avoids dealing with a problem. THEN they tend to appreciate my honesty and willingness to deal with issues rather than running away and hiding. These things make me different for better or for worse I suppose.

In terms of my looks I find that I am a mish mash of contradictions. I am short but often "petite" or "short" length pants are just a tad too short. Meaning everything is usually hemmed or just stays a little too long for me. I am not "naturally skinny" but neither am I obese. I am "normal" sized I guess and yet below average in American women clothing sizes. I am somewhat round in face, booty and thighs, yet straight through my waist and hips. A weird curvy/straight combo that makes it almost impossible for any women's magazine article on "dressing for your shape" to ever really work for me without modifications. Not really "boyish" though I don't really have hips, yet not really hour glass curvy even though I have ample boobs, butt and thighs. I am muscular and strong yet soft and comforting and cuddly.

But all these qualities are what makes me, me. I used to really pick them apart. But I'm trying more and more to just accept them. Curtis wishes that I could see me through other people's eyes. Recently I got new headshots done. This alone was a bit of an ordeal for me because generally when I take any photos for acting purposes I make sure I am in tip top shape and looking my absolute fittest and best. So, taking photos 2 days after Christmas after a month of feasting and parties and slacking on working out was not exactly ideal for me. But a friend was offering a special for December and I have been putting off taking them for literally years now, and I wanted to just do it already. So, I booked them despite some residual body image angst and fear. We got a preview of the photogs favorite 21 of them yesterday. They were GREAT! I really loved them. And on the bright side I won't ever fear that I don't look like the thinner girl in the photos at an audition. ;-) But I of course noticed how round my face is (something I've always hated) and how fleshy my arms looked instead of being toned. But I still thought that over all I looked pretty good. There comes a point in time where you just have to say "THIS is what I look like. This is what people see when they look at me. And they do not usually cringe or run away so this must be okay."

There is a full body shot in the shots. I immediately went to see how my thighs fared in this photo since they've been the bain of my existence for most of my life. I'm not gonna lie. I wasn't pleased. The rest of me looks ok. Not especially skinny, but not really heavy. But my thighs. Oh goodness my thighs. Part of this can be blamed on the pose. But part is just that yes, I have big, muscular thighs. Even at my skinniest they are still one of the biggest things about me and are bigger than what the media tells me they should be to be "good" legs. When I did gymnastics they were great. And once when I was still dancing a teacher said to the class "Rene has very muscular thighs and that makes her leaps and jumps quite powerful" I remember not knowing how to take that but it was one of the first times that someone had associated my ridiculous non "lithe" and therefore "non-dancer-y" body with a GOOD thing in terms of dance. Still though, it wasn't enough to make me immediately stop wishing that I looked more like the slight, thin, tiny boned prima ballerinas around me.

My thighs and general body type may have made me different in terms of the other dancers, and may still make me different in terms of other actresses today, but they are what I've got to work with. And in a lovely bit of irony, they are the things that Curtis loves about me most. Curtis loves circles. I am a weird conglomerate of circles. He loves my giant thighs, he loves my round face and cheeks, he loves my bubble butt, he even loves my weirdly shaped uneven boobs and my stretch marks. He thinks they look like tiger stripes and he thinks that's cool.

So, back to the full body length photo. After an initial cringe I went back to look at it again as someone other than me. How would I judge this person in the photo if it wasn't me? I would think that she looked cute and cuddly. Adorable even. Sexpot? No. Supermodel? Nope. Hollywood leading lady? Probably not though I would like to see more of those like her. Adorable girl next door? Yeah. Cute friend of leading lady that is also more likable and usually smarter than idiot leading lady in may films and shows? Yeah. The girl that gets some interesting character parts? Hopefully. And so, I don't cringe anymore when I see it. I don't zero n on my thighs. I just look at the overall pic and think "That's a cute girl. She looks nice. I bet she'd be fun to hang out and have some pasta and wine with." And that's pretty cool progress. :)

So, the things that make me different are the things that have brought me the best people in my life and the best love in my life. I don't hate the way I look anymore, but I can't say I am completely comfortable with it either. In my mind I still look a certain way that doesn't quite match what I see in mirrors or photos all the time. That's something I am still grappling with but I am coming to terms with the fact that yes, this is what I look like and it's not so bad after all. And after years of absolutely HATING how I look, I think that's pretty good progress.

For a look at those photos please visit the wonderfull talented Aaron Huniu's site here.

Wait... Was I supposed to be DOING something this month?

2010-12-29T12:47:00.000-08:00

Ooops. I have done very badly on the Reverb Writing Challenge. Sorry. It was an incredibly busy month for us. We had something going on almost everyday for about 10 days straight and then jumped into the actual holidays and shopping and wrapping, and then it rained for 7 days straight which made our adorable house spring several leaks that needed to be dealt with. And my nieces came to visit which was fun for all of us. Especially for Frankie. :) So, my apologies. We've been dealing with a lot. Then, for the past two days we just kind of collapsed in exhaustion.

BUT! I do have a lot I want to talk about.

First, because it's very fresh in my mind I would like to talk about Pit Bulls and the media one of my two causes in life. I just saw a case of blatant media bias against pitbulls so I thought I would mention it here. Once again there was a vicious dog attack by two dogs that were not pitbulls, rottweilers or any of the other "dangerous dog" breeds and once again it was barely mentioned in one local news outlet story. The two dogs in question were a "family dog favorite" 2 Chocolate Labs. Around the same time in the same area there was a similar attack involving two other dogs. One was unidentified and one was mentioned as a "pitbull type" dog. THAT story made NATIONAL news. Now, why any story about a dog attack should make National News is beyond me really. Dogs bite. Animals attack. That really shouldn't be national news. And if one dog attack that ends in hospitalization makes national news, then EVERY dog attack regardless of breed should make news. If people knew just how often other dog breeds attack or just plain bite, maybe they'd stop constantly acting like pitbulls, Rotts and Mastiffs are just plain evil. Because they are not. But they are dogs. They are dogs that are unfortunately often the victims of abuse and mistreatment and any dog that is not properly socialized (meaning kept as a family pet and treated as family and not just left in a garage or yard alone all the time or worse, chained up outside!) has the ability and often the tendency to become aggressive and mean and yes, dangerous. The article I read about these two dog attacks can be found here.

On a related note, on Christmas night, we came home just in time for the rain to start again. An hour or so later we were just starting to set up our new Wii to play "Just Dance" when I heard this awful howling/crying dog sound. Curtis and I went to investigate and found that the two dogs from across the street had gotten out of their yard and couldn't get back in and were crying on the front porch in the rain dripping wet and cold. Neither of the dogs is especially friendly to strangers. One is a white mutt who is very skittish and meek. The other is a chihuahua who growls and snaps when approached. Awesome. Well, we got some towels and grabbed them both up and took them inside our house and set them up in our bathroom with food, water and some warm blankets. In the process of this, Curtis got bit by the chihuahua twice. Once we gave them treats and food and dried them off a bit both dogs became much nicer and really warmed up to us. The chihuahua was just terrified and is apparently a fear biter. Now, the damage a chihuahua does is much less than the damage a bigger dog like a lab or pitbull can do. The difference is that Frankie doesn't bite. He is friendly with people he knows and with strangers that we meet. When other dogs scare him or get aggressive with him his response is to get away, not to engage with more aggression. He is proof that not all "pit bull type" of dogs are aggressive. He doesn't have an aggressive bone in his body. He met the visitor dogs that we had once they calmed down and the chihuahua stopped snapping and growling. He wanted to play. They didn't. So, eventually they went back into the bathroom until their owners got home.

Now, with that off my chest I am going to work on the Reverb Challenge as well as on some of the paperwork for the documentary. That is going quite well. We're doing research and setting up interviews. We have a meeting in LA tomorrow. Most of the time our days are spent at home hanging out in pajamas and writing and doing research on our laptops. It's not a bad life. Frankie also gets lots of walks. When it isn't raining. ;-)

Year End Review Reverb 10 Writing Challenge Part 1-5

2010-12-11T12:27:00.000-08:00

There's this thing I just found out about called Reverb10 that is supposed to help you reflect on this past year and manifest things for next year. I found it on some other bloggers' sites and I think I would like to do it. They give you a prompt everyday to write about something. It was supposed to start on December 1st so I am a bit behind but I can catch up. So.... the first prompt is:

December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)

Hmmm. For this year it would be CHANGE. Everything was constantly changing this year! We got engaged and then married and moved and I changed jobs and throughout all of that our plans and situations were constantly in flux. It was definitely rough at times but it all turned out for the best. I learned a LOT. And I grew a LOT. There has been so many changes in my outside life but also on me in the inside. This was a year of change for sure.

What would I like next year's word to be? Travel. I would like to finally go to at least some of the places that Curtis and I have been wanting to go to! Second runner up and closely related to that word is "success". If we have enough success in upcoming year we should be able to travel a bit more. I really, REALLY want us to be able to get some of our wanderlust out! And I want us to feel safe and secure due to our success. So, really any of those words will do: Travel, Success, Security.

Prompt 2 was:
December 2 – Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it? (Author: Leo Babauta)

Well, that's easy. I don't write everyday and that certainly doesn't contribute to my writing. In order to write well you need to write daily. Every writer seems to agree with this and yet I don't. I would like to, but I don't make it a priority. So, I think that in the new year I will try to keep a daily journal again to keep those juices flowing and to get better and improve. I write better on actual paper than I do online, so I think that may be easier to do. Though I would love to blog on here much more than I do as well. I can eliminate this block and I will! I will write more! I will!

Prompt 3:
December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)

Hmmm. Being in the moment and really feeling the moment and focusing on that moment alone is difficult for me. As an actor, it's an important skill for sure. So, it's worth getting better at and trying to do more often in my day to day life. I tend to have an ongoing chatter in my head about things that makes it hard for me to just be in a singular moment and not be fretting about the past or future in some way. That being said, I think the times I felt most alive were not the BIG moments you may think. The night we got engaged, the wedding.... those were all nice and wonderful but they were so surreal in ways and overwhelming that it was hard to stay as present as I would have liked to have been during those times.

The moments I felt most alive were probably when I was on stage performing. Because you really HAVE to focus on the moment when you are on stage. I remember smelling the make up and fake blood during "Zombie Love" when I had scenes with Curtis. There was a distinct smell that they make up they used smelled like. Kind of sweet and plastic all at once. And I was always so nervous to forget my lines but as soon as I stepped on stage and it was just me and Curtis, I was free from that fear. I remember how bright the spotlights were, something I hadn't really had to deal with in AGES, and also how good it felt at the end of the performance when the audience was clapping and really seemed to like our show! I also remember feeling very alive right after my scene in the show "Jake's Women" the first time the audience clapped me off at the end of my scene- MAN that was awesome. I felt like Sally Field saying "You like me. You really LIKE me." It was exhilrating.

Of course, I also felt very alive and aware of everything the day of our semi-elopement. Because I wasn't worried so much about everyone else, like I was for the actual wedding, I was able to just be me for the most part. I remember that it was so hot I felt like we were in an oven. But I also remember the smell of the cypress tree arches that I walked under on the way to the ceremony with my dad. The music I had picked out to walk down the aisle to was playing softly but I could just barely hear it and it made me so happy. I remember noticing how pretty the flower arrangements looked when I saw them on the pedestals the first time and how grateful I felt for my friends Karen and Mark for helping me with those. I remember the smell of the rose petals my friends had strewn down the aisle for me as a surprise and how when I saw the arrangements and the aisle I nearly started crying with how amazing it all was and how lucky I was to have such great friends and family. I remember seeing how hot Frankie was and marvelling at how well behaved he was. I remember seeing Curtis's face and how nervous he was. After the ceremony we had so much fun taking photos in the vines and stuff. I remember the smell of the vinyards. It was musty and sweet. My feet were grainy with the dirt. I remember the relief I had when I changed into a cooler sundress and out of my gown and how I felt like a new person and how awesome the coolness of the air conditioning felt on my skin. It was a really wonderful, simple, fun day with our families and friends.

I also felt very alive during the ceremony of our actual wedding when I was up there all smiles and nervousness and then I realized I forgot my vows and made a face and Curtis looked at me and squeezed my hand and whispered "You forgot yours too?" :) Yup. That was a pretty clear moment. I felt so scared when I realized I had left my hand written and totally not memorized vows at home and then so relieved when Curtis said he'd also forgotten his. Then I felt like we were just so perfect for each other and I was just so excited and I relaxed because well, we were both gonna just have to wing it and talk to each other. We were in it together and that's a great feeling to have during a wedding ceremony. There was a certain amount of freedom in not having our pre-written vows. It became a very special moment in what was essentially a blur of a day and night. It taught me that life really isn't about the planned out things, but about the little surprises that catch you off guard.

Prompt 4 was:

December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)

This year I cultivated a sense of wonder by just living life more. I jumped into new opportunities and I did two shows and I challenged myself to see if I could do things and as it turned out, I could! I spent time just trying to notice things around me more instead of just rushing through my days all the time. This year was very stressful and rushed and so on some days I made it a point to just people watch more and really LOOK at my neighborhood and notice the flowers and stuff like that. A lot of that actually comes from just observing and spending more time with my dog. Frankie needs several walks a day now and he notices EVERYTHING when we are out. A new flower on a bush, a plane overhead, the people walking by, the leaves falling from the trees. He is very observant for a dog and he certainly makes me wonder about things more because HE wonders about things more. He literally stops to smell the flowers.

Prompt 5:

December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)

Hmmm. Well, this one is tough. There is a lot I SHOULD let go of. But I don't think I can honestly say that I have. But I have been working on letting go of trying to make everyone happy and I have been working on trying to let go of bad habits like expecting perfection out of myself. I have definitely let go of my day job and that took some courage and faith in my self that I didn't have before so, that was a big step. I also let go of my scale. When we moved I meant to take my scale but then I just didn't and so I have been without a scale for nearly 4 months. It's been weird but good. There were times around the wedding when I knew I'd lost weight and I was curious to weigh myself but I didn't have a scale so I didn't. So, now I have no idea how much I weighed at my wedding which means I can never strive to be my "wedding weight" which is somewhat freeing in itself.

In a way I do wish I knew how much I weighed on that day but in the end, I find it really doesn't matter. Not having a scale eliminated the need to focus on the numbers on it. I don't know what I weigh, I have to go by how my clothes fit, how I feel in my skin, what I see in the mirror and what compliments or comments I receive. It's kind of freeing to just be me and not feel the need to relate what that might mean depending on the number on the scale in the morning.

I don't know if I will never get a scale again or not. I think eventually I will want one again but for now I am really okay without it which is a big step because before if I didn't have the ability to hop on the scale every morning I feared I would lose track of things and just blow up or something. But I have learned to let go of that need to track things like that. I also have re-evaluated and let go of some previous notions of friendship. I let go of certain expectations and have realized that friendship isn't a static thing. It's fluid. It ebbs and flows just like any relationship really. You have your good times and some bad times and sometimes you are very close and your life paths are very intertwined, and then at other times you find yourself on a slightly different course and you don't feel quite as close and you drift a bit. But it doesn't mean you won't eventually drift back. I find that we find the friends who are good for us and who we need at that time in our lives and maybe they'll end up being around for the long haul and maybe they are just there for a while, but that's okay too.

Well, those are the first 5 prompts. I'll write more later. I'm already really enjoying this. You should all check it out! It's kind of neat to reflect back on things.

A Great Quote and Big News!

2010-11-13T12:14:00.000-08:00

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." ~ Bill Cosby

This quote is awesome. I wish I remembered it more often in my dealings with friends and family. I could avoid so many problems if only I always kept that in mind. It is a hard lesson learned at times but really, it is honestly an almost impossible goal to please everybody all the time. You just can't. Hindsight is 20/20 and looking back I really wish I would have heeded this genius advice at many points in my life. You can't always make other people happy and trying to will only make you unhappy.

In other news, I put in my two weeks notice at my job. It was nerve wracking yet exhilarating. I feel like I am finally taking some risks to pursue what I truly want out of life and it's scary for someone who is a constant worrier and who has lived in fear for so long.

So, taking this small, calculated risk in order to start on the first step of a stairway that leads to a career and life I love, is a big deal for me. I let go of the side of the pool to swim in the deep end. And I like it. Hooray!

So Many New Things!

2010-11-06T09:35:00.000-07:00

New Year's Eve 2009/2010 just before midnight

New Year's Eve just AFTER midnight

Sign from my show "Jake's Women" at the Costa Mesa Theatre

The Surprise Proposal at The Maverick Theatre

Temecula Elopement!

New House with Adorable Pink Stove!

"Zombie Love" World Premiere new musical at The Maverick Theatre!

Awesome Wedding!

Wow! What a year it's been! When I started 2010 I was in a relationship but still "single" in terms of anything legal, I was unemployed and staying with my parents, and I had only been in one show in the last 13 years!

Now, since February I have:

~Been in TWO shows, one play and one world premiere of a new musical!
~Gotten engaged!
~Got a new job! (I don't particularly care for it, but it was a job after 14 months of unemployment!)
~Planned a wedding.
~Cancelled a wedding due to lack of funds.
~Planned an elopement.
~Put the wedding back "on"
~Still had he awesome elopement!
~Continued Planning the wedding
~Moved into our own little house!
~Rehearsed and performed in a show right up until the night before the wedding.
~Was cast in another show to start rehearsing in January!
~Had an AMAZING Wedding.
~Closed our awesome little show.
~And now.... Curtis and I just got signed on with our friend Zeke to work on a new project!!! I don't know yet what I can say about it but we are all VERY excited! This does mean I'll have to leave my other job, but, that's okay by me because this new project pays better and allows me to work from home with Curtis and the dog!

It's been a whirlwind of a year! I can't quite believe it actually. SOOOOO many changes and new things!

It's an odd sensation to finally be paid to do something I really love and am passionate about. Curtis and I have come awfully close to getting deals like this in the past. And we'd get very excited and start planning out all the stuff we were gonna do and then the bottom would just fall out. So, when this deal was being talked about I refused to get excited. Then we got to the point where the bottom usually falls out and it didn't. That was very disorientating. Kind of like "Wait, so, if it didn't fall out then, when WILL it?" or "Wait, so, we're NOT getting screwed over this time? This guy is actually true to his word? Get out!"

It's a little scary to leave the security of my day job to go do work as a "contract worker" again, even though I have been ready to leave for months. But it's kind of like when you're a kid learning to swim. I've got to leave the side of the pool and swim in the deep end even though it's scary because I can't feel the bottom. Because if I don't take the chance, I'll never know the joy of swimming freely.... so to speak. ;-)

I'm so excited about this new opportunity. I think that this is the beginning of many good things. Perhaps our tide is finally turning and if so, it's about time!

We are so very happy. This is a really cool project and I am so honored to be a part of it all. A big thanks to Curtis and Zeke for putting it all together.

Wow. What a freaking amazing year.

I'm Officially Married

2010-11-06T09:11:00.000-07:00

This time, we signed the papers and everything. ;-)

There was a lot of hecticness with this wedding as I've discussed. Three days before the wedding we realized that we didn't have the photogs for 6 hours, we had them for 5. Oops. We had intended to have them for 6 but somewhere in our meetings with them that got lost in translation and we had only paid for 5 hours not 6 and the extra hour would be another $500. Soooooooo.... we had to change the schedule of events for that day which meant a lot of scrambling up until the night before the wedding.

We had our show the night before the wedding too! So, it was definitely a hectic time.

However, on the day of my wedding I had my beautiful bridesmaids and flower girl, the handsome groomsmen, my brother to marry us, our familes around us and my lovely and wonderful groom.

It is a bit of a blur of a day actually. Curtis and I forgot to bring our license to the venue, and we both forgot to bring our vows to the altar and had to improv our vows. :) But it turned out soooo well! Our improved vows were sweet and heartfelt and not the planned out words we wanted to say. Despite all the last minute changes and craziness there was no drama that day and everyone had a great time!

My brother had become licesensed as a Minister to marry us. He did SUCH a great job. Everyone kept talking about it afterward. My other brother was in the wedding party, as were both sisters in law and my nieces. My Matron of Honor Karen saved our butts and thrilled me when two days before the wedding she got my garter, and made a sign in sheet and a made me the MOST adorable little people cake topper for the cake! Our other friend Liz stepped in to take some getting ready photos since we didn't have the photographers for that and to videotape for us since our other friend who was supposed to be our videographer couldn't make it.

I am so lucky to have had two lovely wedding ceremonies! A big thank you to all our friends who pitched in to help us have this and to our families who made it all possible!

Not a Typical Bride Part 2

2010-10-02T23:04:00.000-07:00

There are still quite a few details to be worked out before the wedding. Today I went out into the world and got started on a couple of those things. While out at a wedding store I looked at some floral hair pins. They were little fake flowers with a couple of fake crystals on a bobby pin. They were $99 for TWO of them! Are you kidding me? If I still want them in a week I will make them myself for about a buck each!

Weddings are, quite frankly, a racket. EVERYTHING costs more than normal when it's for a wedding. I think we need to start forcing a change here. Let this be part of the revolution. No more price gouging for what should be a happy, spiritual, day celebrating love and commitment with family and friends. If brides stopped paying through the nose for things, maybe they'd stop ratcheting up the prices so high? Let's all stop buying into the hype!

Part of this is, I think, because so many brides have that "This is THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF MY LIFE!" attitude and are willing to pay through the nose for their big day. I am not one of those brides. Sure, having an over the top luxury wedding is great if you have the millions in the bank. But if you have to go into debt for it, is it really worth it for what amounts to less than 24 hours? My wedding will end up being about 6 hours when all is said and done and it kills me that we are spending $12 grand on 6 hours when I could have gone around the world with that money. The average wedding in America these days is $25,000! Do you know what I could do with that?!!!! And that is usually for no more than 8 hours of actual ceremony and reception time! It's insane! No, I don't begrudge people their fancy weddings.I worked for an absolutely amazing event and wedding planner for a while. I worked some weddings that were so expensive, yet so beautiful you wouldn't believe it. Seriously, it is amazing what some of these weddings looked like! One in particular was everything I could have wanted and more. If I had millions, I would have a very similar, yet personalized to us kind of wedding. But I don't. So I'm not. I also saw a wedding where the couple saved up for FIVE years to have an amazing wedding in Malibu. It was truly breathtaking and awesome but you know what? They saved for FIVE years! That's such a long engagement! I don't have that kind of patience!

As a child it was never my dream to be a bride or to have children. In fact I have two very clear memories of playing make believe as a kid that I think really tell who I ended up being:

1. I was playing "princess". I was, you guessed it, a princess of not just one, but SEVERAL European countries. (I've always dreamed big-heehee!) I was also a world famous actress and singer and had been an Olympic gymnast and equestrian before that. I didn't have a husband but was being wooed by several boyfriends. Some were also royalty, some were rock stars or actors and one was a horse trainer for all my many horses. (I was a bit of a boy crazy vixen from a very young age apparently)In this make believe world that I liked to inhabit at the age of about oh, 8 or 9, I also had many dogs of many different breeds and a few cats, dolphins and of course, the horses. I went to awards shows, and I filmed movies on exotic locations and travelled. This was my version of the "ideal life". Oh I always figured I'd get married some day because most people do. It just wasn't a big focus to me.

2. When I was about 12 I was playing and I was thinking about what a great mom I'd be. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks: babies don't stay babies when they're real. They grow up. They become kids. Smart ass kids who talk back. Then teenagers. TEENAGERS! And by then, you're like, getting OLD! (I don't think that anymore, but hey, I was a kid!) And then EVERYONE knows you're getting old because you have TEENAGERS. Then THEY grow up and have babies! And you never stop worrying about or taking care of your kids. THEY ARE YOUR RESPONSIBILITY FOREVER. And right about then, the idea of having my own kids was tarnished forever.

So, as you can see, I wasn't your typical little girl putting a sheet on her head and pretending it was a wedding veil. I didn't dream of fancy weddings and meeting Mr. Right and having the picket fence and little family. I dreamt of being a star! With lots of boyfriends and who travelled a lot.

Then I grew up. I didn't become a star but I tried... I did travel. A lot. I did have lots of boyfriends. Some were rock stars and actors, some were not royalty but thought that they were. ;-) Unfortunately none were horse trainers. ;-)

Then I rekindled with one actor ex boyfriend. We tried just being friends. We ended up dating and falling in love all over again. 3 years later he proposed on bended knee in a theater in front of an audience. A theater where, 6 months earlier, because of his influence in my life, I had done my first show after a miserable 13 year absence from the stage I loved. He has helped to give life to my dreams better than even I have. He supports me and loves me even when I am being a crazy temperamental nutjob. He loves to travel. He loves luxury, but in a somewhat simple way like me. He is, in short, my ideal partner in life. And just like that, I was a girl dreaming of getting married to this man that I love. I may not be a princess, but he often makes me feel like one. He may not be rich, but he is famous and we're working on getting to a better place financially. We don't have lots of dogs, but we have one that we both love more than anything. i may not be a star but I have my first lead role in a musical right now, because he is in my life. That's pretty awesome.

So I began trying to plan a wedding having no real clear idea of what I wanted.

It's been a weird ride for me. On the one hand I realize that this is a big important day and there are definitely things I would have liked to have been able to do. But on the other hand, no matter how you break it down, travelling the world, doing what I love and being recognized for it, is still more important than this one day in the end.

At times I've been caught up in the wedding "must haves" that I read about or was told about. That caused me to get upset because, due to our budget, there is a lot we can't do that I would like to do in an ideal world. But really, when I calm down and think about it, I only get upset because I know what everyone else's expectations are and I don't want to be judged. My own expectations are pretty simple. I'm marrying the man I love. We are going to be surrounded by family and friends. We are going to eat good food, have some wine, do some dancing and celebrate our love and commitment. I'll be in a pretty dress. (Maybe even two or three, but shhh! That's a secret.) In the end, that's all any wedding needs. I know because, I already did this once on a smaller scale at our semi elopement. All you need for a wedding is love, family and friends, and someone to marry you. :)

I don't look down upon women who dream of their big day since infancy. To each their own. Several of my closest friends have always been super excited to be a bride and had life timelines about it and had things all planned out since childhood. I'm cool with that. I'm just not like that myself. I don't think one is necessarily better than the other, it's just two different trains of thought on the matter. While they were playing house and dreaming of their wedding day, I was dreaming about walking down the red carpet...swimming with whales and dolphins, riding race horses and singing on Broadway. I may have gotten off track on many of those dreams, but part of why I love and am marrying Curtis is because he has helped me to get back on track with them.

I'm not a typical bride. But I'm the bride I guess I was always destined to be.

Curtis would like me to talk more about the show we're doing together in this blog. I will in time, but I think starting tomorrow night I'll be blogging about it as we go into "tech week" and through the run on my other blog "Lil Vixen Stirs Things Up". That's my more "day to day" blog.

I'm glad I'm blogging again. I really missed it more than I realized. I hope that your enjoying these. I feel like I am writing pointless streams of consciousness at times. And lest you think I am some bitter betty bride who is ungrateful and awful let me say this:

I am beyond thrilled that I got to have both the elopement I had wanted as well as an actual "real" wedding. I cannot wait to see my beautiful bridesmaids, my beautiful niece as my junior bridesmaid and my other beautiful niece as a flower girl. My mom will look beautiful in her fancy dress, Curtis, my dad and brothers and all the boys will be handsome in their suits and tuxes. And it's going to be a wonderful celebration of love, life and music! Everything in this wedding is from the heart of both Curtis and I. I am sad that we had to cut the guest list, I am sad that I won't have a couple fun "props" that I wanted. But in the end, I am so happy to get the chance to marry the man I love twice, and to get to share it with family and friends. I am blown away by the generosity of funds, talent and time given by our amazing family and friends! I am so lucky to be marrying into a family I get along with and love! I am lucky that Curtis gets along with and loves my family. In the end, there are many, many more good things than bad.

I wanted to blog about the challenges though, because like pregnancy and childbirth, I think a lot of the hard parts of getting married and planning a wedding get glossed over and I thought talking about how hellish it can be at times was just being honest. Planning a wedding is a lot of work, costs a lot of money (even if you do it "cheap") and makes a lot of emotions run high. There is usually at least some stupid drama, and in some cases, like mine, a LOT of stupid drama. I also think the challenges I faced, just show that when we try to hard to do things as society says we should and not how we think we should ourselves, we end up disappointed. Also, I wanted to because, I am just not a typical girl in many ways and I think that my wedding planning experience shows that. But in some ways I guess I am. I loved trying on the pretty wedding dresses (even if I couldn't afford most of them). I loved looking at venues and tasting cake with my fiance. I love looking at pretty flowers. And if I AM having a wedding then damn it all to hell I will have the perfect wedding shoes! ;-)

Not A Typical Bride.....

2010-10-01T23:34:00.000-07:00

(photos out of order.... sorry!)

I'm alive!

This summer has been crazy.

I'm also married! Kind of. Long story.

We cancelled the wedding we were planning. The one that had a 150 person guest list,a photobooth, and an awesome photography package. We cancelled it because, in the end, we just couldn't afford it, so it seemed the responsible thing to do.

So, we started looking into plan Bs. After all, we still wanted to get married. So we started planning elopement options where we would kind of semi elope with our immediate families and the bridal party in attendance, and then have a small, simple party later for friends.

At first, cancelling the wedding really, really depressed me. But then I REALLY started to like our elopement options!

Then, out of the blue one day, Curtis called me and said that he and my mom had worked out a way for use to still have a version of the wedding, we'd just have to cut back on things like some of the extras and the guest list. My parents were also putting in more money and so were his parents. While extremely touched at every one's generosity, I wasn't exactly gung ho about it because I loved my elopement idea...

Plus when we had been planning the wedding before it was SOOOOO stressful. It had been so nice to not deal with any of the drama anymore. I had tried very hard to avoid typical wedding drama, but, well, it seems that weddings have a life of their own, much like other expensive rights of passage in life, like children for example, and well, you have absolutely no idea what kind of wedding you're gonna have until you're smack in the middle of it crying in a ball on the floor and saying over and over "Why does everyone HATE me?" or "Why did I ever think I could do this?"

THIS is why wedding planners were invented. We should have had a wedding planner. But everything was so easy when it was just Curtis and I making decisions in the beginning..... oh well. You live, you learn.

In any case, yeah, I was not at all gung ho about having to deal with wedding planning again. I just wanted to get on with my elopement ideas which were SO awesome. We had a plan for Vegas and for Napa Valley that we were trying to decide between and both were seriously awesome! And both were all about what he and I wanted and nothing about what anyone else wanted yet still including our families and closest friends. It was perfect.

That being said.... people were telling me I may regret not doing it up "bigger". There was still a part of me who wanted to see some portion of my wedding visions come to fruition after all the hell of planning that we'd already gone through. Also, a lot of the planning was already done so, we assumed all the drama would be behind us. So, I was left to make the decision on my own. I had a week to decide. To wedding or to elope?

So... after a week of anguish over the two, I decided that what I REALLY wanted was both! But doing Napa or Vegas the way we had planned AND the big wedding was impossible. Originally, when we had started planning, we had wanted a big winery wedding, but we couldn't afford that, So, I called the winery we had liked in Temecula and arranged to have a small "open elopement" for just us and out families and whoever from the bridal party could make it, and then still do the bigger wedding.

It was perfect! The best of both worlds!

The elopement was beautiful. We did it in August so we'd have time between that one and the wedding. Ordinarily I would never think to have a wedding in August. But it had been such a mild summer. Seriously not that hot at all. And we had thought it might be fun to do it on 8-9-10! But that date didn't really work out for us, so we had to do it the next week. That was unfortunately the first REALLY hot day of the "most mild summer ever" (well, of course, why wouldn't it be?) and so it was 110 degrees during our outdoor, no shade ceremony. But it was sooooo pretty. And it was really a great day! After that we changed into more comfy (ie: much cooler and easier to move in)"wedding clothes" and then had lunch at the winery restaurant and then Curtis, me and our friend and photographer Greg went for some wine tasting at another winery and then Curtis and I retired to an awesome winery hotel and spa resort! We had a certified minister, however, we did not sign our license, as we want our official anniversary to be later. So, we're married in spirit, but not by law... yet. :)

Then it was back to finishing the planning for the wedding. Only, we had lost a little over a month in planning by then from when we had cancelled it. So now we were racing against a clock. Tensions and emotions were strained and well, remember how we thought we were done with drama? Yeah. Not so much. More tears. More hurt feelings. Seriously, I am not sure why people have weddings. They definitely bring out the best in people, but they also bring out the worst. I enjoyed the very beginning of our wedding planning back when Curtis and I thought that we could afford to pay for almost all of it and it was just us planning our nice, simple and unique day. And I enjoyed the elopement planning a whole lot! But then...for the wedding it was just a stressful, 7 month emotional roller coaster. Curtis and my Maid of Honor both agree that yes, most weddings have some drama at some point, but no, not all wedding planning goes as awry and as awful as mine has. I have been pretty unlucky in my planning. So much of it has been up in the air at times, and the plans have had to change for EVERYTHING from the engagement party, to the actual wedding plans, to my shower which was last week- things have been constantly up in the air or changed at the last minute. There were always valid reasons, but the reasons were always totally out of my hands. My Maid of Honor keeps saying "The theme for your wedding is 'Everything Is Gonna Change!'" She's right. That makes things quite stressful. So, you'll have to forgive me when I say yes, I am SO excited for my actual wedding! It's going to be an awesome day! But I also just really want it all to be over. I'm absolutely drained from planning this wedding.

Having been in my friend Karen's wedding as Maid of Honor and also a bride myself, here's what I can now officially say: I do not enjoy planning weddings. I enjoy going to weddings, I enjoy being in weddings, but I do not relish any position that involves planning the weddings. It's good to know these things about yourself. So, there will be no more wedding planning in my future after this wedding. :)

I also now know that the happy yet extremely awkward and uncomfortable feeling I have at showers does not change when it is my own shower. Did I mention that the second REALLY hot day of this "mildest summer ever in CA" was the day of my shower and it was technically FALL at that point? Yup. I hate you Mother Nature. And uh... it's now officially October so lets just dial down that thermostat ok?

Oh yes! We also moved and are rehearsing for a show together! So, yeah, lots of stuff going on! No wonder I am stressed. The show is actually REALLY fun. But the timing of it being right before the wedding could have been better, however, we are so happy to be a part of it!

We live in a cute little two bedroom bungalow now. It's super adorable and conveniently close to the theater and to many restaurants we like!

So... that's what's been going on in my neck of the woods. Thanks for reading! Now that we have internet again after months without really having it, I will try to post more often again! :)

Quik Response

2010-07-10T12:08:00.001-07:00

To Renee of the Fae... you asked if I felt that because I kept myself on the fringe of office life that I was missing out on anything? No. I don't. If I got too comfortable there I would probably not feel the hunger to try and do more with my life that makes me truly happy. Sure, I could hunker down, get comfy in my office surroundings and get used to the 8-5 grind and be one of the office folk. But if I did that I would lose the drive to do the things I am truly passionate about. And in my mind that would be the bigger tragedy. And just to be clear, I AM very social and I do make friends at my jobs. And I contribute to the potlucks when I have to (even though I absolutely hate office potlucks since I usually choose to escape the office for a light, healthy lunch to clear my head and not be at "work" for a few minutes) and I do all that is expected of me. I just don't ever feel comfortable or at home in these settings and it is somewhat baffling to me that some people REALLY do.

The more I think about it, I actually don't think I COULD be comfortable. It's just not the life that I was meant for. It's not that I think I am too good for it, it's just not for me. If nothing else, if I didn't enjoy performing, I would at least rather work for a dog rescue, or teaching kids to dance, or maybe even being a fitness person because I love to be moving. Or possibly in some sort of creative office setting where it's not so much an "office" but a creativity co-op. You know? That's all I mean when I say that I am not one of the office folks. There are wonderful people at my office and some want to make a career with this company. Some would rather work for other companies but they still want to be in an office setting. I'm just not one of those people.

So, I hope that kind of clears that up. It's all about following your passions and dreams. And none of my passions or dreams lead to corporate office environments with Internet blocks, weird "don't ask, don't tell" policies on what your compensation is (why all the secrecy, who is the company screwing over pay wise? Not that I care because I'm just a long term temp and I DON'T ever discuss compensation with people but still that's WEIRD to me.), being forced to work on weekends, head honchos making BAD decisions that lead to HUGE mistakes that lead to HUGE messes, that then have to be cleaned up that could have been so easily avoided had anybody bothered to really stop and think about what the RIGHT thing to do in that situation is or stopping to think about the welfare of the people who would be adversely affected in the end, or having to meet quotas everyday.

Does that make sense? And just to also make sure this is clear, the team of people I work with is mostly super awesome. Our boss is a great lady, and the people are nice and hard workers. It's just not my cup of tea for the long haul is all.

But that reminds me... I have a whole "office space" themed blog to write on this subject because I really am living in that movie at times at this job. ;-)

Ack! Where Does the Time Go?!

2010-07-10T11:51:00.001-07:00

There are soooo many things I want to talk about on here. But alas, wedding stress (we've pretty much had to cancel/possibly postpone the wedding we had planned up until this point. Big time bummer.) along with financial stress(the reason for the wedding cancellation/postponement) along with job stress (they've been shuttling me between projects ensuring that just as I start to not feel stressed about work and start to actually feel slightly comfortable and like I know what I am doing, they move me and then I am stressed again) means that it's been a very busy and long couple of months.

But we have had some fun and there are still things I feel worth talking about. I wold love to go on and on about the awful Oil Spill in the Gulf of Mexico which has me both enraged, guilty and ridiculously sad. I would love to talk about the movie premier Curtis and I went to last night and how ridiculously out of place I felt amongst some of the scary skinniest, most scantily clad, most tragically over dyed and processed "blond" haired, over tanned, and kind of haggard wanna be starlets I have ever seen in my life. To be fair, there were also a lot of regular folks there as well and the cast of the movie was refreshingly, blissfully normal looking. And the movie was REALLY good. Big props to the movie "Stan"!

(the photo above is of Curtis on the red carpet at the premier)

But alas, I can not go on and on about any of these things in detail because in about two minutes I have to jump in the shower and get ready to head down to the San Diego area for a show. It's a fun show. I've been in it off and on for over 8 years. I had officially quit last year but, a friend is now directing for them and asked if I would come do some shows as a favor to her and also, they are paying me pretty well and as mentioned above, we could REALLY use the money. So, I'll be off to go perform soon and won't be home until somewhat late. Perhaps I'll try and catch up on the writing tonight or tomorrow. I'll try. I miss blogging. I just need more time in the day and to not be battling one crisis after another all the time. Ugh. Stress. It's just no good in large doses.

Office Life. Again.

2010-06-13T14:16:00.000-07:00

This little guy is a shrinky dink spider that Curtis made one day with my nieces and he now lives on the cord of my computer at my new office.

Okay, so you all know I got engaged. Just a month later I finally got a job thus ending my 14 month stint of unemployment. Thus also ending any free time I once had. The job is for a large corporation working in an open plan office (I REALLY miss my old job and the private office I had). I was hired to help newly hired people from all over the country get in their new hire paperwork on time and complete the drug screenings and stuff like that. I did that for about a month and then I was pulled over to work in I-9 compliance to work on a giant audit of old I-9s. Tedious doesn't even begin to explain it. But I am getting used to it and the people I work with are really, really nice. I-9 forms are the forms that prove that somebody can legally work in the United States. They are mandatory for any job and they are regulated by the Federal Government. That means that they have to be filled out very specifically. VERY specifically. Nobody in charge of having the new employees fill these out seems to get this. THAT's a problem. Hence the audit.

I am very glad to have a job. I feel especially lucky to have a job in this terrible economic climate. And even luckier to have a job while trying to pay for a wedding! However, that being said, I do not fit in with corporate life. I constantly feel like I am just visiting a foreign country or planet where I just don't get the customs. I can respect them, but I don't get them. I frequently find myself saying "But, WHY are we doing it like this? It just doesn't make sense!" I also find myself saying things to people that I find quite funny only to find that they just don't get it. People who thrive in corporate offices are a different breed of people from me, all together. I tend to question things, especially if what I am being told doesn't seem like the best way to get what needs to be done, done. I also tend to speak my mind when things piss me off or just seem stupid. And that seems to make me a real rebel in corporate office environments.

When I have an office job I don't feel exhilarated, I feel stifled. I get these creative ideas I can't wait to work on and then, by the time I am off work and free to work on those ideas, I am so tired and brain fried, I just don't. That makes me sad and often frustrated.

I also never really get too attached to people or things at my office jobs. In my mind, my "day jobs" are always temporary. My last "temporary" office job lasted over 3 years, but it never once felt like my "real" job to me. I do what I am being paid to do and I think I am a pretty hard and loyal worker, but, in my mind I am always just passing through and observing the corporate speak natives as if on special assignment for National Geographic. I never really become one of them. I am always just a step out of the circle. Because I don't ever quite fit in completely.

The combination of working at least 40 hours a week, sometimes more, with wedding planning and all of life's other little time sucking things like exercising, taking care of the dog, grocery shopping, socializing with friends and you know, sleeping, means that I have not really had as much time to blog anymore. Also, when I have had the time, I haven't had the inclination. After literally staring at a computer all day I don't really want to anymore when I get home from work. Also, I am not really a morning person at ALL so suddenly having to be somewhere at 8 am was kind of a shock to my system. My last job gave me "flex time" so my hours were really flexible and I never had to be there before 9 am. And that was hard enough. 8 am seems just excruciatingly early for me to be anywhere. Especially somewhere like an office where people will start calling me and talking to me about things.

And that's another thing. The people who thrive in office environments kind of need to be morning people. By nature I am a night owl. You can see the problem. My perfect day would have me waking up no earlier than 9 am and going to bed between midnight and 2 am. I also tend to need 8 hours of sleep. So, that means if I am going to get that 8 hours on the schedule I am on now, I need to be asleep by 10:30 and that is kind of hard for me to do. And it seems that the whole world is geared for morning people. That hardly seems fair for the night owls. And when did business hours go from 9-5 to 8-5? Don't they know they are messing with one of the greatest song titles ever? ;-) Also, how come the extra hour was added on at the beginning of the day instead of the end? Oh I know SOME place have employees work 9-6, but it seems like most still stick to the 8-5 model. Bleah.

Oh, and I don't look down on the people who thrive in offices. It's not a bad thing to like office jobs. It's just not MY thing, that's all.

Maybe I wouldn't care so much if my job was doing something that I absolutely loved. Like if we were working on a movie or my documentary then maybe it wouldn't seem so awful to have to wake up so early? Nah. I think I would still hate waking up early, I would just be happier once I got to work. ;-)

Well, I'm hoping to find more time to squeeze in blogging again despite being gainfully employed. And don't get me wrong I am very happy to be employed. I'm not looking the gift horse in the mouth, just examining some things about myself and how I relate to the rest of the world. Anyway, I hope to have more time to write in the near future! Here's hoping!

Wedding Dress Shopping vs Doctor Exam

2010-04-13T10:11:00.001-07:00

So, among the many "fun" things I get to do as a bride wedding dress shopping is supposed to be pretty high on the list. In reality while it was fun to try on pretty big, wedding dresses and see what a $1500 dress looks like on me, the process of trying on the dresses varies from store to store and some are more fun than others.

The first day I went shopping was a last minute trip with my friend Karen to a David's Bridal store because she happened to be running errands near one. I picked a few dresses to try on and because it was a busy evening I was paired with a bridal consultant that was also helping another bride. This meant that Karen and I got to do a lot of stuff on our own. I was given a slip and bustier to put on by myself and then the bridal consultant or Karen would help me with the dresses when I needed help. It was nice and fun and not to pressure filled. We had a few good laughs at me in the poofy Cinderella ball gown dresses because as a woman on the short side I looked like a giant cream puff. As I learned from the bridal magazines, unless you are tall and lean, the poofy very full ball gown skirt won't look good on you.

The best looks for short, curvy-ish me are the mermaid, trumpet and a-line skirts.

Knowing that I went to another bridal salon with my mom and sister in law. We had fun and again I was left to try on the dresses on my own (apparently that is a real anomaly at this particular boutique but I really liked it.

Then, on the second visit to the same salon I made an appointment and so I was ushered into a large dressing room with a consultant and my maid and matron of honor.I thought they might let me undress alone and also thought they might give me a slip or something like the other place did so that in between dresses I wouldn't be standing there defenseless in my skivvies. But no. I had to undress in front of my maid of honor and the consultant and for whatever reason, even though I am not modest, this was a bit nerve wracking for me. So there I had read that you should bring flesh colored underwear and a flesh colored strapless bra. So I did. But my underwear was kind of a semi sheer mesh (it's the only kind of flesh colored underwear I have) so, a slip or something would have been nice.

I toughed it out but seriously I didn't find the process that much fun. The dresses were beautiful but the getting into and out of them in front of people left me feeling more exposed than a visit to the doctor!

So after a trip to that store, we went to one more store. This time it was just me and the consultant in the room and while she gave me the slip I had so desired at the previous store she stayed in the room while I undressed and put it on. I have to say, that undressing in front of someone is more nerve wracking for me than the act of being seen in your underwear. There is something intimate in act of undressing. You feel especially ungraceful and vulnerable while struggling out of jeans and socks and let's not forget the folly of my semi sheer underwear. Sigh.... anyway, as an actress I am not that flustered by people helping me dress or being seen in my underwear but this wasn't backstage or in a set dressing room. This was... different. As someone who has had more than my share of body image issues standing around in my skivvies while everyone else is dressed was a bit hard for me.

I should say that everyone was nice to me, and nobody made a big fuss about things. But still, it was a little uncomfortable. On the bright side, I found that almost every sample size dress fit me perfectly and that was kind of nice. I'll admit, it made the body image scarred part of me feel a little better. And the important thing is.... At the second store that day we found THE dress! Yay! It's beautiful! I'm happy with my choice and it was a really great price! Oh and no, the dress I picked is not in the above photo. :)

Food for Thought

2010-03-22T23:05:00.000-07:00

This photo is from one of my favorite restaurants called Rutabagorz. They have lots of wacky and fun stuff on the walls. They serve really good food and have many healthy and vegetarian options as well as not so healthy and more carnivorous options. So, it's a perfect place for me and Curtis. The night that I took this I had a veggies cobb salad that is prett healthy if not giant, and Curtis had a galic chicken pasta dish that had so much cheese it could not have been healthy! :)

So, as most of you know, for about the past month I was kinda sick. My symptoms varied from week to week and the severity of the symptoms varied as well, but for the most part, let's just say I felt under the weather for just about a month. There's a cold going around that lasts about that long and I seemed to have caught it. I'm feeling much better now, but the last two weeks were especially icky and bad. I was super lazy and didn't really work out, was tired and napped a lot and was also ravenously hungry. Aside from when my throat hurt like hell, I was hungry almost all day everyday for over a week. But,I've already talked about this in an earlier blog.

Well, due to all of the above, after a while, when I didn't feel better and was STILL hungry, I started to get really nervous that I would gain weight. I mean, I was SO hungry so I was eating a lot and on top of that, I was mostly lounging around and didn't feel up to working out. That's not exactly a prescription for health and fitness. So, boy was I scared to step on the scale today. But to my surprise, I didn't gain weight! Or maybe I did, but I lost muscle? I don't know. I'm hoping I just didn't gain weight and that I was so hungry because my body needed the energy to fight off the virus. Yeah, that's it! But either way it was nice to not see the scale go up just because I had been sick and off my usual "game".

I hate that even when I am sick I worry about food and the calories I am consuming versus what I am probably burning. I hate that during my proposal on stage in front of people and being videotaped and photographed by multiple people I actually took a second to worry about if I looked fat since I hadn't been working out that week or eating especially well since I had been sick. I kind of hate that when I saw the photos of my engagement the first thing I did was notice which ones I looked heavier in and which ones I looked thinner in. For the most part I am happy to report that out of all the photos there were only a couple I didn't love. That's progress for me. But, I'm still a working on certain things. Let's just say that while I am accepting of my current size, after seeing me on video for my show and in the candid photos from the proposal I feel like I could stand to lose a few pounds. Not a lot, but a few pounds.

As a performer I can not be distracted by worries about how I look on film because of feeling slightly uncomfortable in my skin. And even as a regular person I would rather not worry about such things as well. And right now I don't feel especially comfortable. Especially after a month of what was somewhat necessary slacking off on the workout front. I needed to take it easy and rest more because every time I worked out hard I got sicker. But still, that forced break for SO long has really started to mess with my mind and self esteem a bit. I am actually worried about trying on wedding dresses and taking engagement photos. That really shouldn't be the case. I really should just be enjoying and revelling in this happy time in my life!

For the record, I am not proud that I feel this way nor do I like it. But it's honestly how I feel.

Now that I am feeling better I intend to pick up the slack in an effort to make myself feel a little better and more comfortable in my skin.

Engaged!

2010-03-15T00:39:00.000-07:00

So, this weekend Curtis proposed to me and I said yes, well, I nodded yes having been actually struck speechless for once in my life, and so we are officially engaged! Being that we dated for the first time in 1998-1999 and then broke up for about 7 years and then got back together 3 years ago it has taken about 12 years for us to become engaged since our first date ever together in 1998. Ha! I find that very amusing.

If you'd like to read the full story of the engagement you can visit my other blog here on blogspot "Lil Vixen Stirs Things Up" or Curtis's blog "Curtis Andersen Super Blog!" for our two accounts of the proposal night.

In short he proposed after his Improv Shmimprov show on March 12th at the Maverick Theater. It was quite an ordeal that involved many people and it was a big surprise for me! I was shocked and stunned and very, very happy! Also, I almost messed the whole plan up because I have been sick for well over two weeks and got worse just before the proposal day. But in the end I didn't cancel my plans and Curtis was able to go through with his! The ring is a vintage ring from the 1940s and is very much my style! I wanted vintage. My boy did good!

We do not have anything planned yet. It's been a busy weekend of visiting with friends and family and we haven't decided on anything at all! I'm still kinda sick so I haven't done too much other than resting and visiting and telling people the story many times. :) I'm not the kind of girl who has been planning my wedding since I was 5 so really, I am starting from scratch with no real "dream wedding" vision in mind.

In a way, this is great because it means we have many options to choose from and means I am not locked in or dead set on anything. In another way it's bad because there are SO MANY options to sort through and consider.

But it's a good thing to keep in mind. Sometimes when we are thinking about or bodies and how we wish or want them to be we can get locked down by those ideas. But really there are so many different body types that trying to force your body into a type that isn't "you" just because it's what you envisioned as a child or what you envision as being the "ideal" is just silly. That premeditated "ideal" might not be possible or realistic for your body type. Just something to think about.

Off Track and Down With the Sickness

2010-03-11T16:37:00.000-08:00

So, about a little over 3 weeks ago I noticed I was getting tired a bit more than normal. Kind of in that "Uh-oh" I might be getting sick" kind of way. I took my workouts down a notch, upped the Vitamin C and healthy fruits and veggies and tried to get some more rest. A few days here and there over the course of that first week I would get weak and mildly fevery but nothing too bad. The exhaustion meant at some point in the day I'd be taking a nap, and the fevery feeling that came and went meant that sometimes I felt like crap and then just an hour or so later I'd feel fine.

Then, I started to feel better. But the very next day I got a horrible sore throat. It lasted for days coming on strong at night and through the morning hours. Then it went away and by last Saturday night I thought "Woo-hoo! I'm finally better after two weeks of hell!" Ahhhh..... no. Sunday I woke up still feeling kinda crappy. By the next day, the past Monday, I had a bad cough. It morphed overnight into a cough with a runny nose and congestion and I just popped some dayquil figuring that surely this was the last of it. Until last night. Last night I spent the entire night battling with those mucus creatures from the Mucinex commercials in my lungs and nose. I was a snotty, mucus coughing up mess.

Needless to say, all of this has put a crimp in my diet and exercise plan. The worst part is that my appetite has not gone away. In fact over the last two weeks I have been absolutely RAVENOUS. Hungry all the time. So, I've been eating more and exercising less and I really, really hate that. I am trying to at least eat very healthy food, but meals that would normally keep me full for hours are wearing off after about an hour or so after eating. It's very weird.

This would normally have sent me into a freak out tailspin. I mean, when you are sick you're supposed to lose weight, not be ravenously hungry! And I hate when I get all super motivated to take my workouts up a notch and to get all kinds of stuff done, then get sidelined. ARGH! Very frustrating.

But this time I am just going with it. Either my body needs the extra energy to fight this thing or my appetite is just screwy due to the cold virus from hell but either way, I'm not going to try and fight through a hunger that would imply that I have a tapeworm while also dealing with the actual symptoms my body is fighting. That's just asking too much of me.

Besides, I am trying to listen to my body more and if it's telling me THAT hard that it's hungry, when it normally doesn't I feel like I should listen. Who knows? Maybe that old adage is true, "Feed a Cold, Starve a Fever"? ;-)

In the meantime, yesterday Curtis brought me a double shot of wheatgrass and a jamba Juice Colbuster Smoothie. I love wheatgrass shots! They do really seem to have wonderful health benefits! I hadn't had one in a very long time, but maybe I should try and get back to a regular regimen of them. Hmmmm. Something to ponder while I wait this stupid virus out.

Body Image on Film AKA The Funhouse Mirror

2010-03-03T12:34:00.000-08:00

So as most of you know I am an actress. I've just finished a play and at at the cast party they showed the DVD of the play. I am not alone in being an actress who can not stand to watch herself on film. Not to mention that filmed plays are never quite the same as watching them in person, live. In any case I was apprehensive about watching my scene. What if I looked horrible? Normally I also worry about my voice but in this case my character's voice was different from mine so, I didn't need to worry about that as much. So, when my scene came on, I got a bit nervous. I grabbed a pillow to hide behind from the couch and settled in to watch. One of my fellow cast members laughed and said, "Just watching Rene watch herself is bound to be a good show on it's own." She might have been on to something. :)

My first reaction was "I look kind of heavier and rounder than I'd like but it's not THAT bad." But then something odd happened. At times I looked quite nice. And at other times I looked like I was pregnant. Then nice again. Then really good. Then kind of bad. Then good again. The constant switching between "Oh I look nice there" to "Oh, not so good there" and then back to "I look nice, or at least okay" made me realize how futile it is to try and look good ALL the time. It's really hard to do. And just the fact that I didn't look bad ALL the time, was enough to give me hope in my chosen career path of being on film. I must be making progress because ordinarily what I saw might have sent me into a downward spiral. This time though, I just kinda felt like "Yup. That's me. Perfectly imperfect, real life me." BUT, it's true, being on camera does add a bit of weight. I don't know if it really adds 10 pounds, but it does add a bit. Still though, I didn't look too bad even with the added weight. That was nice.

Then today I got an email with a link to the photos that a photographer took of our dress rehearsal. Again, I was nervous to see mine. I'd seen a couple already and I didn't look super great in them. But again, in some I looked a little extra round and in some I looked quite nice and fit. Another thing I noticed was, when I was "happy" I look much better than when I was "mad". I should be happy more. It's really good for your looks. My whole face lights up when I am happy. It's kind of nice to see it captured on film candidly. :)

I am going to order some of the photos I think and once I have them I will post some. In the meantime, the adorable photo that I posted with this blog was taken by our stage manager, Travis Stolp.

What I also realized while looking at these photos and the dvd was that much like real life, sometimes I loved how I looked and other times I hated it. I always thought I was crazy to have such differing opinions of myself sometimes within minutes of each when catching my reflection in mirrors or store windows or anything reflective. But really, it kind of IS all in the angles and the fit of the clothes and the lighting and any other myriad of circumstances. The best you can do is just try to be comfortable in your skin and happy. Happy and comfortable with yourself makes you look the best. Really it does!

I am so very glad that I got to be a part of "Jake's Women" at The Costa Mesa Playhouse. It was a great acting experience, I made some new friends and I got some lessons in body image and self esteem. Regardless of what I look like I know that I feel really good when I am acting and I loved getting compliments for what I did on stage after the show from the audience. It made me feel less self conscious to know that I was good at what I did. So, there's another lesson, confidence helps self esteem. I know that is pretty basic, but it was just so nice to experience that sense of accomplishment after so long of struggling with no accomplishments.

Do what you love and what you do well. If you are always doing stuff that you don't love or that doesn't make you happy, you probably won't look your best. You aren't honoring your "authentic self" by ignoring what your passion in life is. When you really give yourself permission to be who you are and then go after that, you will be happier and more at ease in your skin and then you are on the path to looking and feeling like the best possible version of you.

Birthday Perspective

2010-02-25T11:35:00.000-08:00

This past weekend, was my birthday weekend. I share my birthday with my lovely niece Katie as well as a Koala in Australia that I got to hold and cuddle on my last trip named Peter Parker. We also share our birthday with such luminaries as: Tyne Daly, Anais Nin, Nina Simone, Ellen Page, David Geffen, Rue McClanahan, Erma Bombeck, Sam Peckinpah, Kelsey Grammar, Ellen Page, Charlotte Church and my new favorite birthday twin: Alan Rickman!

I usually treat my birthday like a holiday, but this year I really didn't feel up to doing anything. I have been busy with my show and that combined with my niece's party and my other niece's insane All Star Soccer schedule just made it hard to schedule much else and really, I was not feeling especially celebratory. You might have noticed that it hasn't been the easiest couple of years. And so, this year as my birthday rolled around I was feeling just a bit down about the state of affairs in my world. Not totally down, but just a bit. I also didn't have the time, energy or funds to throw a party.

However, my family pretty much insists that you have a "family" party every year whether you want one or not. There's no getting out of it. Believe me, I tried. It's really just dinner with the family, cake and then presents. Nothing major. I never minded the family parties before but since my niece was born and since I've been dating Curtis again, (who's birthday is 9 days after mine) and since so very many of our friends are born within days of my birthday, there are just entirely too many birthday events from February through March. And after a while it starts to make me feel anxious in a way that the time between Thanksgiving and New Year's does. Too many "celebration" days where there is fattening yet delicious food and lots of cake and sweets. It's fun at first, but after Curtis's nephew's birthday, then my nieces, and sometimes one of my good friends, by the time it gets to my turn, I'm just kind of over it all. And we're not even done then! We still have a couple of other friends and then Curtis's as well within the next two weeks! It may sounds stupid to some of you, but seriously, it can be nerve wracking to someone with a disordered eating brain. I've overcome my eating disorder but my brain still panics in certain situations. I can get through it, but it's not always a happy or easy time for me. Because my niece is still young enough that family members are still welcome and in fact, expected at her birthday parties I always feel like I don't need a separate party just to open my presents. But as real as it is to me, it's hard to try and explain this to the people who love you and want to celebrate you without sounding ungrateful or bitchy or drama queen like.

I think part of the problem comes from a lot of "health and diet" advice that advocates not eating the birthday cake or holiday cookies or what have you, at EVERY celebration because these days most of us are invited to many "celebratory" or "holiday" meals over the year and so if you "splurge" at all of them you can't possibly expect to lose weight or to keep weight gain at bay. I'm not sure where I stand on this because to a certain point, it's true- I mean it's not a "once in a while splurge" if there is something to celebrate every week. Or several things a week as the case may be. On the other hand, life is short and so if there are times when you get handed a special dessert several times in one week - well, why not enjoy? It's s tough call for me and it never fails to freak me out.

This year though, things got even more complicated because I was supposed to have a matinee show on my birthday but it was cancelled that day because our lead actor was in a car accident the night before and was in the hospital but nobody knew any details or how severe it was. So, I was worried about my friend, and also left with nothing to do on my birthday, and was kind of afraid to celebrate too much because it seemed wrong to celebrate in a big way when a friend of mine could have been gravely hurt. Curtis had to work, my friends all had plans, so, I was left to fill my day on my own. I ended up going to see some friends in a show they were in that I hadn't thought I'd be able to see since the run of their show conflicted with the run of my show. I really loved the show and was glad that I got to see them, but I wished that Curtis could've seen it with me. It was a good day, yet also kind of bad since I was worried and essentially alone for most of it.

So, after that, I had the family party, but that was it. I didn't really do anything else. But, in the end, I am glad that I had the family party. It was nice and we had a lovely dinner of home cooked gumbo and red velvet cake. Delicious! My nieces also made me a very sweet homemade card that said I was the best Aunt ever. That really made my day.

I also got some pretty cool stuff! So, it was nice to be reminded that I was loved just as I am, and that sometimes, it's the simple things in life that make it good. I might be poor and Curtis and I might not have our own place to live and things might STILL be kinda icky in those terms... but, we have great family and friends and that is really more important in the long run. So, yeah, I'm glad I had the party and I am glad that I ate the cake at both my niece's party and my own!Life is too short to not enjoy your birthday and your loved ones birthdays!

SI Swimsuit Issue Controversy

2010-02-12T15:37:00.000-08:00

Well, it's that time of year again. The annual Sport's Illustrated Swimsuit issue. Oh joy.

This year there has been a bit of controversy drummed up over Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn who posed on the cover a week or so ago. In that cover she was in ski attire and in a skiers "tuck" pose which, of course, people immediately thought of as "sexual". I didn't see anything sexual about it. That's pretty much what skiers look like when skiing. Dirty minds found it sexual, I found it professional. "At least they didn't have her in a bikini or hot tub or something" I thought. And that brought me comfort. Until a couple of days ago when I saw that she and several other female winter Olympic athletes were in the swimsuit issue. In bikinis.

(Note: I am not posting photos and links to photos because I don't know the legality of that, and also because this blog isn't meant to promote the issue any more than needed, just to discuss it. And it's pretty easy to find all of them on line if you really want to see them. Below is a photo from Glamour Magazine of the girls all done up pretty and classy like.)

You might think I had a problem with that. But, somewhat surprisingly, I didn't and here's why. I would MUCH rather look at professional female athletes in bikinis than some long legged, tiny waisted, wisps of women with abnormally large for their frames, yet gravity defying breasts in my face. These models, while undeniably attractive are genetic freaks when it comes down to it. Very, very few people look like them naturally. Or even un-naturally. And for that they are paid very large sums of money to pose in tiny swimsuits in exotic locations and then very often score "acting" deals and/or marriages to rich and successful men on top of it. And typically, (though I admit that there are exceptions) that is their whole life summed up. I can't relate to these women and I could never, ever come even close to looking like these women no matter how much I dieted or if I got a boob job to lift or enlarge my breasts. My short, roundish, yet also somewhat athletic frame with thick muscular thighs and broad shoulders and my crazy large rib cage is never "in fashion". So, when I see so much of the male population drooling over these fantasy girls that don't really live anywhere near real life, (especially near my life) well, it kinda gets me down. If these girls are the "beauty ideal" where does that leave me? And what message does that send to my nieces and other girls as they grow up?

You can say that those are my own body image issues creeping up and that nobody is judging me based on these models. Well, you might be right. But that doesn't change my feelings in reaction to seeing them. It doesn't make me feel any better about myself.

But I can relate somewhat to the Olympic athletes. They are everyday women who have worked VERY, VERY hard for their success from the time they were children. They have normal bodies that just happen to be in REALLY great shape because they are professional athletes. They don't work out to fit in those teeny tiny bikinis, they work out because they need to to be able to do what they do in their sports. I get the feeling looking at these girls that if I worked very hard physically, I could look kind of like them. I don't feel like that when I look at the professional bathing suit models. It makes me want to train harder when I see their bodies, not depressed and wanting to just give up because it is impossible for me to look like the models, when I see the models' photos.

The athletes have trained daily and are strong and making names for themselves in sports which is something that was traditionally dominated by only men. If posing in this cheesy magazine gets much needed coverage for their sports and gets more funding for their programs so that future girls can continue to train with the best, well.... so be it. That doesn't bother me. And most of the photos are cute and sassy and sexy but in a classy way. The only photos that I just can't stand on them or any of the other models are the ones where they are posed in a way as to insinuate that they are just mere seconds from stripping off their bikini bottoms. This stupid and disrespectful pose is way overdone in magazines like this. Can't we retire this pose? At least for a while? There are classy sexy poses and there are totally trashy and disrespectful "sexy" poses. And this one falls into the latter's camp in my opinion. It just seems SO contrived and fake of a pose. "Ohhhh.... look at me... I'm so hot AND I'm about to get naked just for you big guy!" Gag me. And it's just plain putting the women in a not very powerful pose.

So, basically I am just glad to see different, somewhat more relatable but still totally "beautiful" body types in the magazine. These girls actually have thighs. THIGHS! Not little sticks sticking out of their pronounced hip bones.

Luckily for me my boyfriend doesn't get Sports Illustrated and doesn't go out and pick up the Swimsuit issue just because. But if he did, and I had to look at that issue laying around the house, I would much rather see girls like that in bikinis than the traditional swimsuit models. It's much better on my self esteem. And if I had kids, I would rather have them see those girls in the magazine.

So, let's give these girls a break. At least they've added a little diversity in body types to the issue. And I for one am happy about that.

Inspiration from Women

2010-02-10T13:17:00.000-08:00

Today I noticed a "hash tag" trend on twitter that was about Women's History. The tags say "#wmnhist" and your supposed to tweet inspirational women facts or quotes and put that hashtag on them. I've tweeted some of my favorite quotes already,but in case you've missed them, or because some of them are to long to fit in a 140 character tweet here are my faves!

~It is wonderful how much time good people spend fighting the devil. If they would only expend the same amount of energy loving their fellow men, the devil would die in his own tracks of ennui. ~Helen Keller (she has many good ones!)

~One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar. ~Helen Keller

~Plastic surgery and breast implants are fine for people who want that, if it makes them feel better about who they are. But, it makes these people, actors especially, fantasy figures for a fantasy world. Acting is about being real being honest. ~Kate Winslet

~There's more to life than cheek bones.~Kate Winslet

~Give thanks for what you are now, and keep fighting for what you want to be tomorrow. ~Fernanda Miramontes-Landeros (this one is a new fave and might be my new mantra)

~There is a special place in hell for women who do not help other women. ~Madeleine K. Albright

~I married beneath me - all women do. ~Nancy Astor, speech, Oldham, England, 1951

~Women are never stronger than when they arm themselves with their weakness. ~Marie de Vichy-Chamrond, Marquise du Deffand, Letters to Voltaire

~It's the good girls who keep the diaries; the bad girls never have the time. ~Tallulah Bankhead

FREEDOM! Do you value it?

2010-02-04T14:07:00.001-08:00

So, the last few posts have been about body image. This one is about the pits and breed specific legislation, but even if you don't care for or about pitbulls, this should piss you off because it is a huge strike against what America used to and should stand for. Freedom.

This article on the Toledo, Ohio bounty hunting/witch hunting for pitbulls. It was found to be unconstitutional. As all Breed Specific Legislation that allows for discrimination against and the unjustified seizing and killing of good dogs that have done nothing wrong should be.
You can read the article HERE.

Taking away property for no reason and destroying that property(especially property that is seen as family to many people and property that has done no harm to anyone or anything)is flat out unconstitutional and takes responsibility for our actions out of the hands of the people and into the government. And that is not what this country was founded on. If you value your rights as an American, regardless of your stance on pitbulls, this sort of behavior should PISS YOU OFF.

Please fight breed specific legislation whenever you can. And if you'd like to know why it DOESN'T work, just look to Denver they have had a pitbull ban for two decades and STILL have the highest rate of hospitalization in the country for dog bites. I have other blog posts on here that go into this in more detail if you'd like more info. Thank you.

January Recap and February Plans!

2010-02-01T13:52:00.000-08:00

Hello all! January is a bit if a blur now full of rehearsals, a road trip and Sundance, crazy week long rainstorms and still getting a surprising amount of new stuff done!

I stayed fairly on track with a lot of my "resolutions". I was able to walk Frankie on most days though we did miss a few days here and there. And I worked out in some way almost everyday. It totals up like this:
~13 days of light to moderate exercise that includes at least walking 2 miles (though usually it was at least 3 miles) or yoga
~14 days of somewhat hard to very hard workouts where I did some sort of strength training and some cardio or just very hard cardio
~4 days where I just rested.

I feel like that's a pretty good tally. I'm very proud of myself for getting in some exercise everyday and for mixing both hard and moderate workouts into each week. I also got some strength training and some sort of stretching in each week. In fact I stretched at least a little bit after all of my exercise days. As a result of sticking to this I feel much fitter again. I've only lost a pound or so, but I feel better and in my opinion I look better. I have more energy and I am sleeping a bit better too. Also because I am stretching regularly again I feel looser and relaxed.

I also did a lot of new things that you can read about on my other blog "Lil Vixen Stirs Things Up."I didn't manage my goal of doing something new EVERY day, but I did get in at least some little new thing on most days and on some days I got in several new things! It definitely shook me out of my comfort zone and it added more meaning to my life. I felt a lot more fulfilled with my life this past month. I did manage to take at least one photo every day as well for project 365. So, that's another small but important accomplishment. :)

I also took a road trip to Utah for the Sundance Film Festival so, that's already getting in a bit of travelling! And I did some new workouts like hiking and dance cardio. I love dancing so that's a fun way for me to workout. I hadn't done too many of those workouts in the last few months of the year, so it was good to be changing it up a bit again. I feel very strongly that when you do exercise that you enjoy you are way more likely to stick with it!

For February my goals for health and fitness are to keep exercising like I am and to try something new this month fitness wise and to eat less junk. I had meant to try spinning or a yoga class last month as part of my something new challenge, but I managed to skip right by those. So, this month I would like to try one of those. I've always done yoga at home with videos and I have a sneaking suspicion it will be harder in a class setting with someone there to tweak and correct my form. I don't eat a whole lot of junk very often but I do find that if I don't plan out my meals well I can end up somewhere totally famished and do something silly like eat an entire tray of semi stale tortilla chips because of it. Then I feel kind of bloated and not really nourished, so, I'd like to reduce the number of times that happens. :)

The theme for Project 365 for February will be to do good deeds. Maybe not everyday (though I will certainly try) but as often as I can. And also, this is the month that I decided to start my challenge to reconnect in person with an old friend once a week. My photo of the day will just be something somewhat representative of the day whether it be of the good deed or something else entirely. I think that if it's a day where I met with an old friend that will be my photo but if they don't want to be in a posted photo than it might not be. ;-) Also I am going to write a letter or send a card to someone once a week. I used to do this a lot, and I have slacked off, so, for a while that'll be one of my goals.

I am really enjoying having different themes each month and goals to work towards. It really does make me proud of myself when I accomplish something and it reminds me that there is so much more to living a great and wonderful life than just counting calories and striving to be thin or worrying about my own body image that is projected into the world. I think I am going to love good deed month. Despite my struggles I have been lucky enough to always have a roof over my head, to have food in my belly, a car to get around in, family and friends who love me, a boyfriend who helps me with so many things and loves me unconditionally and of course, the best, most wonderful dog! I think that doing some stuff for other people and "paying it forward" so to speak as well as helping out people and animals who are less fortunate will be a great experience.

So, those are my goals and that is my progress so far in this new year!

Road Trip

2010-01-27T20:00:00.000-08:00

(I wrote this on Sunday January 24th after the first leg of our road trip. I'm just now getting around to posting it.)

Yesterday we left for the Sundance Film Festival. Trips and vacations are always a little tricky for me in terms of how I'm going to squeeze my exercise in. Is there a gym where we will be going? Will we be walking a lot? Dancing? What will we be eating?

I like to squeeze in some exercise everyday if possible, because it helps to keep my "crazy" levels low and also eases some stress and some of of my body image issues about what I might be eating. As long as I am getting some exercise I feel okay about most foods. I am not opposed to one total "rest day" a week if I am feeling tired or if there simply just isn't time. But really, some sort of activity everyday makes me feel my best unless I am sick. Part of this is a body image/weight hangup and part of it is just science. Exercise gives you endorphins, and endorphins keep you happy. I start to feel sluggish and icky if I go too many days without breaking a sweat or getting the old blood pumping.

The fact of the matter is, that on this trip, the most I will have to go without a traditional workout is 3 days. That's not really that big of a deal, but it kind of has me just a little on edge. We're roadtripping which means a LOT of sitting in the car. Yesterday which was the first leg of the trip I did manage a bit of a workout with a 3.3 mile walk/jog with Frankie before we left. Today my plan was to hit the hotel fitness center before we left. Also last night we stopped at a little diner place for dinner and there was not a whole lot of healthy options. I got a veggie burger. It was not nearly as healthy as I had hoped but it WAS really, really good! I have to make it my new habit to ask if they put any "spread" or "dressing" on sandwiches wherever I go because I always forget to ask and they don't always mention it on the menu as was the case last night. I just scraped it off and ate it without much a problem. It seems that in large areas of the country mayo or other spread is put on EVERYTHING as a given, not so much an option. I'm not used to that. And for the record it's really not only a health or calorie concern so much as it is that I just don't like mayo on anything unless it's potato salad, tuna salad or egg salad and even then I only like it in smallish amounts.

Well, the trip up took longer than expected due to detours and traffic and stuff and we didn't get to our hotel in Utah until after 3 am. I still wanted to try and hit the fitness center though. So, I set my alarm for 8 am despite not getting to bed until almost 4 am. As luck would have it, I woke up before my alarm due to the sunlight coming through the window and the thin walls of this hotel. I was exhausted but I figured, well, I'm up anyway even though I am exhausted so, I should go work out since that was the plan. But, you see, here's the big snag... the door to our room faces outside. I have to walk outside to get to the fitness center. It's not a long walk but it's VERY cold here in Utah and not only that, it's so dry that having only been here one night and even having slathered my hands with lotion multiple times already, my hands are cracking in places. The air is so thin and dry and cold it cuts me like a knife. I am not looking forward to going from our door to the car later all bundled up, let alone to the fitness center in my thin workout pants, t-shirt and hoodie. Part of the reason I booked this hotel was for the fitness center, but I thought the whole hotel was enclosed so I would be walking to it in indoor heating comfortableness.

Also, I am SO exhausted from lack of sleep. I'm super cranky and stressed out also, from lack of sleep and general preparing for a road trip stress. I've already had a meltdown this morning to Curtis because, I am tired, but I want to work out but I also want to sleep and yet, I feel kind of puffy and fat too. I always get a bit on edge and totally insecure, when I am about to meet anybody "in the biz" for the first time. So, I'm gonna give myself a break today. I'm not gonna put myself through the workout. I'm gonna hope that I am able to get some exercise while at the festival since there is usually a pretty good amount of walking. And I just need to remind myself that missing one or two workouts will not kill me or suddenly make all my fitness accomplishments go away. Sigh. It's hard to stay sane about these issues when in this business.

Hmm.... now that I think about it the two previous Sundances have lead to at least one body image breakdown as well. Yeah... this biz is body image pressure filled for women. Seriously. I can deal with it sometimes, but other times, especially when I am removed from my comfort zone of "home" and am dealing with weird dry skin issues, red patches and flat hair due to the weather here in Utah, any confidence I had suddenly flies out the window. The irony, of course, is that everyone I meet when at Sundance is nice and cool and seems to think I am just fine as I am. Mostly because the people I meet here are filmmakers, directors, unknown indie actors (who haven't been all "Hollywooded" out yet) and writers. You know, the people who care about making a good film, not about being the skinniest person in the room. There ARE some very "Hollywood" girls too, but I can spot them a mile away in their mini skirts, bare legs and Ugg boots in the freezing cold temperatures and I stay away from them and their toxic energy if at all possible.

(Side note: As it turns out, I ended up walking at least 3 miles in freezing cold temperatures that night in Sundance, so, I think I did okay in terms of fitting in some exercise! And one writer who wrote a high school based comedy while in Iraq told me I was pretty and he knew I must be an actress. HeeHee. I do LOVE the people of film festivals!)

Body Image at Sundance

2010-01-27T10:47:00.000-08:00

I shot this video while at a party in Park city during the Sundance Film Festival. I was two rum and diet cokes in at a rather high altitude so, you might want to cut me a bit of slack on this, but, I'm posting it because well, it shows my continued struggle with body image. I should note that after I finished my dessert, I didn't go back for more. I was satisfied with what I had, which was two peanut butter and jelly bars, two small Mexican Wedding cookies and one mini cheesecake piece. Turned out I really didn't need or want anymore than that. They were pretty rich. And, I'm not advocating stuffing yourself just for the hell if it, but it was odd how many people were afraid to eat at this party. I guess it wasn't odd, actually, since it was a party for a lot of people in the entertainment industry where "image is everything". I guess I am lucky that my uh... "image" is not the "sexy young, waif like ingenue". My image is of "Smart, cute sidekick to the sexy young waif like ingenue". That means I get to eat! And in theater circles I guess I am doing just fine for now. So... yay! It is sad to me though how many people are afraid to have a little indulgence (I mean it's not like the desserts were GIANT or anything, they were tiny.) at a party like this. Maybe those people are just used to going to LOTS of parties like that? Anyway, here's the video. Tomorrow I will post some more video from Sundance and soon I will have daily summaries of the road trip up and back as well as Sundance activities on my other blog "Lil Vixen Stirs Things Up". I'll let you know when those are posted!

Plastic Surgery and More on Airbrushing

2010-01-21T14:54:00.000-08:00

So, Heidi Montag now admits to having TEN plastic surgery procedures in one day! She is supposedly only 23 years old and yet her procedures included Botox, fat injections in her face, another nose job, a but lift and liposuction. Botox when you are 23 is INSANE. And yet, in Hollywood, it's all too common. There are more procedures, but that's all I remember off hand. I mean, REALLY? TEN PROCEDURE IN ONE DAY? What kind of message does that send to other girls?

I was talking to my friend yesterday about this and she said "I hate to admit it but she DOES look better after all that." And you know what I have to agree. But then, I hated Heidi Montag for a variety of reasons before she did all this and so, I found her to be ugly because she was such a vile person. And now? Now she doesn't look like herself. So, yeah, to me she looks better because she doesn't look like the vile, idiotic fame whore the world has come to know. Even more "Fake" for sure, but better all the same. And she seems to be aware of this because she is quoted in The Daily Mail UK, Online as saying "'I see an upgraded version of me. It's a new face and a new energy. It's a new person and I feel like almost all of the things I didn't want to be and who I turned into kind of got chiseled away. So I'm very excited for the world to see the new me and a real me."

Read more: HERE.

I'm sorry but, "the new me and a real me"? Are you kidding me? How is anything about her "real" anymore"? And yeah, she's trying to reinvent herself as a "pop star" and would probably love people to forget that she and her "husband" are known for being bitchy, awful people who will do whatever it takes to get to the top but who have NO TALENT. I beg of you, PLEASE do not support her in this endeavor!

And the example she is setting for younger girls is just horrendous. She was a bean pole and not even close to overweight and yet she had liposuction. She was 23 with no real "wrinkle problem" yet she chose to have botox and fat injections. It's just sad. Horribly sad. And disgusting in my opinion. It's sad that she is just one of many wanna be pop stars and starlets who felt the need to completely overhaul herself in order to be successful and happy with herself. It's times like this when I realize how much courage it must take for someone like Barbara Streisand to keep her nose when trying to become a star. Look, we all have flaws. As my friend Stephanie from "Back in Skinny Jeans" and "Noshtopia" likes to say (and I am paraphrasing here) "think of a beat up leather jacket. It's the flaws in it that make it interesting and unique." Our flaws are what make us unique.

When I saw Heidi's "transformation" I thought she reminded me of an actress, but I couldn't recall which one specifically because there were so many she reminded me of because that "type" of girl is a dime a dozen in Hollywood. She just looks like every other blond starlet.

She also has been quoted as saying that she almost died after the surgeries because of too much Demerol. She is just another person who risked her life to make herself "prettier" in the eyes of the public. You can check out that article here if you like.

I am somewhat torn about even discussing this because I do not like to give this sorry excuse of a "famous person" any more publicity. I wish that the whole world would just start to completely ignore people like Heidi and Spencer, The "Octomom" and other talentless hacks and fame whores. But it was hard to ignore being that she was all over the news so I figured I would at least use her ridiculousness to talk about the bigger issues surrounding it.

So, moving on.

Today a group I am a fan of on facebook, who also has a blog I follow called "The Feminist Guide to Hollywood" posted an article about photo shopping. You can go HERE to see it. I urge you to check it out and to become a fan of them on facebook if you have an account. There are some before and after photo shopping pics to see that they posted. Now, aside from mild lighting fixes or the smoothing of an outfit's wrinkles and such, do any of these women really NEED to be made thinner or "prettier"? NO. If these "icons of beauty" aren't good enough "as is" then how is any normal every day woman supposed to feel beautiful or confident in herself? And WHY have we put up with this for so long?

That is my rant/discussion topic of the day, as always, thanks for reading!

Chicken or the Egg?

2010-01-18T16:39:00.000-08:00

Today it is pouring rain and so I have spent the majority of the day so far catching up on blogs and twitter and all that stuff. I found one article about how in Spain they have banned ads that focus on "the cult of the body" from airing during the hours children may be watching tv. It includes any ads about slimming, plastic surgery or beauty aids. You can read it HERE. I can see both the good and the bad of this. On one side I agree that children don't NEED to be bombarded by these messages and images. It reminds me of this wonderful video from the people at the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty.

On the other hand there are people who would argue that they have the right to advertise their products. I think that this is a good compromise though because it just bans the ads during the children's shows and not during the time when adults only would be watching tv. And adults are the real targets. Surely 5 year olds are not going to end up at the plastic surgeons office. And they shouldn't be buying diet products or beauty aids. But it does bring to mind a good question, what came first poor self esteem or ads that help to create poor self esteem? In other words, how much can we blame the media for it's ads and unrealistic portrayals of beauty when for so long we've all been buying into it. If we all stopped believing the "hype" maybe they'd stop trying to sell it. It's worth thinking about.

I also read another blog that one body image writer that I admire had twittered about. The blog was well written and the content itself reminded me of a blog I recently wrote on here about my body image as an adolescent. But the comments were what got to me. Some were positive, some were defensive and some were just plain sad. A lot were sad actually. So many women carry around so much pain about how they look or what they weigh or an awful combo of both. When I hear women talk about what is "wrong" with their bodies with such pain and such strong, hateful, disgusted language I can't help but to relate on some level. But on another level I feel so, so sad for all of us. I like to think I have come a long way in this battle, but obviously I still have a long way to go myself.

One woman wrote about how tired she is trying to "grow" and "evolve" and "continuing to try to be better" all the time. She said it all seemed so futile because it never seemed to be enough. You could never be healthy enough, or thin enough or pretty enough, or even NICE enough, you always had to be better and she was exhausted at trying. It was so pain filled, so frustrating, so heartbreaking.

These types of sentiments though, can be tricky. Like I said, we can blame society or the media for perpetuating the beliefs that you can never be "too rich or too thin" and other awful beliefs like it. But at what point do we as society have a responsibility to change that? Clearly a lot of us buy into it or else it would have died a long long time ago, right? So at what point to we make a conscious effort to NOT buy into it and start to change those long held "beliefs"? And while everyone should be able to improve certain aspects of their life if they just aren't working right, at one point is the improvement enough? Some people say that you should try to be a little better every day. It's a nice thought, but when you apply it to too many things at a time it is overwhelming and impossible. Especially for women who feel judged so strongly on their looks even when it comes to getting jobs, getting promotions and other things that really shouldn't be based upon looks.

There are a lot of feminist books about how women have been subjected to ridiculous "beauty ideals" all throughout history at least in part because the men who ran things wanted to keep women preoccupied and also to busy chasing these impossible goals to actually worry about the state of the world or their lives thereby keeping men in power. It's a strong claim for sure,and I while I don't know exactly how true it is, it is hard to deny that women have had larger crosses to bear when it comes to being thought of as "beautiful" and maintaining their looks. From corsets so tight that women passed out from lack of air, to crazy big dresses that made it hard to move let alone sit down, to feet binding that made it hard to walk and all the way up to now where we still wear heels, have to maintain a low body weight, and have perfect wrinkle free skin; it seems that we can never take our mind off of efforts to be "beautiful" even if they are harmful efforts.

It's exhausting. I know that if I spent less time worrying about my looks, my weight and whether or not I fit in with how current society thinks I should be, I would probably have accomplished a lot more. How much time to we spend worrying about trivial things like this? How often do we let worries of our looks or weight stop us from doing things we want to do? In the past, I myself have not gone to parties because I felt "fat". I have not gone on dates because going out to eat was too many calories. I have not gone to the beach because I didn't want to be seen in my bathing suit. I have not auditioned for shows because I thought I was too fat. I stopped acting all together for a while because I felt I was too fat and too ugly to succeed. I also turned down dates with guys in high school because I felt that they couldn't possibly like me because I was not thin enough. In fact I have stopped asserting myself at times because I didn't want to draw attention to myself when I felt fat or ugly or just not "good enough". I have spent hours counting calories and working out when I should've been writing, researching, doing things to improve the world, or spending time with friends or family.

I have come a long way and most of the time I feel much more balanced about my weight and looks and how much time I spend on them. I don't let them stop me from doing things I love anymore, but sometimes I DO feel more nervous than I need to because those nagging thoughts are still there in the back of my mind as I pursue my goals.

It might be hard to decide which came first, the media and advertising or the low self esteem in so many women, but I think we can make a choice to decide who will be the one to stop it. It has to be US as individuals and as groups of concerned members of society at large. Society won't change until enough individuals within it change. The media won't change until their profits from their past methods of doing things start to fall. WE can do this. We can. Get to it! Start the body image revolution!

And in case you're wondering, here's some good sites to check out to start!

The Body Image Project SUCH a great site! LOVE IT!

Back In Skinny Jeans This site is technically "retired" and no new content will be on it, but if you've never checked it out before, it's a very good, pro loving yourself the way you are site.

The Kim Challenge Kim blogs about her food which is a good balance between healthy and fun and she also blogs about her thoughts on all kinds of things, including body image stuff. I'm hooked on it.

Time goes fast...

2010-01-15T01:10:00.000-08:00

Time goes fast when everything happens at once! At the end of last week Curtis got pinkeye. Pinkeye sucks and is one of my most feared ailments. Decontaminating everything took a lot of time. Then Frankie had surgery on Wednesday and while I was expecting him to have surgery soon, I didn't think it was gonna happen on Wednesday, but it did. Then my cousin and her friend got into town from out of state tonight and well, there's been a lot going on! Sooooo... it's been hectic. I apologize. I'll be back soon with something exciting! Perhaps I will even do a videoblog while out with my cousin and some friends tomorrow! If you're lucky. ;-) Hope you all have a great weekend!

I Heart Patricia Clarkson

2010-01-07T15:36:00.000-08:00

So, I was reading Ladie's Home Journal magazine today. I know, I know. But I am not married with kids. Why would I be reading that mag? Right? Well, it's one of two magazines that yes I think of as "Married Lady with kids magazines" that I somehow get monthly but, I still don't know how I ever got a subscription to them. Redbook is the other. I think it must have been part of some weird get a bunch of magazines for cheap deals where they just start sending you stuff. I probably could have cancelled the subscriptions, but for whatever reason, I just never got around to it. Besides, on occasion they are full of useful tidbits. Like today. Today as I thumbed through I found a little one page interview of the lovely and talented Patricia Clarkson. When asked who the love of her life is she said "Beaux, my 15-year-old pit bull mix. Everyone in my family is a dog fanatic. Somewhere in my lineage are paws and a tail." She is also from New Orleans where my family is all from. So, aside from being an absolutely brilliant and beautiful actress, she is also a very cool lady who loves dogs...especially her PIT BULL mix! Yay Patricia! You are lovely! As Curtis knows, when I read or see an interview with a celeb and they seem cool and like somebody I would like in real life I often say "I think (name of famous person here) and I would be GREAT friends if we ever met." and then we laugh. Well, I think Patricia Clarkson and I would be GREAT friends if we met. And we'd hang out with our dogs in New Orleans sipping Hurricanes or Daquiris and walking around "The Quarter". Because she's awesome I will say that you should all go see her in her new Martin Scorsese film "Shutter Island". It's a thriller. It also stars Leo DiCaprio.